Tag Archives | Winter Olympics

Winter Olympics: Naked Fire Luge, Bottomless Ski Jumping, Explo-Curling

By Mark A. Rayner on February 11, 2010 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

Naked Fire Luge

Though not as dangerous as skurlington, naked fire luge, is, in many ways, a much more exciting sport for the viewer. The luge run is ringed by fire on both sides, and there are massive pools of napalm behind each of the curves. The highly flammable gelatin is held safely behind the concrete shoulders, except for a thin celluloid membrane near the top of the berm. If an athlete takes the corner too high, the membrane rips, which in turn releases the napalm, which is ignited by the flre at the top of the run.

For added excitement and visual appeal, the entire race is run stark naked and at night. This should also give the doubles event an added frisson. (Though we hope it also encourages more mixed doubles teams. Not that there’s anything wrong with the traditional two-man luge thing — we’re looking at you Germany.)

Pictured: an unsuccessful fire luge run. Fire pic by rvr.

Bottomless Ski Jumping

This event is technically not for the athletes, but a chance for countries to improve their standings in the medals. A standard ski jump is fitted with one bottomless pit at the end of the run. (Winter Olympic committees, we’d recommend ACME Bottomless Pits for your supply.)

Participants can be voluntary, or those “selected” by a country’s Olympic committee; we would suggest that this event is best served by having unpopular politicians take part.

Medals are awarded on the basis of who does the LEAST screaming on the way down. Gold only awarded to total silence, and probably the only way we can get some politicos to shut up. Thanks to D. Bartholemew Lurie for this suggestion.

Explo-Curling

Though not as fast-paced as skurlington, Explo-Curling more than makes up for it in sheer tension.

A standard game of curling is played, except each team is given one rock — indistinguishable from the others — that is a powerful explosive device rigged to explode on violent contact. They do not know which rock, and neither does the other team.

Skips are fitted with explosive belts set to blow at the same time as any rock on the ice sheet, giving them a stake in the game, and really making them think about those takeout shots. Thanks to Mike Rayner for this suggestion.

Previous: Polar Biathlon

As always, more refinements and suggestions are welcome in the comments!

Because it continues to list The Skwib below the fold, Alltop has been volunteered for this year’s Bottomless Ski Jump competition.

Winter Olympics: Polar Biathlon

By Mark A. Rayner on February 10, 2010 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

You’d think that a combination sport that included brutal cross-country skiing and the use of firearms would be really exciting. And you’d be wrong.

But we have the solution. It does, however, require the addition of polar bears.

Polar biathlon -- x-country skiing with polar bears!

In a regular biathlon, the athletes ski a certain distance, and then have to fire their rifle from either prone or standing positions. They carry small bore rifles, and fire at five separate targets. We’ve changed the skiing component to one flat-out race against a polar bear, at the end of which the athlete must turn, un-shoulder their rifle, and fire at the polar bear. Obviously, this wouldn’t be very sporting if the athletes only got a small bore rifle — a .22 slug is probably going to feel like a mosquito bite to a polar bear — so we’re suggesting a much heavier caliber, but in the spirit of fair play, they will only get one shot.

Now, it will take a well-trained athlete to get even one shot off. The race is 300 meters for the human, and 400 for the bear. However, polar bears can run up to 11 meters per second, and the top speed of even the best cross-country skier is 9 meters per second, and that’s without carrying a rifle capable of bringing down a polar bear with one shot. The best athletes will have at most several seconds to un-sling their rifle, aim and shoot.

The worst athletes will give new meaning to “the agony of defeat.”

But we can hear you thinking, “isn’t this cruel to the polar bears?” Well, they’re all going to drown in a few years anyway, right, and this way they get a fighting chance.

Next: Naked Fire Luge, Bottomless Ski Jumping, Explo-Curling
Previous: Ultimate Couples Ice Dance

Alltop suggested the bears get chainsaws too, but it seemed a little over the top. Photo by http://www.flickr.com/photos/soldiersmediacenter/. CC BY 2.0

Winter Olympics: Ultimate Couples Ice Dance

By Mark A. Rayner on February 9, 2010 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

Ultimate couples ice dance In our continuing efforts to suggest more exciting and exploitative Winter Olympic Sports, we want to tackle ice dance next.

Sure, there can be moments of pure artistic bliss in the current Ice Dance competition, but it has been marred with controversy in the past. At the Salt Lake games, the French judge was bribed (either with sex, or money, or both, we don’t remember), and what is that Russian judge up to? No good, that’s for sure.

Besides the method of judging (it is one of the few sports that has an artistic component), Ice Dance doesn’t really meet the requirements of higher, or faster, of our new motto, and it definitely isn’t bloodier. So how could we spice up this choreographed ice-skating ballet of duos?

Let’s change the format to elimination, and have the couples face off in the rink. Two couples enter, one couple leaves! Two couples enter, one couple leaves! It’s the sub-zero Thunderdome!

Now, we know that some of you would like to see this played out with weapons, but we’re purists, and believe the only weapons allowed should be their hands, elbows, heads, knees and feet. And of course the feet are attached to razor-sharp ice-skates, so we will definitely be able to fulfill the sanguius component of our new motto.

The only problem is getting a zamboni powerful enough to clean up the ice between bouts.

Next: Polar Biathlon
Previous: Short-Track Chainsaw Speed Skating, Four-man Bobsled Jumping, Ultra-G

Alltop would only give this a 5.9. Original photo by Hanna.

Really Exploitative Winter Olympic Sports

By Mark A. Rayner on February 8, 2010 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

The Winter Olympics are about to begin in Vancouver this week, and to honor this occasion, we thought to would revisit some suggestions The Skwib has had for more exciting events in the spirit of the Games. (The spirit of the Games being the exploitation of hard-working athletes and their dreams.)

Yes, the Olympic motto, citius altius fortius — faster, higher, stronger — is still one that inspires and arouses the best in us. Still, some Winter Olympic sports are, well, let’s face it, not as telegenic as we might like. Perhaps if the motto was changed to citius, altius, sanguius — faster, higher, bloodier — we might enjoy them more. And in so doing, truly honor the spirit of the games: the production of filthy lucre at the cost of our ideals.

Short-track chainsaw speed skating
Now, we actually think short-track speed skating is pretty good. Lots of action. Possibility of death. But what if the athletes had to zip around the track holding live chainsaws? Just think of the ad revenue! [pictured above, photo by johnthescone]

Four-man bobsled jumping

Four-man bobsled jumping Any wimp can land a 120-metre jump on skis. Now, landing a bobsled filled with three other horrified Olympic athletes, that takes real skill. In fact, we bet that very few athletes could manage it. For added thrills, the bobsled jumpers could hold up their arms as they’re airborn, just like a roller-coaster! And just thing of the cross-promotional activities with amusement parks. Blue sky by suchnone

Ultra-G

Ultra-G Much more dangerous than Super-G, Ultra-G combines the mind-bending speed of a flat-out downhill run with a circle of ice that looks like a gigantic Hot Wheels loop at the end of the slope. The winner of this event will probably be a qualified fighter-jet pilot or astronaut. Losers will be immortalized by a generation of traumatized television viewers.

Next up: Ultimate Couples Ice Dance, Polar Biathlon, Naked Fire Luge

Your turn: Feel free to add refinements in the comments, or other sports involving not just the effort and sweat of our athletes, but actual blood.

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