SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
The Skwib Update:
SELFISH, adj. Being assertive.
More updates are available. Non-assertive types at humor-blogs.com and alltop.
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It has been a hundred years since Ambrose Bierce first published his satirical classic, so we thought for the summer season, we would update a few terms to reflect the current state of our language.
TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time.
The Skwib Update:
TRUTH, n. A commodity that can be used as a political weapon. Often traded for money.
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TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
Skwib Update:
TELEPHONE, n. A portable device invented so that you can inflict your banal conversations on everyone around you, not only the person at the other end of the line.
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S
SELF-ESTEEM, n. An erroneous appraisement.
The Skwib Update:
SELF-ESTEEM, n. An educational industry. Does not lead to higher grades.
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R
READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it
consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in “dialect” and
humor in slang.
We know by one’s reading
His learning and breeding;
By what draws his laughter
We know his Hereafter.
Read nothing, laugh never –
The Sphinx was less clever!
–Jupiter Muke
The Skwib Update:
READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our time it consists, as a rule, of spreadsheets, packaging, and in the gifted, weblogs.
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Q
QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.
The Skwib Update:
QUEEN, n. A gentleman of the theatre, or interior design.
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Q
QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
The words erroneously repeated.
Intent on making his quotation truer,
He sought the page infallible of Brewer,
Then made a solemn vow that we would be
Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me!
–Stumpo Gaker
The Skwib Update:
QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating the words of another in an attempt to appear more intelligent/funny/creative than one actually is. Also, see above.
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P
POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
The Skwib Update:
POLITICS, n. A bloodsport declining in popularity, because it’s just gotten too dirty.
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P
PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish read to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
The Skwib Update
PATRIOTISM, n. See The Devil’s Dictionary. Also, the second, third and fourth choice, and especially pervasive around election time.
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O
OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.
The Skwib Update:
OVERWORK, n. Something your supervisor expects of you as a matter of course, but that he never does himself.
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O
OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words.
A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter
an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a
good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good
enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer’s attitude toward
“obsolete” words is as true a measure of his literary ability as
anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete
and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and
sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the
vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a
competent reader.
The Skwib Update:
OBSOLETE, adj. Something your electronic equipment becomes the moment you purchase it.
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N
NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one’s competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob’s-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and descending.
The Skwib Update:
NOTORIETY, n. See Celebrity.
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M
MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
The Skwib Update:
MARRIAGE, n. A condition of misery that depending on your political affiliation, homosexuals should: have, never have, have but not be allowed to actually call marriage.
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L
LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination’s most precious possessions.
The rising People, hot and out of breath,
Roared around the palace: “Liberty or death!”
“If death will do,” the King said, “let me reign;
You’ll have, I’m sure, no reason to complain.”
—Martha Braymance
The Skwib Update:
LIBERTY, n. Something taken with another’s works. See Plagiarism, Sampling.