Michael Flannigan:
A Life of Invention
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Chapter 10

Flannigan and the Great Game (1840-1841)

Impetigo Trundle, ex-Headmaster and Interim Plenipotentiary of the Bagshot Corrective School for Boys with Evil Tendencies and Unnatural Desires, suffered from gout and really stinky feet.

It was a long sea voyage to India, and the Wallop Jones was a real scow that made Flannigan's seasickness worse than ever. But between bouts of projectile vomiting, Flannigan worked on a new invention. Having visited the Subcontinent once before, to disastrous results (See the Infamous Seal Penis Incident), Flannigan was determined not to make the same mistake twice. The Irish inventor knew that his bowels tended to become unhinged by Indian cuisine; he also knew he could not trust his stomach, particularly if he was forced by social circumstances to ingest dubious foodstuffs, such as whale dork. Flannigan was in search of a prophylactic, culinary condom if you will, to prevent such circumstances every happening again. The Calcutta Chunder Inhibitor was born.

The device was a simple flask that contained a powerful topical narcotic mixed with a chalk-like liquid that thoroughly numbed and coated the user's alimentary canals. A tube ran from the top of the flask and was attached to a small nipple that prevented overflow. The flask could be worn under one's clothes, and the tube run up a sleeve. When it looked like "Something" Vindaloo, or Curried "Anything" Surprise, was about to be served, the responsible gentlemen need only suck on the teat hidden in his cuff, and be protected from intestinal distress and social embarrassment, without offending his host.

Flannigan's Calcutta Chunder Inhibitor

Impetigo Trundle helped Flannigan perfect the chunder-inhibiting formula by acting as his principle test subject. (1) Thus occupied, the months-long journey went quickly and they soon arrived in Calcutta. Excited by the new invention's commercial possibilities, both men decided to set up a production facility as soon as they could. Unfortunately, Flannigan had spent most of his ready cash, purchasing supplies to experiment with on the way there, and to produce the three prototypes they had. But what could they do to raise the cash they needed?

The duo decided to revised their old Chartist act (wisely avoiding anything to do with tubas), and performed what became known locally as the Black Hole Cabaret. They learned that rupees would flow if they made fun of prominent gentlemen, with the occasional (non-tuba) musical interlude. They soon had the local population rolling in the gutters at their bawdy impersonations of Victoria's new husband, Prince Albert, the Iron Duke, and even literary figures such as Charles Dickens. Their show was wildly successful, too much so, as it brought them to the attention of the Governor General's political secretary, William Hay Macnaghten.

The ambitious Macnaughten was a rabid Russophobe, and was convinced that the Russians were "up to something" in the Khalinate of Phukee (located just to the east of West Phukee, and to the west of Bokhara, where things had gone so badly for the British. (2) But so far, he'd been unable to place an agent there. He was convinced that the two performers could gain entrance to the Khalinate and find out what the Ruskies were about. He promised to fully fund production of the Chunder Inhibitor, and to get the Governor General to purchase the first shipment for the diplomatic corps, if they would go to Phukee. (He also promised that if he didn’t do it, he would have them arrested as the Chartist agitators they were, and sent the real Black Hole, where their cabaret wouldn't help them at all.) Naturally, they decided to take the show on tour. To assist them in their mission, Macnaughten sent along an old India hand, Desmond "Curry" Riffles.

Flannigan and Riffles had met before, much to Flannigan's (intestinal) distress. In fact, Flannigan was convinced that Riffles's emaciated gnome-boy, Nehal, had caused his lifelong troubles with a "vegetarian dish that you're really going to love" . However, once forced to work together, they rediscovered in one another their common zest for life, love and "ruddy great bottles of rhino piss."

The people of Phukee were unacquainted with anything to do with Britian, so the trio decided to create some new material more appropriate to the audience. Riffles knew that the Khalinate were strict adherents of an obscure Zoroastrian sect of foot fetishists, the Shiny Golden Pedes (pronounced pee-dees) and scorned the Muslim faith that was so common in the central Asian region. Thus, they came up with a new satirical act, "Abdul and Akbar" that they hoped would play well in Phukee. (Riffles was worked into the act as a piece of furniture.)

After a long and perilous journey over the Hindu Kush they arrived in Phukee. They were easily captured by the Khalin's "Scabbie Guard" (3) and brought before the him. The prince was deciding whether they should be ritually disembowelled (after their feet were cut off) or if it might be better to burn them alive (after their feet were cut off) when Trundle started weeping uncontrollably. (4) Luckily for them, the Khalin found Trundle's girlish sobbing quite funny, and they were allowed to perform. Abdul and Akbar were a tremendous success, and the two were asked to attend a gala feast to be held at the Shiny Golden Pedes traditional "Foot of Light" festival later that month. Flannigan hoped that they would not only find out if there were any Russians plotting intrigue, but also that they would be able to establish diplomatic relations with the Phukees.

A slimmed-down Impetigo Trundle performs "slappy the sheik" for what would be the last time.

When the evening of the festival arrived, their Chunder Inhibitors were with them, and they were prepared for anything. That is, they were prepared for anything except the Most Holy Toe-Sucking Ritual that began the "Foot of Light" festival. Since time immemorial, they were told through a translator, the sign of friendship and brotherhood among Shiny Godlen Pedes was to suck on the toes of their neighbours before breaking bread. Upon hearing this news, the duo immediately started sucking on the teats hidden in their cuffs; both knew well enough to swish the numbing liquid in their mouths. They sat on either side of the Khalin, Flannigan to the his left, and Trundle in the seat of honour, to the Khalin's right. (Trundle had earned this honour because the prince found his "slappy the sheik" bit hilarious.) Flannigan would have to suck the prince's toes, and the Khalin would suck on Trundle's fungus-infested piggies.

If Flannigan had been a better puppeteer, or if Trundle had even a tiny margin of foot hygiene, then no doubt history would have been much different. As it was, when the shoes came off, and the Khalin saw the disgusting brownish toes he was expected to tongue-lash, the stage was set for a diplomatic disaster. The prince did manage to kiss Trundle's feet – it would have meant seven years of bad luck if he had not – but he could not keep down his lunch of sheep's intestine and "garlicky" cuscus.

Flannigan's GI system was completely numbed by nearly a litre of cocaine-derivative, but the sight of ropy, half-digested sheep guts had a powerful psychological effect that could not be denied: once again, the Irish inventor found himself projectile vomiting on a central-Asian potentate.

Desmond "Curry" Riffles, who was disguised as the silk pillow Flannigan was sitting on, sprang into action. He threw a Persian carpet over the dry-heaving inventor, hiding him completely. But there was little he could do for Trundle. The Khalin signalled and pointed at Trundle while he retched, and the Scabbie Guard swiftly de-cranialized the ex-headmaster.

Phukee never became an ally of the British, though in their short time there, Riffles had determined that there were no Russians in the region. Disguised as a series of flower arrangements, Riffles and Flannigan made their escape, returning to India via a circuitous route through Afghanistan.

--"Scholarship" by the Squire

Next: The Road to Heidelberg

Notes:

1) Previous to this journey, Trundle was quite a stout man who suffered from gout and appalling foot odour. After several months of ingesting a variety of cocaine-based drugs, chalk, and a large quantity of castor oil, he was down to less than 10 stone, and his gout had subsided somewhat. In exchange for his yeoman service Flannigan offered to share the patent with his old friend and a promised to find a solution to his friend's foot odour when time allowed (Trundle having already rejected the ridiculous suggestion that he simply wash them.) [back]

2) It is hard to imagine things going much worse. The first Brit sent there, Colonel Charles Stoddart so offended the khanate of Bukhara, Emir Nasrullah, that he found himself thrown in the "bug pit", a 30-foot deep hole in the ground infested with all manner of vermin, snakes, scorpions, rats, and human bones. When Captain Arthur Connelly was sent to rescue Stoddart, he did even worse. First he was thrown in the bug pit, and then he and Stoddart were thereafter de-cranialized (beheaded). [back]

3) The Scabbie Guard were chosen for their fierceness in battle, and poor sexual hygiene. [back]

4) It is worth noting that Flannigan was badly shaken by this turn of events; in his journal he records that he was more upset that Riffles took this moment to completely disappear on them, using his ability to disguise himself as furniture to full effect, and becoming the ottoman upon which the Khalin rested his gold-swathed feet. [back]