Michael Flannigan - a life of invention

Flannigan never really learned to appreciate sea travel. However, he did find it slightly more enjoyable than the passengers of the Medusa, seen here, discovering what the Captain euphamistically called "the Fiesta Deck."

The dark days of war were behind Michael, and indeed, the world.(1) Europe and the Americas experienced a period of unprecedented peace and prosperity. Scotland and southwestern England were becoming rapidly industrialized. In the Americas, President Monroe declared his Doctrine, and states such as Mexico and Brazil became independent. The English Romantic poets composed languidly in their pyjamas, while their German counterparts offed themselves at an efficient Teutonic rate. The sciences continued to advance, while artists such as Géricault and Constable painted masterpieces that would last the ages, reminding us that it's possible to turn current events into high art and that farm equipment is only slightly more exciting to look at than paintings of farm equipment. To this epoch of harmony and stifled yawns, Flannigan launched his Irish wiles, his inventive mind, and his flare for spotting an untapped market.

It is no wonder that his enterprising mind was fixated on matters genital. Flannigan had recently emerged from a four-year "aphrodisiac bender", after which he found himself spent of lustful opportunities and short of cash. In trying to eradicate the memory of the passionate but ultimately unfaithful Lydia Klamm, Flannigan had run through a virtual who's who of the Boston and New York sybarite set: Silvia Phlys, Gonnorah O'Brien, and Mona Trichosis, to name just a few. During this period Flannigan's absorption with invention had wilted somewhat, but his interest in biochemisty once again reared its head. (Not to mention a few problems with the old waterworks.) (2)

Swearing off women "really, for good this time," he decided he should get serious about his career. He introduced himself to James P. Allaire, an engineer and inventor who had taken over Robert Fulton's ironworks in New York. Flannigan's experience working with Trevithick's "puffer whims" proved helpful in Allaire's newest project -- creating the boiler for a new transatlantic steamer for the Speedwell Steam Company. While the pay was good, and the work was engaging, Flannigan's real interest lay in a biochemical remedy for that age-old problem of impotence.

Though he had never suffered from this particular ailment during his four-year sexual safari, some of his paramours had let him know that their "clients" sometimes found it a problem. (3) It was then that Flannigan remembered a seminal conversation he'd had with Desmond "Curry" Riffles in Gibraltar. The "old India hand" had confided to him that he had once been unable to pursue his onanistic avocation. But Riffles had discovered a handy cure in a Chinese remedy known as "Stiffy Juice".(4) An infusion of red wine and powdered seal penis seemed to have a miraculous effect on Riffle's "bold codling," as he called it.(5) This would be the product that Flannigan would bring to market!

In New York seals were a little thin on the ground, but Flannigan soon discovered that Captain August VanDerBoink (of the Connecticut VanDerBoinks) made frequent trips to Newfoundland, where a plentiful supply of seal penises could be had for a song. (And a dance. And sometimes a night out with Skreech Magee and a few of his perverted cousins from the Bay.) Flannigan poured most of his income into acquiring a half-ton of seal penises, and the packaging that he would require to sell it. Flannigan decided to call his new product Flannigan's "Astonishing Pinnepedia Elixir." Though it was not technically an invention, he patented it anyway. He also used his contacts in Washington to get a testimonial from President Monroe:

Sales were brisk, but Flannigan's intuition told him that there would be far greater need for FAPE in England, where the gentlemen were renowned for their limpness. Flannigan convinced his employer, James P. Allaire, that he should accompany the new boiler on its maiden journey, in case there were difficulties with the design.

So Flannigan accompanied the S.S. Savannah on its maiden journey across the Atlantic. All he took with him was a small valise, ten crates of powdered seal penises in their FAPE packaging, labeled "sealant, and a scientific treatise on intra-building levitation.(6) It was the first time a steam-powered ship crossed the ocean, and Flannigan was thankful the trip only took 27 days (though not as thankful as the seamen that had to clean the paddle-wheel every time Flannigan christened it with a half-digested sauerkraut breakfast.)

He arrived in Liverpool on June 20^th, 1819, returned to the land that had treated him with such ignominy. He was not there for revenge. No, it was much worse. Little did the people of Great Britain know what was to befall them in the well-meaning inventions of Michael Flannigan.

Lady Penelope Fartwhistle was an unorthdox teacher who sometimes used extreme methods to make her point. Later, she became a fashion designer.

In London, Flannigan soon found a number of apothecaries willing to stock his elixir. Within a fortnight, the town was abuzz with news of the product, and Flannigan discovered that invention could be quite a lucrative field. During the summer and autumn, Flannigan sold his supply of FAPE and invested the receipts in a well-appointed house near Spidgy-on-the-Thames. Just as he was beginning to worry about how he was going to renew his stock, he was informed that the Prince Regent (7) had called him for an audience.Flannigan's Royal audience was to coincide with the celebration of New Year's Eve. As part of the celebration, the noble gentlemen present were going to take an infusion of Flannigan's elixir with champaign, so that they could be that much more "jolly" for their ladies that evening.

Flannigan, a self-educated Irish Catholic peasant, was naturally intimidated, but he did his best to rise to the occasion. He hired Lady Penelope Fartwhistle (pronounced FARTH-istle) to school him in protocol and manners, and the famous tailor Jeremy Plugg to produce some suitable clothes.

The evening started off well. Flannigan, along with several other scientists of some repute (including the young Michael Farraday), were introduced to the Prince Regent. Flannigan managed the interview without a flaw. The audience over, the relieved Irishman retreated to the back of the hall, and watched the ruling elite of Britain. It occurred to him that the world was changing. Fifteen years before, the best he could hope to achieve was to survive the Royal Navy. Now, he was an inventor for presidents and kings. Perhaps there was hope for the common man to achieve great things in this new age.

Fartwhistle had told him that once his audience with the Prince Regent was over, he probably wouldn't be called upon to speak with another noble for the rest of the evening. He and Farraday proceeded to enjoy the hospitality of the Royal table, and got roaring drunk.

Life can turn on such incidental things. Had Fartwhistle known the reason why Flannigan had the Royal audience, she might have instructed him differently. If Flannigan had been a more abstemious man, history would have never recorded this evening as anything other than a festive occasion. If Farraday hadn't insisted on those schnapps shots . . . well, there is no use trying to guess all the variables.

Somewhat before the turning of the New Year, champaign was produced, along with a crate of Flannigan's Astonishing Pinnepedia Elixir. The ladies giggled while the servants mixed the infusion. The Prince Regent ironically toasted his wife, Princess Caroline, and yet another laugh was had at her expense, while the gentlemen drank.(8)

"A most interesting flavour. Tell me, Mr. Flannigan," asked the Prince, "what is in this elixir of yours."

While the Prince took another sip, Flannigan stood up unsteadily, trying to remember his lessons from Lady Fartwhistle. But instead of the gentlemanly drawl he hoped to affect, Flannigan only managed a strangled bellow: "one hundred percent seal penis, sire!"

Princess Caroline now found herself covered with a mouthful of atomized champaign and seal penis. She burst into tears and ran from the room. A number of ladies of quality fainted. While some gentlemen were unsure as to what to do, others lost all volition, vomiting quite indiscretely. The ladies who had not succumbed to the initial shock did one of three things:

It was the laughter that enraged the Prince Regent. He stood and shouted for the Household Guards. Flannigan, not wanting to see what the guards were apt to do, ran from the room, catching up to Princess Caroline. It was his speed that saved him, for the guards did not see him behind her ample crinolines.

A warrant for his arrest was issued, and his house in Spidgy was confiscated; but Flannigan managed to escape England. He fled once again to Paris, where he spent the next two years installing streetlights for the noted gassy scientist, Monsieur Le Floof. He would not return to England until after George IV's death, in 1830.

(2) To his good friend the Headmaster and Interim Plenipotentiary of the Bagshot Corrective School for Boys with Evil Tendencies and Unnatural Desires, Impetigo Trundle, Flannigan confessed in a letter: "This clapped out genitalia is not so bad for me. It's the complete and utter failure, every time I try to pee." [back]

(3) Gonnorah O'Brien's customers, in particular, often found themselves "starchless" when she took out her false teeth.[back]

(5) Modern science has yet to prove any kind of efficacy, and the trade in seal penises is (rightly) condemned by environmentalists and animal rights groups alike.[back]

(7) Who later succeeded the throne in 1820, as George IV. The Prince of Wales had been Regent since his father, King George III, went completely bonkers in 1811.[back]