Letters of Annoyance

Letter of Annoyance

Aug. 5, 2005

Jet Propulsion Laboratory
California Institute of Technology
Pasadena, California, USA

To Whom It May Concern:

We wish to express our growing annoyance with the current state of your exploration program for the planet Mars. Space exploration has always been a keen area of interest for our circle. For more than a year now, we have been attentively watching the unfolding story of the Mars rovers. It is with heavy hearts, therefore, that we break the following news to you. Mars is boring. In fact it is the most freakin’ boring place we’ve ever seen.

Rocks and dirt! Cripes! We’ve seen more interesting landscape on the arctic tundra or in Death Valley. At least the tundra has the odd caribou and muskeg. Even in Death Valley you might come across the odd mummified remains of a hippie, who wandered too far from his Volkswagen van, while binging on peyote in 1968.

What do the rovers actually do up there? Well, they rove around. They climb to the top of hills and crater rims to beam back new vistas of – wait for it – more rocks and dirt! Occasionally, they use multi-million dollar equipment to drill holes in rocks. What have they found? More rock. Each rock, which looks pretty much like the last rock, is given its own special name. We learn that Opportunity is going to examine two rocks called “Grizzly Bear” and “Toad Stool” when all we can see is “rock” and “slightly smaller rock.” Non-descript rock naming appears to be the major effort of the collected scientific brain power of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

We stress, again, that we are ardent supporters of space exploration. We want to help. We therefore humbly offer the following suggestion to rescue this noble project.

1. Blow Shit Up. The next time we send rovers to Mars we should arm them. Yeah, we know, peaceful exploration and all that, but we also all know that military research is done under the cover of the space program. So let’s arm the rovers and test the weapons on Mars. If the landscape looks like an abandoned lot in Las Vegas, the least we can do is take a few pot shots at the larger rocks.
2. Martian Battle Bots. Whoever had the idea of landing the two rovers on the opposite sides of Mars should have his pocket protected ass mocked by a beautiful woman in perpetuity. In future, please land the robots closer together. Have them find each other. Then, have them attempt to kill each other. Divide the JPL people up into teams, one for each bot. The winners get to go outside, or to a bar or something. You will be amazed at how fast money will be found to send more bots to the red planet. Can flame throwers work on Mars? Let’s find out!
3. Better Names for Rocks. You’ve got to come up with better names than “grizzly bear” or “Nevada”. How about “The one that looks like what I passed the day after I ate an entire beef tenderloin” or “The one that looks craggier than my Aunt Martha’s fun bags.” You guys have PhDs. Come on. Use your heads.
4. One Word – Porn. The only thing more boring than pictures of rocks is when the rovers take pictures of themselves, usually to demonstrate how clean or dirty the mechanism has become in the Martian weather. Why not put centerfold-type images right on the rovers. Both sexes of course. We can see the news release now: “Dust devil cleans clitoris.” “Day 365: Penis still visible.” We guarantee a major surge of traffic to the JPL Web site.
5. Suspect Weapons of Mass Destruction. Note that you don’t have to actually find any weapons of mass destruction. Photo analysis is an inexact science. Just put the word out that you strongly suspect that some of the rocks and shallow crates may be harbouring WMDs. No expense will be spared. Humans will be on Mars before the year is out. Then, we’ll really get to blow some shit up!

We hope that these suggestions are taken with in the same seriousness in which they are given.

Sincerely,

John Sloan
on behalf of

The Emily Chesley Reading Circle

P.S. With further regard to blowing shit up: During the course of the drafting of this letter we received news of your successful “Let’s blow the ass off a comet” project. We can only say, in furtherance of point one above, Way to freakin’ go! Keep up the good work. Now, on to Mars.