Published in The Globe & Mail,
1999
Dear Sir or Madam,
We wish to register our extreme annoyance with self-important
anal-retentive ticks who feel it is their duty to write letters about
how the "real" end of the millennium will occur on January
31, 2000.
We concede that the 100 years of the 20th
century will not precisely have passed until midnight, January 31, 2000.
We cannot however fathom why this particular numerical fact is of any
consequence or significance. Perhaps these people feel it important
to justify why they have made their big millennial New Year’s party
reservations one year late.
January 31, 1999, on the other hand, is a date of consequence
and significance. Only the most narrow Christian literalist would argue
that the date has any relationship with the birth of Jesus Christ. Nay,
the significance of this date is at once profound and quite simple.
On any given New Year's Eve we witness the change of
one digit on our calendars. This gives us pause to reflect on all the
dates that ended with that digit. At the end of a decade, when two digits
change, we tend to reflect on the previous ten years. At the end of
January 31, 1999 four digits will click over giving us pause to reflect
not only on the past year, past decade, and the past century but also
-- if we are so inclined -- on the past 2000 years of Western history.
Call it a psychological milestone. Call it the "odometer
effect". Call it whatever you want. As far as we are concerned
January 31, 1999 is the big day.
In the interest of saving time and space in your esteemed
publication we suggest the following form letter. Those who feel compelled
to raise the issue of the so-called "real" end of the millennium
need only assent to having their names added to the letter. The letter
follows:
Dear Sir,
I can count. I arrived at this ability by first calculating
the sum of the digits at the ends of my brachial appendages (including,
of course, my opposable thumbs). From this beginning I have developed
the ability to count the number of days in a year and the number of
years in a century.
Realizing my ability to count has made me flush with
feelings of superiority. It is because of this superiority that I
feel I have the right – nay, the duty -- to interrupt any cultural,
psychological, religious, political, or technological discussion of
the year 2000 to prove to everybody that, yes, I can count. Thank
you.
So there,
(The name of a guy who can count)
We hope that this valuable instrument allows more space
in your publication to be devoted to truly interesting reflections on
the coming of the year 2000. We hope you accept this advice with the
same level of seriousness in which it is given.
Sincerely
John Sloan
For the Emily Chesley
Reading Circle
