Letters of Annoyance

Letter of Approval

April 8, 2005

H.E. Aloysius Matthew Card. AMBROZIC
Cardinal Priest of Saints Marcellinus and Peter
c/o Vatican Press Office
Piazza del S. Uffizio 11
00193 Rome, VATICAN CITY (av@pccs.va)
cc. Globe and Mail, National Post

Dear Cardinal Ambrozic,

We are writing to ask you to nominate John Sloan as the next Pope.

While it is traditional to find a candidate from within the ranks of the conclave, it is not a requirement. According to canon law a layman can become Pope. John was, of course, baptized in the Catholic Church, so he qualifies.

The formalities aside, let us suggest that John Sloan -- aka, Thuder, to those who know and admire him -- would make a fabulous Pope for several reasons:

1. He has a beard. It has been more than 300 years since the last bearded Pope -- Innocent XII -- and it's time to rectify this historical injustice.
2. Thuder the First ROCKS as a Pope name. Nobody is going to mess with the Vatican when a guy called Thuder at the helm.
3. Sartorial impact. This guy is going to look great in a cassock and sandals. Warning: fitting the Papal noodle may stretch the Vatican budget.
4. Papal addresses will be pithy, pointed and in English. (Except for when they are grunted.) For example, when he is displeased he will say: "I mourn." When pleased: "This pleases me." When looking for something to eat at 2 am: "unghar!"
5. If Thuder is elected Pope, all of the non-Catholic members of the Circle and their families will, of course, convert. Given the procreative proclivities of the group, this will have a significant impact on the number of Catholics in North America.

We hope these suggestions are taken with the seriousness in which they are given, and we thank you for your time.

Yours sincerely,

Mark A. Rayner
On behalf of The Emily Chesley Reading Circle