Letters of Annoyance

Letter of Approval
in response to Maxwell Silverhammer

Dear Sir,
I wish to express my enthusiastic and unabashed approval for the phenomena known as continental drift. This is a development which has been underway for some time and it’s high time somebody expressed a little gratitude.

The world would be a boring place without plate tectonics. Before you go poo pooing continental drift as slow and uninspiring, just think of all the islands that have been vaporized by exploding mountains, the cities that have fallen to catastrophic earthquakes and coastlines that have been ravaged by tsunamis. Talk about fun!

The problem with continental drift is not the phenomena but the name. “Drift” sounds too aimless, too neutral. I propose that Geography and Geology texts be re-written to reflect a new name: continental progress.

Every year we progress away from old Europe with its quaint outdated ideas, like parliamentary democracy and collective responsibility, and toward the glorious East where getting rich is glorious and dissenting opinion is dealt with most efficiently. Continental progress will demonstrate the greatest and most successful American-Asian-African merger since Tiger Woods.

As North America sails westward across the pacific, all kinds of exciting developments lay just around the corner. Before you dismiss the dance of the continents, consider the following benefits of continental drift:

• Every minute of every day we manage to get further and further away from the French.
• Australia can finally get over “hemisphere envy” as it will soon sit north of the equator. Think of the revenues they will enjoy when the Trans-Australia Railway connects Seattle with Beijing.
• As we draw closer to Asia it will be even easier for high quality Korean automobiles to flood the North American market. Kia and Hyundai for everyone. Woo hoo!
• Soon, Vancouver will find itself on the other side of the International Dateline. Sure, the 21 hour time difference between Toronto and Vancouver will cause scheduling problems for the CBC but, in the celebration of the 17th Mega-millennium, look out! Vancouver gets to party first!
• Two words: Antarctic beaches!

I truly hope that this letter is received with the same amount of seriousness in which it is written.

Sincerely,

John Sloan,
Founding Member

P.S. We realize that the continental drift is a contentious issue which has a tendency to inflame passions and contrary opinions. As the great continental drift, pro or con, debate sweeps through parlours, kitchens, board rooms, school yards, checkout lines and classrooms throughout the nation, the Emily Chesley Reading Circle has been no exception. Within our own group there is conflicting opinions on this crucial issue of the day. We believe however that diversity of opinion makes us stronger, that our ability to consider a range of ideas without vilification and petty one-upmanship is a hallmark of mature discourse. Together we are more than we are apart!

P.P.S. If anybody from the Emily Chesley Reading Circle has written to your publication opposed to continental drift, you should know he has done this because he is a fool and a shill for the forces of evil. He is just, like, sooo wrong that you had better just ignore his silly ranting.

P.P.P.S. Under no circumstances will Niagara Falls ever be a viable community.