To the producers of
Survivor:

We wish to express our considerable annoyance with regard to the television "entertainment" known as Survivor. We have reviewed the episodes of this show and every participant in the Survivor exercise appears to have not only survived but to have been treated quite well.

True, the "tribal meetings" where individuals were "voted off the island" were suitably grave and dramatic. However, seeing the off-voted individuals interviewed on talk shows weeks later detracted somewhat from that drama. For "non-survivors" they appeared surprisingly healthy and happy. 

What good is a "Survivor" show where everybody survives? Imagine if those losing contestants, who walked off into the night from Tribal Council, had in fact walked into some horrible tropical end. An encounter could have been arranged with a scorpion, deadly snake, or perhaps a swinging wall of bamboo pongee sticks. There would certainly have been a degree of audience revulsion at seeing the contestants coming to their demise this way (except, perhaps, in the case of the crusty old guy) but at least the show would be true to its title!

We note with growing apprehension that CBS has premiered a second installment of Survivor, this one to be set in the Australian state of Queensland. In the interest of improving the quality of the second survivor, we humbly offer the following suggested fates for non-survivors:

Herbivore Delight. Dress the ill-fated contestant as a Eucalyptus tree and toss them into a hut with 40 koalas that have not been fed for a month.
 
Carnivore Delight. Inflict several hundred minor paper cuts on the outvoted one and force them to swim the great white shark-infested waters off of the Great Barrier Reef. 

Aussie Road Kill. Force the non-survivor to wander the Queensland highways in a kangaroo outfit until they are inevitably flattened by a westbound truck train. 

Kiss of the Spider Woman. Slip an Australian Red Back into their shorts, stand back and watch the fun.

We believe that, if implemented, these additions will greatly enhance Survivor. Who knows? Perhaps it will become a popular program. We sincerely hope that these suggestions are taken with the seriousness in which they are given.

Sincerely,

John Sloan

On behalf of
The Emily Chesley Reading Circle