The following is a verbatim excerpt from the "Musical Chars" column in MelodyMaker. This occasional column records the historical role of the musical in promoting revolutionary and progressive thinking among Britain's Working Class. The article appears in the May 2002 edition.

Rumours of Chesley Spreading in Coventry

London - New and exciting evidence has been uncovered about the musical influence of Emily Chesley, a vaguely-known Canadian author and speculatrix of the 19^th Century.

In the recovered fragment of the musical "Emily!" Michael Flannigan (the Narrator) was a thinly veiled proxy for Uncle Joe himself.

Musical scholars have long known that during the 1940's and 1950's, Holleran's famous theatre in Coventry was presided over by the brilliant and choleric manager named Wormwood Scrubs. Scrubs was always ready to produce the work of new artists, and as this reputation spread, he found himself inundated with unsolicited scripts from all over England. The good ones, he produced. But most he rejected, tossing them on the coal fire in his palatial office.

Alas, this fact also soon spread, and wily playwrights from across the Realm began submitting their scripts on asbestos paper, causing Scrubs' coal fire to choke, smoke and die when he attempted to consign another terrible play to the deserving flames. He therefore began tossing the scripts out of the window instead. Most found their way into the street below, to be run over by passing cars or used to wrap fish.

But unknown to scholars of the Scrub oeuvre, some scripts - whether due to wind conditions, their own aerodynamic characteristics, or the playful hands of fate - floated down through a two-inch crack between Holleran's theatre and Tommy's⁽¹⁾ Massage Parlour next door. These scripts were lost until 1998, when Holleran's Theatre was demolished to make way for Europe's first gender-neutral theme park. Workmen uncovered a treasure trove of scripts, many in advance forms of decay, sandwiched between the buildings.

Scholars were called in, including the team that reassembled the Dead Sea Scrolls, and some of the work was salvaged. A Chesleyan scholar working on the team was amazed and delighted when she discovered, stuck between the script for a pornographic mime show and a child's play called "Knife Daddy While He Sleeps", a previously unknown score of a musical about the life of Emily Chesley.

"Emily!" was a musical comedy in four parts, involving ten scenes, fourteen songs, six dance routines, 27 nude male dancers, 4 costume changes and three visits from the local constabulary.

The author of the musical is as yet unknown, but scholars have been able to conclude that the author probably knew Emily personally, was an atrocious speller, and a raving Stalinist sympathizer. Indeed, there is some evidence that Emily was to be used as a symbol of the Proletarian woman, while Michael Flannigan (the Narrator) was a thinly veiled proxy for Uncle Joe himself.

With a grant from The Historical Trust of London Ontario (where Emily lived for some time), a team of experts is working painstakingly to reassemble the rapidly crumbling fragments of asbestos.⁽²⁾ The massive jigsaw puzzle is coming together slowly, but the team has recently finished restoration of one scene from the Second Act.

"We are proud of our accomplishment in the restoration," said one unnamed expert, "but let's be clear: This was printed on asbestos for a reason."

Contacted soon after the publication of Scene Seven, the much feared and respected Chesleyan Reading Circle was tight-lipped. "We are awaiting the full text." said a Circle spokesperson who refused to be identified. "Its no Lambeth Leviathan, that's for sure. We know a guy who knows a lawyer, and we will not hesitate to try and phone him if the image of Chesley or Flannigan are exploited by the scholars executing the Coventry restoration.

In a "Musical Chars" exclusive, the full text of the restored scene is presented here.

--"Scholarship" by Just Quisling

Notes

1. Famous throughout Coventry, Tommy's became a landmark with its enormous neon woman and the flashing slogan "See me. Feel me." [back]

2. Word has it that the somewhat socially-challenged scholars have still not tired of saying "I'm working asbestos I can!" Fortunately, their consequent lack of a social life ensures the script will be restored that much sooner. [back]