Scene Seven:
I'm Too Chesley for Victoria

[Le Havre. The scene is a dock, with a gangplank extending up into a small boat at Stage Right. Barely dressed and muscular Norwegian porters carry cargo up the gangplank. Narrator Flannigan stands down stage right. He is wearing a helmet.]

Flannigan: (Narrates) The decadence and facial hair of Paris grew too much for my darling Emily, and she longed to return to the politics of sexual freedom and Colonialism. Though she dared not admit it, she had also tired of her decidedly non-Nordic artist friends

Picasso: Emily! Stay with me. They will lock you up if you go to England! Come back to my garret. I'll give you three square meals and a whole new perspective.

[Emily appears stage right, accompanied by Matisse and Picasso, a bald woman pursues them crying pathetically.]

Chesley: Oh, Pablo! There's the boat. It's time for me to leave.

Picasso: Emily! Stay with me. They will lock you up if you go to England! Come back to my garret. I'll give you three square meals and a whole new perspective.

Matisse: No! Emily! No! Forget his perspectives. Life can be so beautiful if you would only squint and look at things cross-eyed.

[Chesley puts one hand on the (face) cheek of each artist and smiles in a motherly but arch manner.]

Chesley: Boys, boys⁽¹⁾. Do not fight over me. I love you both, for my heart is already devoted to another - The Cause of freedom! Thirty miles across that channel (gestures Stage Right) lies the seat of British Imperialism and the Victorian values which have stifled the surging passions of women the world over! It falls to me to liberate the gasping and unsatisfied, the corseted masses, yearning to be free!

Matisse: She's a hell of a woman, Pablo.

Picasso: You said a mouthful there, Henri! What a dame!

[Chesley struts to center stage as the music rises]

She's too sexy to impeach, too sexy for this beach Those stiff Brits will just screech!

Chesley:

I'm too sexy for these times, too sexy for these times
When sex is a crime!
Though I'm a bit too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan.
I'm way too sexy for the Empire, too sexy for your Empire
I refuse to fight my fire.

I'm an outlaw, you know what I mean
And I'll face up to my crimes across the channel.
Yeah, across the channel, across the channel, baby
I'll face up to my crimes across the channel.

Matisse: (Speaking) Don't go Emily!

Picasso: (Speaking) They'll lock 'er up for sure!

Chesley:

I'm too sexy for old Albert, too sexy for Victoria
Too fond of my euphoria.
And I'm too sexy for Britannia, too sexy for Britannia

Just can't resist a man, yeah.

I'm a real woman, you know what I mean
And I'll do my little turn in English prison
Yeah, in English Prison, Baby, with those big burly guards
I'll submit to English Justice while in prison

[Chesley lambadas with Matisse and Picasso]

Porters:

She's too Chesley for the Matrons, Too Chesley for the Peerage
The Upper Crust says she's a bust!
She's too Chesley for the Cricketers, She's such a sticky wicketer
She knocks them six with lust

[Matisse lambadas with Picasso]

Chesley:

I will fight them where they live, I've got a lot to give
I'll knock them for six!
Those stuffed-shirts in Whitehall, they'd better heed my calls
I'll kick them in.

[The Ships Whistle blows. Lines are cast off.]

Chesley: Oh My! Time to go boys!!

[Chesley blows kisses to all and runs up the gangplank and leaps across to the ship. Her dress tears, showing an ample expanse of leg, which she does not try to hide. She takes an immediate interest in a blond porter standing nearby.]

[Flannigan lambadas with himself.]

All:

She's too sexy in that frock, too sexy for a dock
Those stiff Brits will be shocked!
She's too Chesley for her times, so Chesley its a crime
Too Chesley by Far!

Much.
Too.
Chesley.
By .
FAR!!!

[All wave. Gangplank is withdrawn. Whistle blows again. Curtain.]

Back to the Musical Chars article.

--"Scholarship" by Just Quisling

Notes:

1. This line has been excised in pencil and replaced with "Comrades, comrades." [back]