Tag Archives | invasion

Ask General Kang: Will you vote in the Canadian federal election today?

Ask General KangI find this democratic process of yours quaint and charming, so yes, I’ll be voting. It’s hard to believe I’ve been on this magnificent blue ball (which you are ruining by the way) long enough to receive citizenship, but I have.

Funnily enough, I started out in politics.

My own home planet, Neecknaw, once had a system of government similar to the “representative” democracies of your Earth nations. So before I became an overlord, I was elected Prime Primate.

Now, winning an election is not an easy thing to do (unless you’re Jean Chretien), but I managed through a combination of inspiring oratory, good organization, and the secretions of the Pfluugen Slug from Planet Muguulgar. (This colorless and odorless liquid is quite powerful, and renders imbibers of it very suggestible. Okay, it makes them your willing slaves, but only if you know how much to use and what to say afterward.)

Oh, I can see what you are thinking: how could he possible give that every voter? I didn’t have to. I only had to slip a little bit in to reporters’ drinks at the Press Club. Now clearly, this subterfuge would never work here in Canada, in this post-journalism era. I suspect that even if I drugged the pollsters and forced them to reveal I was far ahead, that would not work.

If find your Canadian electorates’ ability to do its own thing quite disturbing. (Not as disturbing as Stephen Harper finds it, I’m sure, but still.)

But don’t worry, eventually I’ll get a new armada and a few brigades of uber-chimps armed with slide whistles and plasma rifles, and then I’ll sort it all out!

Next time: I’m building a Moon of Destruction, and I’m working out some of the details. How small do the exhaust ports have to be to prevent teenagers from blowing it up with a single plasma bolt?

Alltop is outraged that Mark just stole that joke from Robot Chicken.

Ask General Kang: How should I cast my vote at the next election?

Ask General KangAh you puny humans and your democracy delusion … It is so amusing.

I can only tell you how I plan to cast my “vote” at the next election, which is to evaluate the parties and their leaders and decide which would be best for me when my armada finally arrives.

My first choice would be Stephen Harper and the “Conservative” party; I have run a personality profile on him, and it reveals a deep streak of self-loathing that I can use when my invasion force arrives. In addition to a pathological hatred of anyone who does not do what he says, at the same time, he worships those entities who are more powerful than him — the US, the G20, his imaginary god. This bifurcated personality will be easily swayed when my attack ships appear in Earth orbit. I imagine one look at a troop of gorilloids wearing fezes and armed with broadswords will convince him of Neeknabian superiority, and he will put Canada’s people and resources at my disposal.

The second-best choice would be Jack Layton and the “New Democratic” party — should they win, they will be unprepared to rule the country, and will leave it weak and confused and easily beaten by a phalanx of Über-Chimps decked out in gold spandex and helmets that look like the business end of a whale phallus. (Their plasma weapons will also be impressive and devastating.)

What about the other parties?

I would prefer not to have the Liberals in power, as they tend to do whatever circumstances demand, no matter what they said they were going to do during the election, and the Greens worry me, but only because I suspect Elizabeth May could be a formidable war-time leader.

Next time: How often should you floss, and does that have any impact on the space-time continuum?