Darth Jeremy, Dark Lord of the Think Tank

Dr. Darth Jeremy waited impatiently in the studio, listening to his opposite — a bleeding-heart scare monger from some Liberal peace organization — ramble on about the evils of nuclear proliferation in South Asia.

“… and this is all in the context of the US and Russia with enough weapons to bring on a nuclear winter and end life on the planet,” she concluded.

The host thanked her, and it was Darth Jeremy’s turn to earn his pay.

“Dr. Darth Jeremy is a senior fellow with the Wing Institute, a think tank based in Washington DC. Welcome to The Raisin, Dr. Jeremy, what did you think of Dr. Cartune’s evaluation of the situation?”

“Well, she started off with some good facts about the proliferation of weapons in Asia, but then she just got all hysterical. There is no way that a full-on nuclear exchange between Russia and the US would end all life on the planet. That is just scare mongering. And hysterical,” he said. There that destroyed the peacenik’s arguments. She was a hysterical woman.

The host looked cross, but did not contradict him.

“The problem is that we have been thinking about nuclear weapons as a bad thing,” he went on. “In fact, our policy should be to encourage nations to develop their own nuclear weapons programs.”

“But isn’t there a big difference between India, which is a democracy and a state like Iran, which is a theocracy, led by a man who has stated he would wipe Israel off the map?”

“No, not really,” Darth Jeremy answered with glee. The host had led him straight to his main point. “The irony is that by not letting these smaller, less secure nations develop their own fluffy devices–”

“Sorry, did you just call nuclear weapons ‘fluffy devices’?”

“Yes, I find the word “bomb” kind of pejorative. We need to be less frightened of these instruments of peace,” Darth Jeremy said.

“Instruments of peace?”

“Yes. Fluffy devices have kept the peace between Russia and the US for more than 60 years. Can you imagine the terrible wars we might have had if not for our cuddly plutonium friends?” he asked. “Everyone should have access to this wonderful technology. The best way to peace is to build as many puppy-loving projectiles — in every peace-loving nation — and to put them in space as soon as possible.”

“So what do you call it when you launch an attack?”

“Pushing the love button,” Darth Jeremy smirked, sensing the interview was about to come to an end anyway.

This is another from the archives. Check out the real Raisin, The Current. Photo by Josa Jr. Alltop and humor-blogs.com are puppy-loving laugh projectiles.