Ask General Kang: How should I cast my vote at the next election?

Ah you puny humans and your democracy delusion … It is so amusing.

I can only tell you how I plan to cast my “vote” at the next election, which is to evaluate the parties and their leaders and decide which would be best for me when my armada finally arrives.

My first choice would be Stephen Harper and the “Conservative” party; I have run a personality profile on him, and it reveals a deep streak of self-loathing that I can use when my invasion force arrives. In addition to a pathological hatred of anyone who does not do what he says, at the same time, he worships those entities who are more powerful than him — the US, the G20, his imaginary god. This bifurcated personality will be easily swayed when my attack ships appear in Earth orbit. I imagine one look at a troop of gorilloids wearing fezes and armed with broadswords will convince him of Neeknabian superiority, and he will put Canada’s people and resources at my disposal.

The second-best choice would be Jack Layton and the “New Democratic” party — should they win, they will be unprepared to rule the country, and will leave it weak and confused and easily beaten by a phalanx of Über-Chimps decked out in gold spandex and helmets that look like the business end of a whale phallus. (Their plasma weapons will also be impressive and devastating.)

What about the other parties?

I would prefer not to have the Liberals in power, as they tend to do whatever circumstances demand, no matter what they said they were going to do during the election, and the Greens worry me, but only because I suspect Elizabeth May could be a formidable war-time leader.

Next time: How often should you floss, and does that have any impact on the space-time continuum?