What do I do? Shouldn’t you be asking what will you do?

What I do is charge up the power cells in my Interstellar Ape-arda, fill the ships with hordes of uber-chimps hungry for adventure and loot, and set course for the nearest planet that hasn’t used up all its resources.

From there, it’s a simple matter of subduing the local sapient population (if there is one), and then setting up shop. Literally. The second major phase of any decent conquest is building the consumer infrastructure you need to plunder a planet. You’d be amazed how many societies are content to live within their means. Sustainable development is no good if you’re in the pillaging business!

Once you have them selling things bought or processed, or buying things sold or processed, or processing things sold or bought, then you’ve got an economy you can sack.

But that’s what I’d do (if I still had a fleet of space ships capable of faster-than-light travel and crammed full of bonobos with a jones for gold-plated walking sticks).

You can barely reach your own planet’s orbit, so you’re going to have to come up with a more creative solution.

Next time: What’s the etiquette when an alien bursts out of your dining companion’s chest? Do you wait for them to excuse themselves, or do you say “God Bless”?

More inexcusable horrors are available at humor-blogs.com and alltop.