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Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner

The Best Levitation Belt

By on October 3, 2011 in Parody & Satire, singularity

from the 2037 Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven catalog

The Best Levitation BeltThis levitation belt earned The Best rating from the Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven Institute because it was the easiest to put on and operate while falling from a building.

48 out of 49 of our tests were successful, and only one of our Testing Drones was killed during the extensive investigation into this levitation belt. A levitation belt industry expert described The Bests model’s inertial dampening as “great and most dampening by far” because it was able to dampen terminal velocity to gravely injuring velocity with enough alacrity to save 48 Testing Drones from “street pizzafication”.

The Best Levitation Belt is also capable of actual levitation, if the inertial dampening dial is turned to “full” and the wearer jumps up in the air. The Best model can allow wearers to levitate for several minutes, or prevent certain death from a single fall from up to a 20-story building. It is highly recommended that the batteries are recharged after such use. Sizes: XS-XL. (Not recommended for larger sizes.)

You will float with laughter if you sign up for The MonkeySphere, a monthly rising of absurd humor. When it reaches 500 subscribers, I’m giving away a Kindle. ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop is terrified of street pizzafication.

Career Day for Jim

By on September 19, 2011 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

the lure of the seaSchool was lame. Adults were lame. Life, itself, was a series of lame events. None more so than Career Day.

These were the thoughts of Jim as he walked into the gymnasium for the Beaverbrook High career day. At least he didn’t have to sit through the tedium and ennui of Mr. Leekie’s calculus class, or the thinly-veiled severe depression of Ms. Bentz, his English Composition teacher.

All that dark poetry….

Jim shrugged the painfully lame recitations of Ms. Bentz’s poetry aside, and checked out this year’s Cavalcade of Losers. These were the employers, the good corporate “citizens” of his home town with suggestions on how its young adults could plan for an exciting life serving hamburgers.

At least he wasn’t in class.

He had to admit, the selection was good this year, if pointless. There were some lawyers, some engineers from the city, and a large crowd of kids was milling around the booth hosted by a company in town that made web games. As if, Jim thought.

He sighed. This was his last year in high school and he still didn’t know what he wanted to do. His marks were good enough for university, but he knew his family couldn’t afford it — and the thought of taking all that debt was just too much. His family was on the verge of losing their house. He wasn’t supposed to know that, but he did. It was hyper-lame.

Then he heard a voice behind him, “arrr Jim, have ye’ considered a life at sea?”

Alltop be fond of Talk Like a Pirate Day. Have a good one, ye’ bilge rats. Moody picture of the sea by jjjohn.

Dog Threat Level Meter

By on September 15, 2011 in But is it art?, Odd Science

Dog vocalizations interpreted.

Condition Tail Wag

cute puppy
Don’t be fooled by the cuteness of this puppy — it might mean trouble. I’ll growl at it just to let it know that I’m watching.

Condition Woof

husky
Holy crap! A husky! My arch-nemesis, and about as close to a wolf as a dog gets. If it comes closer, I’m really going to bark like I mean it!

Code Burglar

doorbell
Someone’s at the door, and I will now proceed to bark with enough intensity to convince the pants-wetting UPS guy that I WILL tear his throat out.

Sky Monsters!

sky monster, aka, hot air balloon
Jesus wept, it’s a frickin’ sky monster. It’s huge, it’s round, and it reeks of the stench of hell. (And the sound…) I’ll bark at it like I can kill it, but I’m pretty sure it could take me. I’ll try not to let my uncertainty creep into my enraged and terrified vocalizations. Was that a yip? Yes, sorry. Sometimes my fear of these things get in the way of me doing my job!

The Night of Evil (Again)

fireworks
It seems like at least twice a year Satan lights up the sky with his evil. I will yelp a bit to let you know we should get inside, but there’s not much I can do against the powers of darkness.

Thundering Whimpers!

lightning
Even my canine super-bark is powerless, when the Gods themselves are trying to kill us all. Perhaps shaking and whimpering will help appease them.

Alltop is terrified by Alpo. Lightning by Damon Taylor. Balloon by Ecatoncheires. Fireworks by Amani Hassan. Doorbell Darwin Bell. Husky by Paul Moody. Puppy by VickyTH.