Okay, first of all the Carnival of Vanities is up at Generic Confusion. I’ll update the others later.
The Skwib also had something to submit to the Tangled Bank, hosted this week at Creek Running North.
Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner
A traffic accident for the ages
Perhaps I am not trying hard enough, but there is no way to enhance or satirize the story of this lunatic, who had a traffic accident, fled the scene and ran home. There he donned medieval armor, grabbed his longsword and a wooden mallet, and proclaimed to the police trying to arrest him: “I have a thousand years of power!”
Perhaps if while fleeing the scene of the accident he carried a chicken under his arm, that might make it funnier . . . no, an iguana. And instead of a long sword he had one of those He-Man, Defender of Greyskull Swords.
Failed EU putsch of dirndl industry
BAVARIA — The European Union has failed in its effort to take over the Bavarian Dirndl Works.
The attempted military coup of the largest dirndl-producing plant in Munich was foiled by the matrons in charge of the production line; their numbers were bolstered by a phalanx of lusty Bavarian barmaids, desperate to protect their traditional form of dress.
“Yah, ve not let EU Bureaucrats und deir girly-men soldiers take over plant,” said Heidi Schtuppen, spokesperson for the barmaids.
The dirndl is the traditional costume of a Bavarian barmaid, consisting of a dress and apron with a tight, low-cut top. The figure-hugging effect is enhanced by a short white blouse.
Recently, the EU passed legislation banning these plunging necklines to protect workers from “harmful” radiation.
“Theey say they vant to protect us from der sun, but ve think it’s about de . . . how you say . . . ogling of our assets,” Schtuppen told The Skwib as she leaned over to put more beer on our table.
“This is European law-making at its most pedantic,” said Munich’s mayor, Christian Ude, between pilsners. “A waitress is no longer allowed to wander round a beer garden with a plunging neckline. I would not want to enter a beer garden under these conditions.”
The team of EU soldiers, a crack unit of the French Reddition Corps, is being held in Munich at Der Vundergarden Beerhall & Prison, where they are being fed a steady stream of weißwürste, knödel, and sauerkraut. Their commander, Captain Jacque Courir, who escaped capture by running away early in the raid, has already launched an investigation into the treatment of his troops.
“It iz most un’umane,” said Captain Courir, “‘ze are not uzed to such ‘eavy food.”
Inspired by:
The Tan Ban Controversy | German Cuisine
Carniblog Monday
Some more Monday carnival action, starting with Best of Me, hosted at The Owners Manual, where you’ll find The sarcastic cyborg debriefs, along with some other interesting posts, of these I most enjoyed Idler Yet’s rant about the misuse of the word “epicenter”.
The Skwib has also particpated in the Carnival of the Capitalists, hosted at View From a Height, with the posting about Taco Bell’s bully-enraging ads. On the topic of marketing, Drakeview’s notes on the echo generation are well taken. And of course, The Conservative Cat’s, funny stuff from the weekend. (Same post.) Also, see Mickey’s Musings for the Carnival of Dogs, which mentions the Lost Power Point Slides (Dog Edition).
And on Tuesday morning, there is the Carnival of Liberty, on of my faves. In addition to my collaboration with Phil Hartman, the caveman lawyer post, you’ll find this explanation of the First Amendment from Fearless Philosophy.
Ask General Kang: I’m freaking out! I’ve just learned the earth will be destroyed by the sun. Is it true?
You can relax. I don’t know where you got your information, but our best scientists don’t currently think the earth will be destroyed by the sun.
In about 4-5 billion years, our sun will enter the red giant phase of its life; as it does so, its outer layers will expand to where the earth is now. However, we think that the earth will move out somewhat as the sun does, so it won’t be engulfed.
It will render earth uninhabitable by humans though.
Holy Crap General Kang! I don’t want to die like that!
Again, you can relax. You’re just a miserable human, so your lifespan is — at best — 100 years or so, well short of the time when this will all be a problem.
I, on the other hand, am a highly evolved primate with vast armies of robot-monkey scientists at my command. With any luck, I’ll still be alive to watch the show, and have someplace to go afterwards.
Next week: Is it wrong to put an alien creature in people’s ears so you can control their every action?
The Lost Power Point Slides: Bonehead Ideas Edition #1
Thor Heyerdahl presents Kon-Tiki expedition (slide 1)
- Hey fellow Norwegian super-men, let’s put on a show!
- Let’s prove you can sail a raft from South America to Polynesia.
- Call it Kon-Tiki, you know, the Inca sun god.
Thor Heyerdahl presents Kon-Tiki expedition (slide 2)
- Are you Norwegian? Then you can come.
- We have room for one Swede, so Bengt, you can come too.
- Bengt will be our steward, organizing food and translator, the girliest occupations.
Thor Heyerdahl presents Kon-Tiki expedition (slide 3)
My theory:
- That ancient pre-Columbian natives first settled Polynesia
- They were the “long-eared” people
- Yes, wiped out by “short-eared” people, who immigrated from Asia
- Lucky for the “short-eared” people the “no-eared” people lived in Africa and had never heard of Pacific.
Thor Heyerdahl presents Kon-Tiki expedition (slide 6)
Rules:
- Only materials and technologies available to ancient Polynesians in South America
- If we run out of food it will be Bengt’s fault.
- Therefore, we eat him first.
Inspired by:
Kon-Tiki Expedition, landing in Polynesia on August 7th, 1947.