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Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner

The Sound of Music Revisited (kinda rude post)

By on August 2, 2005 in But is it art?, General Skwib

sound of music plus outhouseImagine the Sound of Music had been set in Australia, on the slopes of the Snowy Mountains in New South Wales, instead of Austria’s Alps.

Looking over the barren moonscape of Mount Kosciuszko, Australia’s highest mountain, Julie Andrews holds her nose, and tries to sing:

The hills are alive, with the waft of urine.
With a stench that has stunk for a hundred years.
The hills fill my nose, with the waft of urine,
My heart wants to weep, every time I smell!

Yes, a pee joke, but I read the quote in the story below, and just couldn’t help myself.

“It’s been pretty obvious on the main walks from Thredbo and Charlotte Pass that people need to go,” national parks area manager Andrew Harrigan said.

“They were ducking behind the rocks in various places and on a still day on the rocks on top of Mount Kosciuszko itself you might get the waft of urine.”

Bonus humour: imagine Julie Andrews singing the above with an Aussie accent.

Inspired by:

Mount Kosciuszko to get loo

History and a tool (not a rude post)

By on August 2, 2005 in General Skwib

Another carnival to report on: you can find the Carnival of History at Willisms.com, where I submitted the 4th of July Lost Power Point Slides (I know, it seems like a long time ago now, but it is the best-researched one of the series. There is a nice collection of links to posts about Jared Diamond’s Guns, Germs and Steel, which is a book I have a huge amount of respect for. There’s also an interesting post on the ancient phallus uncovered last week [The Skwib’s take on it here] in Switzerland, from Alun.

May I also recommend a new tool too? Talk Digger is a great way to see who’s linking to you in one go. You’ll find it here. An invaluable tool for those of us in the “obsessive checking of stats” phase of our weblogs.

Ask General Kang: Is it technically cannibalism if all you eat is a pinkie?

By on August 2, 2005 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangFirst of all, check the finger carefully. If it’s not a pinkie from the same species, then you’re probably okay.

I was once really freaked out by Colonel (now Major) Bonzo and his wife had me over for a “special” dinner — rhesus monkey soup. Now, I’m sure Chanel (Mrs. Bonzo) is a great cook, but she was not at her best that night. Rhesus monkey for Christsakes!

But not, I should point out, the same species as me. (Handsome chimp.) Still, it was a little too close for comfort, and I’ve been sticking to bologna and termites ever since.

If you’re unfortunate enough to be served a pinkie from your own species, and you inadvertently eat it, then you’re probably safe too — nobody’s going to call you a cannibal.

The other caveat I would hasten to add, that if the pinkie isn’t from the same species, but that species is able to communicate with you (such as we are doing now, General Kang-to-confused gourmand) then you’re back in the cannibal soup.

So to speak.

Next week: What is the proper etiquette for global domination?

Joint NHL-NASA mission to Mars

By on August 1, 2005 in General Skwib, Odd Science

Martian hockey playerIn a bid to rebrand the game, the National Hockey League is partnering with NASA to build the first robot hockey players and send them to Mars.

“Of course, it’s expensive, but think of the merchandising,” says NHL spokesperson, Robert Shill. “We also need to be thinking about the future of the game, and now that the lockout is over, it is time to open up this new market.”

The joint mission was hastily planned after a lake of water ice was discovered in the Vastitas Borealis, a broad plain that covers much of Mars’ far northern latitudes.

Mars is currently uninhabited — or inhabitable for that matter — but this has not deterred the NHL from going ahead with their plans.

Officials at NASA are happy to have the extra revenue stream the NHL will provide, but do not know if there will be much scientific merit to the mission.

“We have adapted some inexpensive Japanese robots, replacing most of their sensors with skates and graphite hockey sticks,” says Jennifer Groove, Director of NASA’s Dubious Programs Council, speaking at the joint media conference.

“Eventually, we hope to add laser cutters and other forms of offensive weaponry,” Shill added.

“The puck will be replaced with a small explosive charge that will go off if it exceeds a velocity determined at random at the start of the game. Until the first robot blows up, nobody will know what that will be!” Shill shouted. “We want the Mars NHL game to be as exciting as possible.”

The mission is planned for next year, and Shill says the Mars NHL season will coincide with the usual summer break of the regular NHL season.

“Yes,” Groove said, nodding her head. “THAT makes sense.”

Inspired by:
Ice lake found on red planet