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Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner

Bringing Good Things to Life

By on December 9, 2010 in Toulouse Le Grandfig

bringing good things to lifeNeil was a tiny and polite human employed by the General Entropy division of NaziWorks 3000 (The Caring Company), where he was an accomplished lamp.

For the most part, he was just happy not to be eaten by the large CEOs that roamed most of his planet, but his current supervisor had found him a choice placement.

Tina was the daughter of a mid-to-large Hyper-Clone outfitted with the devastating Clone 12000, and COO of a Regional Infection division within NaziWorks. Her father’s frequent explosive diarrhea kept her hopping, cleaning up the house, but when he powered down for the evening, she would read under her favourite lamp.

Neil especially liked that she always undid the first three buttons of her blouse first.

Alltop likes lamp. Originally published in 2007.

From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future.

You clay stassy, San Diego!

By on December 8, 2010 in Monkeys!

Love this clip, in which a newswoman demonstrates how to call a turkey. Safe for work, but really, it shouldn’t be:

YouTube Preview Image
Also found on YouTube if the embeddy thing doesn’t work.

And if THAT wasn’t classy enough, here’s another hilarious (but rude) cartoon from Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal:


cartoon

Alltop approves of all forms of lurkey tove.

Classics of Literature — Ender’s Game

By on December 6, 2010 in But is it art?, Reviews & Rants

Ender's GameThis is a fun and page-turning read about eugenics, institutionalized child abuse, and genocide.

Humanity is at war with a distance race of aliens (called “Buggers”) and for some reason, the adults are unable to discover the best way to fight this implacable ant-like enemy. (Apparently, Boric Acid doesn’t work.)

What it really requires is the sense of wonder and innocence that only a child can have, and so, the people in charge of Earth’s governments start a breeding program to turn out kids designed to be excellent space warriors.

The children are all tagged so the authorities can monitor all their thoughts and movements, while they are being evaluated for service in the International Fleet. (A device that is similar to an iPhone, but a little smaller, and you can’t download your own apps to it.) After he is un-tagged, a young Ender Wiggin is attacked by bullies, and he kills one of them, so that the bullies will no longer bother him. The IF realizes it has made a horrible mistake. This is just the kind of ruthless logic they need in their war.

The rest of the novel follows Ender’s rise through the ranks at Battle School and Command School, a marginally creepy shower scene, and eventually, the set up for an excellent sequel, The Speaker for the Dead.

It is worth noting that an anagram of Ender Wiggin is “Ending Grew I.”

Irony alert!

By on December 2, 2010 in But is it art?, Skwibby fiction

Utopia - urban decay in Detroit

I saw this photo this morning, and a passage from my post-apocalyptic comedy, The Amadeus Net, came to mind. This is the character of Les Parsons, who is a retired Canadian diplomat, speaking:

If not for the Shudder, Canada would have disintegrated, like the United States did. And there is the supreme irony. A physical threat like the Shudder was capable of bringing our country together, while in the States, it was the final straw. The cracks in the American social system were the Achilles heel; all it took was the arrow, that chunk of rock hurtling out of space, to kill the body politic of that great nation. I know all this intimately, because that’s where I was stationed following the disaster. In the U.S. Actually, the Principality of New York. And then in Detroit, which is technically part of Canada now, thought most Canadians would never admit to it.

Photo by Jason Tester, via BoingBoing. More about The Amadeus Net at the publisher’s site. (You can also buy it there, hint, hint.)

Alltop has 10,000 spoons and no sense of irony.

The New Clone 12000 Helmet Finally Comes to Market

By on December 1, 2010 in Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Clone HelmetThis fully functional metro-wanker-clone helmet will render your enemies helpless with laughter, right before you incinerate their lower intestines. Two Gigilo-Hertz-powered ocular particle beams makes the Clone 12000 more devastating than last month’s supernova in the Coagula System and only half as radioactive!

Decranialization is still a necessary feature of the Clone 12000, but Hyper-Clones will be happy to know that nearly half of the test group survived helmet implantation.

Other documented side effects include: Dry mouth (but not for long), urinary retention, blurred vision (while particle beams are operating), constipation, weight gain, crushing headaches, nausea, frequent explosive diarrhea, abdominal pain, inability to achieve an erection, inability to achieve an orgasm (male and female hyper-clones), loss of libido, agitation, anxiety, self-loathing, and some cyborgism.

Alltop also cause side effects. Originally published in 2007.

From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future.

Giganto-Schism

By on November 30, 2010 in Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Our Lady of the Massive Legs and ...The Giganto-Schism occurred sometime just after the establishment of the Trans-Vatican and the first RoboPope, Clagnor The Irrefutably Lethal. (This was dawning of the Genetic Fruit-Topping Wars). While the people of St. Tropezia were still somewhat bemused by the dire calamities promised by the Trans-Catholic Church, they found themselves drawn irresistibly to the gigantic women of their saucy little planet, and formed the Giganto Creed.

In particular, they loved Our Lady of the Massive Legs and Leopard Skin Camisole (especially when she was bathing). The Giganto-Schism further widened when the Victoria Secret Galaxy joined the Corporate Imperium, and they unleashed their first catalog of “Euretro-Genita Coverings for the Monumental Goddess” collection upon the unsuspecting Trans-Vatican.

The Robo-Pope never recovered, especially when he discovered that several of his Death Cardinals of Extreme Planetary Retribution kept copies of the catalog under their mattresses.

Alltop also has big dreams. Originally published in 2007.

From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future | photo by Odegaard