Having been guilty of this, I agree we need to rethink these buttons. That’s why I changed all my buttons to just the logo, and the description of them to “Social Thingys”. My theory is that if people are genuinely interested, all they really need is the link.
What are your thoughts on this burning, itchy question?
Well, on my home planet of Neecknaw, this is a simple affair. The new leader chooses himself.
Or herself. But we haven’t had a female leader since the Gloomy Ages (the interstitial period between the Dark Ages and the Time of Light) when the orangutan giantess Slothia sat on the preceding and diminutive warlord, Marmostak the Mighty. (Marmostak the Mighty Small the followers of Slothia called him.)
But you’re probably asking because of the upcoming so-called “elections” you are holding in the “democracies” of the large landmass you call “North America”. I think the political theatre you have invented is quite fine, actually, though it lacks a certain martial elan that we on the Planet Neecknaw like to see in our leadership hopefuls.
So in that spirit, I would like to suggest that in lieu of your “elections”, you should have some kind of television show in which the leaders of your political “parties” eliminate one another in gruesome (and entertaining) ways. Because you humans value guile and low cunning as much as the simian population of Neecknaw, I’d recommend something that compensates for brute strength alone — I’m open to suggestions in the comments. (Otherwise, I’m pretty sure Elizabeth May will have an unfair advantage over the other sissified leaders of Canadian political parties, and this should also make the next US election more interesting to watch too, though they are already pretty bloody.)
Many believe the human species is the only one which uses tools. This is not true. There are many other species that have been identified as using tools, including: otters, chimps, bonobos, elephants, octopuses and ravens.
Humans are the first species to invent tools because we’re lazy. Initially, tool use was important for our survival. As noted in the cartoon to the right “… by Gary Larson, more complex inventions began to be developed. I must note that this cartoon is technically inaccurate. Spectacles had not been invented at that time, and would not be until just before the Renaissance, around the late 14th century CE.” [adam blatner]
Eventually, we got around to creating really great inventions of convenience, such as bows and arrows, soup and of course, the Internet. This marvelous invention helps maximize our convenience, but sometimes even that is not enough.
Damnit Jim, I’m an Interstellar Warlord not a Doctor, so I don’t “treat” visiting dignitaries at all. Unless you mean treat in the sense of, “you’ll love these chilled hominid brains, it’s a real treat.”
It depends quite a bit on my diplomatic goals. If I want something from them, then I don’t put them in the burrowing gastro-intestinal worm wing of our Foreign Secretary’s guest quarters (unless they like that kind of thing). And if I’m in some kind of negotiation, then it will depend a little on our relative power positions. For example:
They have an armada of interstellar warships, plasma guns charged and surrounding the planet, then I install them in a nice hotel: room service, free mini bar, and all the massages they can handle from Buk-buk, the Talented Orangutan.
If they don’t have an armada, then I usually just enslave the diplomatic party and send them to the Chalkboard Mines on Screechy XII (known on my home planet as the “alien’s tooth-gnashing graveyard.)
You did know I was an Interstellar Overlord, right? Generally speaking, we don’t go for the whole “negotiation” thing. Unless there is chilled hominid brains involved, then maybe…
That is a big decision, but if your finances are as messy as a Prufeenian Fecal Monkey lobbing huge —
You can do that?
But if you do that, then the spammers will have won.
I don’t know, this smacks of defeatism. I think a better solution is to create some kind of bio-weapon that targets people who send you unwanted or unnecessary emails.
Yes, I know that on Mephitis VI, there is a kind of multi-appendaged gut worm that can emit a high-pitched whining sound, which is a combination of noise similar to a mosquito’s buzz and about 100 overtired children stuffed into a mini-van. At the same time, each appendage is capable of delivering a neurotoxin that causes bits of your face to fall off and necrotize rapidly into a bubbly goo that smells worse than the Stench-Beast of Vomitus XII. Now, if would could somehow cage these beasts and attach them to people’s email programs …
Okay, but you’re admitting defeat.
Unfortunately, humanity has lost much since The Golden Age of Beards — a time when the free-flowing exchange of thought, lead propelled at high speed, and yes, competition in beard technology was not only encouraged, but demanded. The philosopher and extemporaneous human, Sean Cullen, says, “give me a beard I can believe!” He was talking about opera, but the yearning … the yearning.
Don’t we all want to see more beards that we can believe? To help us in this quest, we present a clutch of beards.
1. The Maestro— a truly astonishing beard, usually worn by eccentric and brilliant artists. Warning — if you are not an eccentric and brilliant artist, this beard could cause narcolepsy or be a harbinger of incipient tooth-gnashing madness.
2. The Classic — If you have time to time to comb, oil and curl your beard, The Classic may well be the facial hair for you. This beard will turn some heads, particularly at Greco-Roman affairs. Warning — can get you unwanted attention at Greco-Roman affairs!
3. The Waveform — If you have time to time to part your beard every morning, with or without the use of beard-drugs, the waveform may be the beard for you! Warning — tends to cause quantum irregularities and uncontrollable laughter in undergraduate seminars.
4. The Electroco — an impressive beard grown to inordinate long length, The Electroco is not for the amateur beard grower. Warning — tends to catch stray food particles, get caught in zippers and cause potential sex partners to say “eeewwww.”
5. The Lincoln — Let’s be honest on this one; barely anyone can make this geometric nightmare look good, particularly in a pair of chinos and a golf shirt. Warning — may cause an uncontrollable urge to wear a stovepipe hat.
6. The Scrappy — The scrappy is rough and ready chin foliage, low on upkeep, and easy to grow — even for those of you who may be challenged in the production of testosterone. (We’re not judging.) Warning — can make you look like a hippy freak or an effete, absinthe-swigging artist who thinks he is Jesus.
7. El Quixote — This offshoot of the scrappy is a tough look to pull off, but if you’re fond of tilting at windmills on swaybacked horses, this is one you want to sport. Warning — certain to induce a full-on psychotic break after your first bad love affair.
8. Der Lipfinder — You will not like this beard, English. Is too much work to keep that upper lip free of hair, the way God intended. Warning — if you really are wearing Der Lipfinder for religious reasons, be aware that it drives the ladies crazy. Rrrroow!