Tip o’ the hat to ENC Press for finding this. Now, go reward them by downloading a free copy of my first novel, The Amadeus Net. Seriously, for the month of May, you can download a PDF of my first book for free.
Archive | Monkeys!
How to Play Monkey-Robot-Pirate-Ninja-Zombie (moropinzee)
Here is the new version of rock-paper-scissors, or rochambeau, as it is sometimes known. As you can see from the schematic below, each thing can beat two other things, and is, in turn beaten by two other things.
The players both count to five (three), though it is obviously better to repeat the name of the game (Monkey! Robot! Pirate! Ninja! Zombie!). Each time you raise your fist and swing it down. On the fifth (third) count, you form your hand into one of the five gestures. (It is recommended that in addition to the hand gesture, you also add an aural component to this — see below for suggested noises.)
So, what beats what, and what are the gestures? What?
Monkey
- Monkey fools Ninja
- Monkey unplugs Robot
Suggested noise: ee-ee-eek!
Robot
- Robot chokes Ninja
- Robot crushes Zombie
Suggested noise: ex-ter-min-ate!
Pirate
- Pirate drowns Robot
- Pirate skewers Monkey
Suggested noise: arrrrr!
Ninja
- Ninja karate chops Pirate
- Ninja decapitates Zombie
Suggested noise: keeee-ah!
Zombie
- Zombie eats Pirate
- Zombie savages Monkey
Suggested noise: braaaaaaaaaainsss!
There is a logic to the hand gestures provided, and with any luck they are perfectly obvious. Now, you may be wondering, “Mark, are you totally insane? Are you procrastinating, perchance? Or are you just bored?” The answer is yes.
Update: based on a scientific survey of the comments, Twitter and Facebook updates, “moropinzee” seems to be the easiest name for this game to remember. Someone also had the excellent notion that there could be a full-body dance to celebrate a win.
Alltop and is easy to beat because they always choose monkey. Swirlee.com had the original concept, and I’ve come up with the signs, graphics and sound effects.. Originally posted in March, 2009.
Ask General Kang: How do you beat high gas prices?
I have never owned one of your quaint “internal combustion engine” vehicles, so I have not had to worry about the high price of gas, but I have been getting nailed on the cost of most foods appropriate for the Thringian Keg-Beast that I ride to work every day.
On my home planet, I fed my Keg-Beast leftover hyper-bananas from the über-chimp orgy the night before, but since I’ve been on Earth, there has been a dearth of both hyper-bananas (apparently they won’t grow in your frigid Earth climate) and über-chimp swinging events (this explains why I am so cranky). So, I’ve found alternatives; the Keg-Beast works best on a mixture of corn syrup, mescaline and the sweat of writers living in a state of quiet despair. Most of those elements are plentiful and relatively cheap, but do you have any idea how costly corn syrup is?
You humans are stupid! You’re burning fossil fuels to grow corn, which you turn into ethanol to burn along with your fossil fuels. Why don’t you just cut out the middle-man and take a flamethrower to your cornfields when they’re ripe? You will lose only a fraction of the energy value and most of the vegetable matter will end up adding to global warming. As an added bonus: big fire!
Then your planet will be able to grow hyper-bananas, and all will be well.
… Assuming we can get a few female über-chimps down here too.
Next time: I’m trapped in the Andromeda galaxy because my hyper-drive engine is asking for a better benefits package — how do it get it back to work without giving it full dental?
Alltop would try this, but it’s allergic to bananas.
Keeping things in perspective
Sometimes, life can seem overwhelming, or trivial.
In either case, this presentation on the scale of the universe, from largest to smallest, may help. [You may want to turn your sound down a bit.]
And if that doesn’t blow your mind, here is a photo of monkeys drawn on a banana:
Ask General Kang: Will you vote in the Canadian federal election today?
I find this democratic process of yours quaint and charming, so yes, I’ll be voting. It’s hard to believe I’ve been on this magnificent blue ball (which you are ruining by the way) long enough to receive citizenship, but I have.
Funnily enough, I started out in politics.
My own home planet, Neecknaw, once had a system of government similar to the “representative” democracies of your Earth nations. So before I became an overlord, I was elected Prime Primate.
Now, winning an election is not an easy thing to do (unless you’re Jean Chretien), but I managed through a combination of inspiring oratory, good organization, and the secretions of the Pfluugen Slug from Planet Muguulgar. (This colorless and odorless liquid is quite powerful, and renders imbibers of it very suggestible. Okay, it makes them your willing slaves, but only if you know how much to use and what to say afterward.)
Oh, I can see what you are thinking: how could he possible give that every voter? I didn’t have to. I only had to slip a little bit in to reporters’ drinks at the Press Club. Now clearly, this subterfuge would never work here in Canada, in this post-journalism era. I suspect that even if I drugged the pollsters and forced them to reveal I was far ahead, that would not work.
If find your Canadian electorates’ ability to do its own thing quite disturbing. (Not as disturbing as Stephen Harper finds it, I’m sure, but still.)
But don’t worry, eventually I’ll get a new armada and a few brigades of uber-chimps armed with slide whistles and plasma rifles, and then I’ll sort it all out!
Next time: I’m building a Moon of Destruction, and I’m working out some of the details. How small do the exhaust ports have to be to prevent teenagers from blowing it up with a single plasma bolt?
Alltop is outraged that Mark just stole that joke from Robot Chicken.
Fun Beatles Fact
Paul and John were huge Superman fans, especially the avant garde series that Joel Shuster wrote in 1950, after self-medicating with LSD.