Archive | Monkeys!

Ask General Kang: How do I keep my New Year’s resolutions?

Ask General KangWe had a similar custom on my homeworld, Neecknaw, but there we called them Slorg Wishes.

Slorg was once the Overlord of our planet, back in the Taupe Ages — he was known colloquially as the Beige Lord, but he was actually quite a colorful character.

Every year, he would Wish that he could make something better about the people who worked for him. For Bluknark the Compulsive Eater (Minister of Celebrations and Public Executions), Slorg required that he lose some of his massive monkey gut. For the Minister of War and Love, Lord Prangdong, Slorg required fewer paternity suits. And so on.

And then the next year, Slorg would review their progress during his Annual Performance Evaluation Festival. (Known amongst the commoners as the APE-fest.) If you did not keep to your goals, then Slorg exacted some kind of punishment, depending on how badly you missed the mark. The aforementioned Bluknark actually gained weight one year, and he was fed to the Almighty Cram-Beast, and is presumably still being digested. Though Ministers were held to a higher standard, everyone was terrified of not meetings Slorg’s Wishes.

If you succeeded, that was called “Meeting Expectations” and you were only lightly tasered, right before the Breakfast After APE-fest. (This kept costs down because people were usually not too hungry then.) Naturally, the following year’s Slorg Wishes were quite a bit more onerous, because if a tool like you could meet your goals, then clearly, they weren’t challenging enough.

My suggestion is that you engage me as your Slorg. I have my own taser and everything.

Next Time: Has anyone ever told you, that for a diminutive simian, you’re dead sexy?

Alltop always exceeds expectations. Originally published, January 2007. Wild.

Don’t judge me! (A post about video games)

Dara O’Brien just nails the whole video game art form, not only from the ridiculousness of the games themselves, but also from the perspective that not everyone plays them.

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Some of my fave quotes:

“You cannot be bad at watching a movie; you cannot be bad at listening to an album; but you can be bad at playing a video game, and the video game will punish you, and deny you access to the rest of the video game. No other art form does this. You’ve never read a book and three chapters in, the book has gone: ‘what are the major themes of the book so far?'”

“Oh my god I’m in a gun battle! Which one of these buttons isn’t crouch?”

“You’re not supposed to like video games. It’s the largest entertainment industry in the world, and we’re supposed to NOT enjoy it. … If I’m at a dinner party and somebody asks me, ‘hey Dara, how do you like to relax after a gig,” it’s less embarrassing to say: ‘I like to masturbate to hard core pornography.'”

And his pantomime of what his video game characters look like perfectly reflects my character’s actions the first time I played Bioshock.

You can find the video at YouTube if the embedded one is stuck on crouch.

Hey, Alltop likes that pet a unicorn game! Via The Daily What.

You clay stassy, San Diego!

Love this clip, in which a newswoman demonstrates how to call a turkey. Safe for work, but really, it shouldn’t be:

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Also found on YouTube if the embeddy thing doesn’t work.

And if THAT wasn’t classy enough, here’s another hilarious (but rude) cartoon from Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal:


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Alltop approves of all forms of lurkey tove.

Winner of the Canada Reads t-shirt pimping prize

blue t-shirt showing rules of MopironinzeeAs an incentive to get people to nominate Marvellous Hairy for Canada Reads this year, I promised to hold a draw for a t-shirt from all the people who helped out.

I strongly suspect that people nominated the novel because either they liked it, or they like me, or they think that I will, at some future date, help them in a similar manner. (I will.) However, I’m still giving away the t-shirt. And it’s going to Ian Ferguson.

Ian, as it turns out, is somewhat a known quantity on the Canadian literary/theatrical scene. At this point, I should state that the draw for the extremely excellent t-shirt (shown above) was entirely random. That said, I hope to see stories about people playing monkey-pirate-robot-ninja-zombie in Victoria very soon. (This game is known amongst the hip kids as “mopironinzee”.)

So congrats to Ian, and for the rest of you who helped out — you know who you are — the offer of a coupon for $2 off Marvellous Hairy or a crudely drawn picture of a Canadian celebrity as a monkey stands. Just let me know your preference via Twitter, email or Facebook.

Canada Reads announces its long list tomorrow.