Archive | Monkeys!

There’s still time to nominate Marvellous Hairy as an essential Canadian novel

Canada Reads bannerWe are into the last week of the open nomination process for the next Canada Reads. As another incentive to help you nominate Marvellous Hairy, I have come up with a further four reasons why the novel is an “essential” Canadian novel. (For those of you who are counting, that comes to 13, one reason for each province and territory.) There are actual prizes for helping to achieve this feat of literary democracy.

Four more reasons why Marvellous Hairy should be on the Canada Reads longlist:

  1. every time a Canadian reads Marvellous Hairy, they have an uncontrollable urge to do one of three things:
    • drink a beer
    • eat some poutine
    • have sex in the snow.
  2. on rare occasions Canadians are compelled to do all three, though not necessarily in that order.
  3. check out the Wikipedia entry under Traits of Canadian Literature; of the eleven traits, Marvellous Hairy has eight:
    • failure as a theme (uncomfortable, but true)
    • humour (naturally)
    • nature (humourously)
    • satire and irony (I think both are just great)
    • self-deprecation (gosh, really, you thinks so?)
    • self-evaluation by the reader (I’m thinking better about myself because of this list)
    • search for self-identity (uncomfortable in some situations)
    • the underdog hero (best cartoon ever).

    Now, this is not mentioned by Wikipedia, but a strong Canadian trait in literature that is featured in Marvellous Hairy:

    • stories about people being turned into monkeys.
  4. like Canadian identity itself, Marvellous Hairy resists an easy definition: is it satire? Gonzo speculative fiction? Humorous fabulism? We’re not sure. And nobody has any ideas about the novel either.

Now, high thee to the Canada Reads website, and nominate Marvellous Hairy for the long list. Be eloquent, but don’t forget to release your inner monkey.


Prizes:

I was not kidding. Every nomination gets $2 off your very own copy of Marvellous Hairy, or if you’ve already read it, I’ll send you a crudely drawn picture of your favourite Canadian celebrity as a regressed monkey-like version of themselves. You will note, I said crudely drawn. You should be warned that I have no talent at drawing (and poor penmanship to boot), so my rendering will not make nearly as much sense as the one below. That said, you are welcome to this offering. I will, of course, sign it. Just email me or send me a note via Twitter, or my Facebook page. (Also, everyone who helps gets entered in a draw for a disturbing t-shirt.)

Obviously, any actual Canadian celebrity who would like to see a crudely drawn rendering of them as a regressed monkey-like creature, need only send me their address, phone number, and blood type, and I will send it immediately.

Here’s something to give you a sense of how good this artwork will not be:

John A. Macdonald, if he looked more like a monkey

You can find the Wiki entry on Traits in Canadian literature here. Devolving tool here.

The original nine reasons why Marvellous Hairy is an essential Canadian novel are listed here.

Alltop is confused what this whole “literature” thing is about, but is excited about the monkeys.

Introducing the Venkman Brothers

two clowns on the beach, looking at the ocean

Herbetron and Merculia Venkman came from a proud line of Norwegian clowns, and were determined to climb to dizzying heights in America. They gazed at the ocean, their white chins pointed up with pride, their red noses threatening to fly off in the stiff Atlantic breeze.

It had been a long road to recovery for the Venkmans. As children, their village of Pranking had been devastated by the baffling appearance of exploding Sperm Whales. The survivors had all been clowns, circus freaks, and a few roadies, so they were able to take the jokes. Herbetron, in particular, had a vision. He could see a time when the world would laugh with them, not at them. Well, okay, the world would still be laughing at them, they were clowns after all, but it would be intentional. They would be laughs of dignity.

Then a piano fell on them.

Alltop once had an accordion land on its foot. Awesome clown photo via Twisted Vintage.

Nine Reasons Why Marvellous Hairy Is An Essential Canadian Novel

canada reads bannerAs you may know, the fine folk at CBC have foolishly opened the doors to an avalanche of self-promotion by allowing people to nominate their own choice of book for the competition. On the Canada Reads website, they state that this year, Canada Reads is looking for the essential Canadian novels of the decade.

It would be wonderful if you, dear reader, could help get Marvellous Hairy on the long list (’cause we need to be realistic about this, and that in itself would be a coup). So that you can feel confident in helping achieve this, here are the reasons why Marvellous Hairy is an essential Canadian novel:

  1. after finishing Marvellous Hairy, most readers find it impossible not to end each sentence with the phrase, “beauty, eh?” (This includes non-Canadian readers, and they are warned of this issue in the Preface, Disclaimers and Warning of Side Effects which precedes chapter one.)
  2. what is more Canadian than hockey? A sense of humour. As the Midwest Book Review recently stated, MH “is a top pick for any humorous fiction collection, highly recommended.”
  3. (looking for approval from our American friends is also a very Canadian attribute.)
  4. published by Canadian indie presses, written by a Canadian indie writer (and silly hat wearer) and cover design by the only Canadian fictional character to lose his medical license for peyote-milkshake drinking.
  5. the first edition was printed on snow.
  6. the second edition is “hand” crafted by a cadre of literate beavers.
  7. each copy sold contributes to Canada’s GDP.
  8. Canadians who read the novel are guaranteed to develop prodigious mental powers, such as telepathy, telekinesis, and the ability to form orderly queues.
  9. in the novel a surrealistic novelist is turned into a monkey by an unscrupulous biotech giant, and saved by a group of friends fascinated with Freudian mythology. This classic Canadian tale was first popularized by Gordon Lightfoot in his epic song, Canadian Railroad Trilogy.

Now, please go to the CBC website and fill out the recommendation form. It is your patriotic duty. Or, if you’re not Canadian, I promise to send you the instructions on how to stop saying, “beauty, eh?”

More about Marvellous Hairy here, including links to reviews, the podcast, and an excerpt.

Ask General Kang: How can I get more respect?

Ask General KangIt depends on how much respect you’re looking for, really. I mean, if you just want your friends, family and neighbours to respect you then it should be pretty easy.

From what I can see, your smaller primate groupings here on Earth tend to respect strength of character, kindness and consideration of others. So for starters, stop acting like a pretentious wanker, insufferable know-it-all, or complete douchebag. (People usually lose respect for individuals for one of those reasons.)

But if you’re looking for respect from a larger grouping of primitive hominids (that’s you, humans) — let’s say from the size of a corporation up to the size of a nation — this will require power too.

For my money, nothing says power like a phalanx of Über-Chimps decked out in gold spandex and helmets that look like the business end of a whale phallus. Oh, and they have to be toting plasma weapons too, or the look just doesn’t work. Unfortunately, all your backwards planet seems to think plasma is good for making televisions show crappy content in higher definition.

So, give your primitive technology I’d start building a thermonuclear weapon right now, and some kind of delivery system. (No one would expect a llama.)

My advice is to test it on a holiday weekend for maximum impact.

Next Time: I’ve read somewhere that time dilates near the event horizon of a black hole. Does that feel anything like my early morning Intro to Psychology class?

Alltop is a singularity of humor. Originally published, oh, let’s say … before.

Arthur C. Clark, wicked smart prognosticator

I’m still impressed by Arthur C. Clark. Not only did he write 2001: A Space Odyssey (the book and the movie), he contributed to the development of geostationary satellites as a communications technology.

This clip is fascinating. He’s right about the communications (though a lot of it is Internet, not satellite), and dead wrong on the cities. Cities are continuing to get bigger, despite advances in communications.

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YouTube video here, via obsessivecompulsive