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The Lost Power Point Slides (William Wallace Edition)

By on September 10, 2005 in The Lost PowerPoints

image of William Wallace at Stirling BridgeWilliam Wallace Presents the Battle of Stirling Bridge (Slide Five)

  • We smell like crap
  • We can’t read
  • We’re covered in woad
  • Time to kick some ass!

William Wallace Presents the Battle of Stirling Bridge (Slide Six)

  • What’s in it for you?
  • Freedom from English tyranny. (Not Scottish.)
  • For me? I don’t know, perhaps I’ll get knighted or something.

Sir William Wallace Explores Concept of Defeat at Falkirk (Slide 3)

  • Form in schiltrons – yah, like a hedgehog
  • English can’t break through those!

Trial of Wallace in London (Slide 1)

  • Can’t be tried for treason
  • Never subject of Edward
  • Didn’t knock up your future Queen either.

Inspired by:
Battle of Stirling Bridge (Sep. 11, 1297)

The Lost Power Point Slides: Liberation of Paris Edition

By on August 25, 2005 in Parody & Satire, The Lost PowerPoints

De Gaulle walks with Eiffel Tower in hand

Charles De Gaulle presents “A French-Made Liberation” (slide 5)

  • Paris! Outraged Paris! Broken Paris! Martyred Paris, but liberated Paris!
  • Liberated by the people of Paris with help from the armies of France.
  • Also with the help and support of the whole of France.
  • Yep, just France.

Charles De Gaulle presents “A French-Made Liberation” (slide 6)

  • Only France fought. Really. Nobody else.
  • Who are those ranks of Americans? Tourists! The Tourists are Returning!
  • Ignore them. Those English yobs too. Long live France.
  • France France France France France France France France!

[Slide wipe when when his head explodes.]

German Military Governor Dietrich von Choltitz Explains Why Paris Not a Second Stalingrad (first slide)

  • Didn’t want to wreck Paris. Paris is nice.
  • Except for the waiters, of course.
  • And the shopkeepers.
  • And any person in the service industry, actually.
  • However, they are quite accommodating if you have a gun.

Fact checking:
Liberation of Paris, August 25, 1944 [Wikipedia] | DeGaulle’s actual speech

The Lost Power Point Slides: Bonehead Ideas Edition #1

By on August 7, 2005 in Skwibby fiction, The Lost PowerPoints

Kon-Tiki!

Thor Heyerdahl presents Kon-Tiki expedition (slide 1)

  • Hey fellow Norwegian super-men, let’s put on a show!
  • Let’s prove you can sail a raft from South America to Polynesia.
  • Call it Kon-Tiki, you know, the Inca sun god.

Thor Heyerdahl presents Kon-Tiki expedition (slide 2)

  • Are you Norwegian? Then you can come.
  • We have room for one Swede, so Bengt, you can come too.
  • Bengt will be our steward, organizing food and translator, the girliest occupations.

Thor Heyerdahl presents Kon-Tiki expedition (slide 3)

My theory:

  • That ancient pre-Columbian natives first settled Polynesia
  • They were the “long-eared” people
  • Yes, wiped out by “short-eared” people, who immigrated from Asia
  • Lucky for the “short-eared” people the “no-eared” people lived in Africa and had never heard of Pacific.

Thor Heyerdahl presents Kon-Tiki expedition (slide 6)

Rules:

  • Only materials and technologies available to ancient Polynesians in South America
  • If we run out of food it will be Bengt’s fault.
  • Therefore, we eat him first.

Inspired by:
Kon-Tiki Expedition, landing in Polynesia on August 7th, 1947.

The Lost Power Point Slides: Fortean Edition

By on August 6, 2005 in Odd Science, The Lost PowerPoints

Charles Fort, circa. 1920In honor of Charles Fort’s birthday (Aug. 6, 1874) The Skwib offers these slides from Fort himself, the man who invented the word teleportation, and who spent most of his life examining the territory between science and the absurd.

Explaining one of his 1915 manuscripts, called ‘X’ (slide 10)

  • Always been interested in planet Mars
  • Mars inhabited by red, pink and orange races of humanoids
  • The red race, or Barsoonians, actually control events on Earth.

Explaining his other 1915 manuscript, called ‘Y’ (slide 6)

  • Sinister civilization hides under the South Pole
  • There are also dinosaurs there too.

Explaining why he burned both manuscripts (slide 2)

  • Showed them to Edgar Rice Burroughs
  • He thought they were great
  • If he liked them, they were probably crap.

Introducing alien abductions (slide 3)

  • Abduct human beings by means of “teleportation”
  • (An alien technology that allows instantaneous travel between two distant points)
  • For some reason, they are particularly interested in the business end of our digestive tracts.

Presenting ‘Wild Talents’, his 1932 book (slide 12)

  • Okay, “teleportation”. Phew, what was I thinking?
  • Teleportation is not an alien technology or ‘cosmic joker’
  • Teleportation is the result of freakish propensity to engage one’s primeval mind
  • Less than one in one million people have this propensity
  • I am one of them. Just kidding. I can barely THINK, let alone teleport things.

Charles Fort [wikipedia] | Fortean Bureau | Fortean Times

The Lost Power Point Slides: The Dog Edition (#1)

By on August 3, 2005 in The Lost PowerPoints

Why you should let me eat that disgusting thing on the road: (slide 2)

  • Oooh, it smells good.
  • By good I mean gross.
  • (Remember, in dog terms, gross is good.)

Why you can trust me not to roll in that disgusting thing in the park: (slide 6)

  • Really, I won’t roll in it.
  • But it smells good, doesn’t it?

Butt smelling, the canine semaphore: (slide 6)

  • Most hominids do not realize that their butts are data-rich sites of good smells.
  • Canines are capable of deciphering many of these smells.
  • Which are good. (Gross.)

Marking territory — the four-legged art: (slide 10)

Like any art form, there are practical considerations:

  • How long a walk are you going on?
  • How much water did you have to drink before you left?
  • Can you make the resulting pee-to-distance ratio work out in your favour?

The Lost Power Points — Charles DeGaulle Edition

By on July 23, 2005 in The Lost PowerPoints

In commemoration of DeGaulle’s visit to Canada, and what he said on July 24, 1967:

DeGaulle Shows Diplomatic Side (slide 3)

  • Nice to be here in Canada
  • Thanks to Prime Minister for inviting me
  • Vive le Québec Libre!

PM Lester Pearson and the Undiplomatic “Get the Hell Out of Canada” Presentation (slide 2)

  • Fought to liberate France in First World War
  • Won Nobel Peace Prize
  • Canada does not need to be liberated, dink.

Anniversary of DeGalle’s “faux pas” (July 24)