Archive | August, 2011

The five second rule

By Mark A. Rayner on August 5, 2011 in Monkeys!, Skwibby fiction

zenball It was the best game of zenball ever, and the crowd was wild with excitement: the whisper of butterfly wings was deafening.

The Rotrovra Koan Kangaroos had just scored their first all-in kensho, and the Targenville Half-Lotus Lions replied with a double-satori. The Roos launched a full-out dharma walk, but they were unable to penetrate the Lions’ impressive grasp of paradox.

The Roos had to do something or the Lions would surely win. The hush of the field filled with the deadly susurration of arrows, as they invoked the five second rule.

Afterwards, only the voice of a bamboo flute.

Alltop is the sound of one aggregator laughing. Originally appeared on Name Your Tale, Feb. 2010. Image courtesy of h. koppdelany on Flickr.

Smurf-cutters

By Mark A. Rayner on August 4, 2011 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

hanibal lector will get spongebob! Lesley Pratt was a freakin’ evil advertising genius.

In his quest to sell soap, he’d turned the shock value of bombing smurfs into a marketer’s wet dream.

He’d even coined a term for the new form of advertising: aggressive suasion. (Though they were known as “smurf-cutters” to the Madison Avenue crowd.)

And in the course of doing so, systematically terrorized an entire generations of children.

A smattering of lead-lines shows how ruthless some of his campaigns could be:

Buy Sugar Smacks (or Barney Gets a Visit from the Vivisectionist, just like Baby Bop)
Do you want TinkiWinki to die too? Then use Flogg Brand Soap Flakes.
Only Mommy can save SpongeBob SquarePants from Hanibal Lector — Tell Her to Buy Spangles Spaghetti!

Based on this (real) ad:

Visit Alltop or Elmo gets kneecapped! Originally published in October, 2005, long before the movie!

Hamster Naming Guide, 2008 Protocols

By Mark on August 3, 2011 in But is it art?, Odd Science, Parody & Satire

I don’t have 2009 or 2010 protocols available to share, but for those of you naming hamsters in 2011:

Obvious: Hammy
Portly: Kirstie
Good: Buddha (also could be used for Portly, if male)
Evil: Gehenna
Skinny: Imogen
Cryptic: Thangador

I would love to know some of the other guides, but alas, I am too lazy to google. Feel free to inform me in the comments.

Alltop needs Honey Badger naming guidelines. Thanks to lunchbreath, on Flickr, for his awesome: HamsterNamingGuide2009. Confusing!

Efficacy of male archetypes in apocalyptic scenarios

By Mark on August 2, 2011 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

It always does seem a bit harsh that the step dads die such horrible deaths in disaster movies. They should do some sequels showing how the “heroes” of the movies return to their douchebaggery, ignoring their children, drinking too much bathtup gin (assuming there is the technology available) and cheating on their wives/girlfriends with attractive post-apocalyptic CHUDS.