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Beach Babes of Vision

By on August 23, 2011 in Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Misunderstood Genius

Greta

Greta “The Fallopian” Webcastico was ahead of her time. Not only was she the finest beach accordionist in the tri-state area, Greta was the first composer to create music designed to be played in counterpoint to the dulcet tones of molting seagulls eager to eat your French Fries.

The truth was, Greta was the ONLY beach accordionist in the tri-state area. That said, Arnold Schoenberg was intrigued by her ideas and incorporated them into his 12-tone masterpiece, “Variations on the Key of Bleeding Ears.”

Jenny Buxom, beach babe and safe sex enthusiastTime her of ahead

Jenny Buxom was also a forward-thinking beach babe. Nobody was sure if her claims that she had been to the Land of the Future was eccentric whimsy, or if her radioactive bikini (which she’d picked up for a song at the Atoll-must-go sale) was causing a her synapses to misfire.

Whimsy or not, she was serious about any prospective beaux putting on “the suit” before hanky-panky.

She called it safe sex.

Dieter called it delectable. Particularly when she stood on his air hose.

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Alltop is also ahead of their time. Thanks to Foxtongue for finding these pics. Originally published in February, 2009.

[From the Toulouse Le Grandfig Necrobiblia collection]

Ask General Kang: If you were running the World Cup, would you ban the vuvuzela?

By on June 23, 2010 in Ask General Kang

Ask General KangFirst of all, we should explain what a vuvuzela (pronounced vu-vu-zay-la) isn’t. It is not, as it sounds, the delicate private parts of a female Venezuelan sex dancer. It is a long, brightly colored plastic horn that can only be played in one pitch.

And it is delightful.

I would never ban it. Ever. In fact, I’d find a way to weaponize it. You see, you’re forgetting two things:

1) on my homeworld, Neecknaw, where I was undisputed and much-feared ruler for some time, some of my favourite forms of weaponry were sonic in nature. I still get a little evil thrill whenever I consider the Tune Brigade, a cadre of genetically modified baboons capable of carrying and playing the excruciating über-tuba. (I used them in the assault on that smug little ice world, Fofth.) Here are some of my other personal faves:

The Amplified Kazoo:
Amplified kazoo music is brutal. I once knew a bonobo who’s atonal rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Fargentina” could drop a brigade of gorilloids armed with broadswords.

Electro-accordion:
While not quite as painful as the Amplified Kazoo, Electro-accordions can work as non-lethal weapons, and are especially effective means of crowd control with young hipsters. Warning: does not work anywhere people listen to zydeco, the Paris metro, or at sessions of Irish music. This is most effective when deployed by an armada of angry uber-chimps with no sense of rhythm.

Doom-worms:
On Mephitis VI, there is a kind of multi-appendaged gut worm that can emit a high-pitched whining sound, which is a combination of noise similar to a mosquito’s buzz and about 100 overtired children stuffed into a mini-van. If amplified, the sound will pop the eyes out of any primate.

2) Soccer is a ridiculous game; what kind of self-respecting primate would want to spend that much time upright, kicking around a ball?

You’re just jealous of human bipedal locomotion.

[Sob] It’s true. It looks so elegant.

Next time: I have just broken the egg for my Tyfragian omelet, and there seems to be some kind of miniature civilization in there. How do I fold that properly?

Alltop thinks the accordion is sexy.