TORONTO (The Skwib) — They may wear toques instead of berets and scarf down high-octane Tim Horton’s coffee instead of smoking Turkish cigarettes, but a new poll shows 79 percent of Canadians are in as serious an existential crisis as most French novelists about to write a bleak philosophical roman ennui.

“A bit of uncertainty is healthy, but a crippling lack of meaning and purpose can really screw up your political system,” says Martin Angst, Director of the Void Institute for Philosophical Research.

According to the survey, a whopping 72 percent of Canadians who are undecided or who have said they will not vote in the next federal election have said they “don’t see the point”. A further six percent say the “meaningless” of the vote drives them to despair. One percent say they are heavy industrial magnets. The latter group are likely not existentialists, but absurdists.

“It is clear from these poll results that Canadians must accept that existence is prior to essence,” says Angst. “In other words, if they want meaningful choices they will have to make the choices themselves.”

And if Canadians don’t like the candidates available on the ballot?

Angst just shrugs.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are both filled with a sense of despair.

Fagan was one persuasive bastard.

He’d seen Fagan tottering down the street a mile away, and thought, that poor bugger. Imagine, having to work as a cellular tower, just to make ends meet.

But Fagan stopped in front of the barefoot nanus, and said, “hello sir, would you like to make enough monkey squeeze to malfrapt your pedicles in glorious leather?”

Taken aback, he nonetheless understood the human telecommunications relay. “How much?”

“It’s a piecework job. Think volume. You know, I own several pairs of shoes.” Fagan jigged the shoe-jig of joy.

Soon, his oversized head was bathed in microwaves for 12 hours a day, and he forgot all about his need for quality footwear.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com both have a thing about feet. Photo via Postaltrice.

McCoy, Kirk and Spock are all about to die as their bodies are de-atomized over a period of several agonizing seconds.

If you have never watched the original series of Star Trek, this post will not make much sense to you. Ok, that was kind of silly — if you’re reading The Skwib of course you’ve watched the original Star Trek.

But as we wait breathlessly for the reboot of Star Trek this week, I want to raise an issue.

I always thought everyone was a little condescending to Bones whenever he got a bit whiny about using the transporter. Dr. McCoy had good, philosophical reasons for being freaked out by the device. Basically, the transporter disassembles all your molecules, and then reassembles them somewhere else. (Assuming something doesn’t go horribly wrong in the process, as it did in pretty much every other episode.) It’s an existentialist’s nightmare.

So that means when you voluntarily use the transporter, you’re opting for instant death via total atomization. Sure, a copy of you will go on, but who knows, maybe it will be the evil copy of you, or perhaps the machine will screw up, and you’ll end up with Mr. Spock’s wang protruding from your forehead. In either case, it doesn’t really matter, because the you that you are at this moment (which granted, is also an illusion of sorts, but that’s a subject for another time) is going to die. And presumably it hurts a bit to be de-atomized. Did anyone else ever think it took quite a long time for them to stop “sparkling”? It’s seconds at least. Now imagine what that feels like, having your atoms ripped apart over a period of several seconds. Having trouble? Pluck out a few nose hairs. Now imagine that in every molecule of your body for several seconds.

I think everyone should have cut Bones a little slack, and let him take the shuttlecraft if he wanted. Besides, when you’re fighting Tiranglian Lizard people, or reprogramming a rogue computer, the doctor’s only going to be helpful in stitching you up afterwards. (Or whatever “non-barbaric” technology” Dr. McCoy used.)

If anything, McCoy was pretty stoic about the whole thing. If it had been me, unless the ship was having some kind of EPS-Flangerati-Electrolux crisis that was going to cause it to explode in seconds anyway, there’s no way you’re getting me onto the transporter pad:

“Mr. Rayner, put on your red shirt and step onto the transporter pad, we’re going down to the surface,” Kirk ordered the pudgy and pale-looking ensign.

“Nun-uh!”

“Mr. Rayner, you’re going down to the surface with the rest of the landing party, where we’re all going to die. Well, you’re going to die. Bones and Spock and I will be fine.”

“You put me on that sparkle thingy and I’ll die. Not gonna do it. Wouldn’t be prudent.”

“Don’t make me beat you.”

“Frankly …” Mr. Rayner lifts shoulders. “I’d prefer that…” Mr. Rayner raises hands. “Jim.” Mr. Rayner thrusts hands forward, then Kirk decks him.

Your Turn

Now, what other science fiction inventions would suck? High on my list would be the notion that “food in pill form” is a good idea. I definitely think that would be awful, though obviously not as much as soylent green. Also, artificial intelligence seems like a bad idea too. Am I missing any?

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are also not whiny bitches.

Anaxagoras of Ionia presents “Hot metal, man” (circa 450 BC) –>slide 6

• sun is not Helios riding a chariot in the sky
• it is a blazing ball of metal
• hot metal, man, hot metal
• hey, it makes as much sense!

Diagoras the Atheist presents “Miracle, my ass” (circa 415 BC) –> slide 3

• so this wooden statue prevented ship from sinking?
• throw it (Herakles) on fire
• if it can perform miracles, then it should have no problem
• otherwise, his thirteenth labour shall be to boil my turnips!

Democritus presents “Ungulate theory” (circa 400 BC) –> slide two

• all things made of atoma (atoms)
• soul is just an exceedingly fine and spherical kind of atom
• or perhaps superstition
• in any case, it’s not that different from a goat.

Socrates presents “Method to my madness” (circa 399 BC) –> last slide

• you have accused me of atheos (refusing to acknowledge the state gods) and corrupting the youth of Athens
• it’s a fair cop
• you should know I’ve been inspired by divine voice, Daemon
• also, enjoy a nice pint of hemlock.

Epicurus presents “It’s all good — not God — baby” (circa 300 BC) –>slide 12

• if gods exist (if!) then they’re not interested in humans
• death is the end of body and soul (if it exists)
• not to be feared
• what is good is pleasure, baby, but not too much pleasure
• why I let women into my philosophy school.

More about the History of Atheism here [wiki] and more ungodly humor here. The disembodied floating head of Epicurus (who rocked) is based on a photo by dithie.