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Winter Olympics: Ultimate Couples Ice Dance

By on February 9, 2010 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

Ultimate couples ice danceIn our continuing efforts to suggest more exciting and exploitative Winter Olympic Sports, we want to tackle ice dance next.

Sure, there can be moments of pure artistic bliss in the current Ice Dance competition, but it has been marred with controversy in the past. At the Salt Lake games, the French judge was bribed (either with sex, or money, or both, we don’t remember), and what is that Russian judge up to? No good, that’s for sure.

Besides the method of judging (it is one of the few sports that has an artistic component), Ice Dance doesn’t really meet the requirements of higher, or faster, of our new motto, and it definitely isn’t bloodier. So how could we spice up this choreographed ice-skating ballet of duos?

Let’s change the format to elimination, and have the couples face off in the rink. Two couples enter, one couple leaves! Two couples enter, one couple leaves! It’s the sub-zero Thunderdome!

Now, we know that some of you would like to see this played out with weapons, but we’re purists, and believe the only weapons allowed should be their hands, elbows, heads, knees and feet. And of course the feet are attached to razor-sharp ice-skates, so we will definitely be able to fulfill the sanguius component of our new motto.

The only problem is getting a zamboni powerful enough to clean up the ice between bouts.

Next: Polar Biathlon
Previous: Short-Track Chainsaw Speed Skating, Four-man Bobsled Jumping, Ultra-G

Alltop would only give this a 5.9. Original photo by Hanna.

Really Exploitative Winter Olympic Sports

By on February 8, 2010 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

The Winter Olympics are about to begin in Vancouver this week, and to honor this occasion, we thought to would revisit some suggestions The Skwib has had for more exciting events in the spirit of the Games. (The spirit of the Games being the exploitation of hard-working athletes and their dreams.)

Yes, the Olympic motto, citius altius fortius — faster, higher, stronger — is still one that inspires and arouses the best in us. Still, some Winter Olympic sports are, well, let’s face it, not as telegenic as we might like. Perhaps if the motto was changed to citius, altius, sanguius — faster, higher, bloodier — we might enjoy them more. And in so doing, truly honor the spirit of the games: the production of filthy lucre at the cost of our ideals.

Short-track chainsaw speed skating
Now, we actually think short-track speed skating is pretty good. Lots of action. Possibility of death. But what if the athletes had to zip around the track holding live chainsaws? Just think of the ad revenue! [pictured above, photo by johnthescone]

Four-man bobsled jumping

Four-man bobsled jumpingAny wimp can land a 120-metre jump on skis. Now, landing a bobsled filled with three other horrified Olympic athletes, that takes real skill. In fact, we bet that very few athletes could manage it. For added thrills, the bobsled jumpers could hold up their arms as they’re airborn, just like a roller-coaster! And just thing of the cross-promotional activities with amusement parks. Blue sky by suchnone

Ultra-G

Ultra-GMuch more dangerous than Super-G, Ultra-G combines the mind-bending speed of a flat-out downhill run with a circle of ice that looks like a gigantic Hot Wheels loop at the end of the slope. The winner of this event will probably be a qualified fighter-jet pilot or astronaut. Losers will be immortalized by a generation of traumatized television viewers.

Next up: Ultimate Couples Ice Dance, Polar Biathlon, Naked Fire Luge

Your turn: Feel free to add refinements in the comments, or other sports involving not just the effort and sweat of our athletes, but actual blood.

Alltop can’t believe the Olympic Torch ceremony was invented by Hitler.

Improved Winter Olympic Sports

By on February 4, 2009 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

Short track speed skating with chainsawsIn keeping with the new Winter Olympic motto: citius, altius, sanguius (swifter, higher, bloodier ), the Committee for More Exciting sports has suggested the following improved sports for the 2010 Winter Olympics in BC. To drum up athletes’ interest in these exciting new activities, the Committee is prepared to offer double the medal bonus that Canadian athletes get TO ANY WINNER (that means $40,000 for a gold medal, $30,000 for a silver medalist and $20,000 for a bronze)*:

Four-man bobsled jumping

Any wimp can land a 120-metre jump on skis. Now, landing a bobsled filled with three other horrified Olympic athletes, that takes real skill.

Ultra-G

Much more dangerous than Super-G, Ultra-G combines the mind-bending speed of a flat-out downhill run with a circle of ice that looks like a gigantic Hot Wheels loop at the end of the slope. The winner of this event is usually a qualified fighter-jet pilot or astronaut. Losers will be immortalized by a generation of traumatized television viewers.

Short-track chainsaw speed skating

You think short-track speed skating is exciting? Wait until the athletes have to carry live chainsaws at the same time. (pictured above)

Figure skating biathlon

Yes, firing a rifle after cross-country skiing a few kilometers is tough, but what happens when you have to do compulsory figures first, and fire while you’re in mid-air? All we can say is that it makes being in the audience a lot more interesting.

*There is also a death benefit for athletes killed during competition, ranging between $20,000-$100,000, depending on how “exciting” the incident, to be decided by a panel of judges.

This is another one from the archives. I’ll have new Improved Winter Olympic Sports in the weeks to come. Alltop and humor-blogs.com are only good for the “higher” part of the motto.

New Olympic Motto: Swifter, Higher, Bloodier

By on December 27, 2007 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire
Skurlington
Certain death awaits the skip unless these sweepers slow down the skeleton-rider

We love the Winter Olympics. They are much more fun than the Summer Olympics, but let’s face it, everyone at The Skwib will be boycotting the 2008 Olympics, except General Kang who is the competing in the “One Meter Pistol Event” (not to be confused with the 50-meter Land Requisition Event).

So we would like to see a few extra sports at this games to warm our memories while we’re boycotting 2008. We also think some of the next Winter sports could be a bit more exciting with a few minor tweaks.

Our first suggestion is to combine Curling and Skeleton — the most fascinating and most dangerous competitions combined in one sport: Skurlington | More improved Winter Olympic Sports | Not athletic at all really