Improved Winter Olympic Sports

Short track speed skating with chainsawsIn keeping with the new Winter Olympic motto: citius, altius, sanguius (swifter, higher, bloodier ), the Committee for More Exciting sports has suggested the following improved sports for the 2010 Winter Olympics in BC. To drum up athletes’ interest in these exciting new activities, the Committee is prepared to offer double the medal bonus that Canadian athletes get TO ANY WINNER (that means $40,000 for a gold medal, $30,000 for a silver medalist and $20,000 for a bronze)*:

Four-man bobsled jumping

Any wimp can land a 120-metre jump on skis. Now, landing a bobsled filled with three other horrified Olympic athletes, that takes real skill.

Ultra-G

Much more dangerous than Super-G, Ultra-G combines the mind-bending speed of a flat-out downhill run with a circle of ice that looks like a gigantic Hot Wheels loop at the end of the slope. The winner of this event is usually a qualified fighter-jet pilot or astronaut. Losers will be immortalized by a generation of traumatized television viewers.

Short-track chainsaw speed skating

You think short-track speed skating is exciting? Wait until the athletes have to carry live chainsaws at the same time. (pictured above)

Figure skating biathlon

Yes, firing a rifle after cross-country skiing a few kilometers is tough, but what happens when you have to do compulsory figures first, and fire while you’re in mid-air? All we can say is that it makes being in the audience a lot more interesting.

*There is also a death benefit for athletes killed during competition, ranging between $20,000-$100,000, depending on how “exciting” the incident, to be decided by a panel of judges.

This is another one from the archives. I’ll have new Improved Winter Olympic Sports in the weeks to come. Alltop and humor-blogs.com are only good for the “higher” part of the motto.

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8 Responses to Improved Winter Olympic Sports

  1. Kathy November 20, 2007 at 10:23 pm #

    I would like to see lugers going down the hill without their luges. I don’t mean when they have an accident and slide down the ice until they come to a slow stop. I want to see them do it on purpose. I’d pay to see that.

  2. Mark A. Rayner November 21, 2007 at 9:59 am #

    Oh, then I think you’ll love “skurlington”, a combination of luge and skeleton! m.

  3. the frogster November 21, 2007 at 1:27 pm #

    How about “Live Land Mine Curling?” You have to get as close to the other mines as possible without, well, boom.

    There should probably be a bonus for being in the audience at this one.

  4. Mark A. Rayner November 21, 2007 at 2:31 pm #

    I like it! Good luck finding sweepers! m.

  5. Daughter February 4, 2009 at 9:56 am #

    Ooooh what can one do to get on this panel of judges??? I want to rate exciting death level and subsequent compensation!

  6. Dr. Tundra February 4, 2009 at 11:52 am #

    Okay, but you have to sit right up front!

  7. Alex L. February 5, 2009 at 1:36 am #

    ROLLERBALL… on ICE! Thats my idea.

  8. C. Fraser February 11, 2009 at 9:07 am #

    Figure skating biathlon would be even better if there were two or more competitors on the ice at the same time, each being a target for the others.