Tag Archives | Forty-Seven Signs of the Apocalypse

Forty-seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#37)

By Mark A. Rayner on July 15, 2010 in Forty-seven signs, Parody & Satire

From the Book of iChronicles

And in this time the People shall become like unto the creatures that live in the Earth. The people shall share Tubes and they shall be intertwined, and lo, many will call them the Inter-Tubes and it shall please the people, though they are caught in a Web.

They will forget the Lord and instead, worship the Screen, and the Digit, and they shall share their wantonness thusly.

It shall pass that many of the People shall worship a False Prophet called Blue Bird. And they will be pleased by this Blue Bird, and they shall have the attention span of the newt, and share their brief and simple thoughts in characters of a gross less four. And some will say, lo! here is the Prophet of Blue Bird and its value is a thousand times a million talents!

And the Whale shall visit these Worshippers of the False Prophet, and there will be lamentation, and anxiety, and a great clicking.

The newsy proof is at the Wall Street Journal. Alltop is also worried about Satanic valuations.

Forty-Seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#41)

By Mark A. Rayner on July 8, 2010 in Forty-seven signs

From the Book of Bolt-Action Lamentations

The iTaser -- music and non-lethal force at the same time! And truly, there will come a time when the faithful women-folk of a distant land will no longer run through the Forests of the City without protection, for the men-folk will not Exercise with them and protect them with their bulk.

And lo! A Prophet shall say, “I shall protect you, though your men-folk do not!”

And the Prophet will construct devices of cunning, colored “fashion” pink, and “red-hot” red. And some devices will be covered with the Skin of a Leopard. Others will be “matte” black, and hidden in holsters of cow skin.

The Prophet shall sell these devices for a reasonable price, and they will be Weapons that Harness the Lightning. And when their Lightning is released upon the Unbelievers, the Rapists, and other Beasts of the Forest of the City, they shall say, “ung-ung-ung!” and fall twitching to the ground.

And all the while, the faithful women-folk of this distant land shall listen to the Music of the Heavens. And they shall glory in the Songs of Prince, and the Madonna, and other Holy Crooners that are good to hear when running, for the device can hold many songs.

Alltop like’s Bagel’s idea. (see comments) Read the signs yourself | The Prophets of Humor. Originally published January 2010.

Forty-seven signs of the Apocalypse (#42)

By Mark A. Rayner on July 7, 2010 in Forty-seven signs

From the Book of Renovations:

Computer in a beaver And in End Times there shall be many False Prophets, and they shall be Legion, and they shall learn of a magical land called Internet.

One of these False Prophets will provide the people with Devices that allow them unfettered access to the land called Internet.

And others will not be pleased by the shape of these Doodads, and devise all methods of making them more Pleasing To The Eye. They shall put these Thingamabobs into the Skin of Animals.

They will dance and sing around the Blue Light of their Unholy Instruments, and regale each other with tales of Beaver they have Split and Stuffed with Parts of their Devices. And rodents will become unto them as chieftains, and there will be great confusion.

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