John was starting to see the disadvantages of certain technologies; to whit, his all-in-one thermal eye-socket digital video, audio and pornograph implants were causing more than just a little radiation damage.
There was nothing they could do about their miniature schnauzer, Noodles, but the doctors said there was still some hope that his three children and wife, Yolanda, could be saved.
Then again, Noodles had been delicious.
London, Ontario (Ruetars) — The first schism within the Pastafarian religion has appeared in the sleepy Canadian city of London, Ontario, and it is led by the charismatic preacher Dr. Maximilian Tundra.
“Other worshipers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster have claimed that it is declining number of pirates that have caused the increase in global warming, hurricanes and earthquakes. In truth it is the lack of Vikings that has caused these ills, indeed, most of our problems are because we lack Vikings,” Dr. Tundra, the self-proclaimed Prophet of the Pasta told Ruetars.
Tundra is an unlicensed physician, best known for his avant-garde work in the pharmaceutical and plastic surgery industries. Though he does not come from an evangelical background, Tundra has gathered an impressive number of worshipers of the Great Pasta.
“I have communed with the Great Pasta at length,” Tundra said, “and it has told me that we must produce more Vikings or the Earth is doomed. It also said that I should really reduce my peyote button intake.”
The new sect, called the Norse Pastafarians, have suggested that the false religion fell into the trap of thinking it was pirates that have caused so many disasters because they do not take a “long, historical view” of human history. They also do not believe in redundancy.
When asked if there would soon be a “mongol horde” version of Pastafarianism, Tundra ran away, shouting: “I cannot say more — the Lord has told me you are on the South Beach Diet!”
[phone rings]
Sumiko: Soto Noodle — you will want to suck them fast!
Godzilla: So you serve noodles?
Sumiko: Yes sir, we are noodle shop.
Godzilla: Excellent, I’d like an order of noodles, shaken not stirred.
[pause]
Sumiko: I’m sorry sir, what you say?
Godzilla: No, wait I’ve changed my mind. Is your refrigerator running?
Sumiko: Of course it is sir.
Godzilla: Then you’d better go catch it! No wait, say “is your refrigerator running!”
Sumiko: Fuck uh you, sir!
[sound of Gozilla screeching in city-rending rage on other end]
When her friends invited her to the Harry Harrison Make Room! Make Room! Noodle Bar, Stacy expected a fun night out. Perhaps they would drink too much sake, eat some noodles tinted with green dye (that they would jokingly call “soylent green”) and forget about the tiny zombies rampaging through the city.
To her horror, she was presented with tofu.
More terrifying tofu here. Thanks to Betenoir for the photo.
Copies of Marvellous Hairy are available at the publisher's website direct or on Amazon.com
