Winter Olympic Sports

Certain death awaits the skip unless these sweepers slow down the skeleton-rider

We love the Winter Olympics. They are much more fun than the Summer Olympics, but let’s face it, everyone at The Skwib will be boycotting the 2008 Olympics, except General Kang who is the competing in the “One Meter Pistol Event” (not to be confused with the 50-meter Land Requisition Event).

So we would like to see a few extra sports at this games to warm our memories while we’re boycotting 2008. We also think some of the next Winter sports could be a bit more exciting with a few minor tweaks.

Our first suggestion is to combine Curling and Skeleton — the most fascinating and most dangerous competitions combined in one sport: Skurlington | More improved Winter Olympic Sports | Not athletic at all really

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In keeping with the new Winter Olympic motto: citius, altius, sanguius (swifter, higher, bloodier ), the Committee for More Exciting sports has suggested the following improved sports for the 2010 Winter Olympics in BC. To drum up athletes’ interest in these exciting new activities, the Committee is prepared to offer double the medal bonus that Canadian athletes get TO ANY WINNER (that means $40,000 for a gold medal, $30,000 for a silver medalist and $20,000 for a bronze)*:

Four-man bobsled jumping

Any wimp can land a 120-metre jump on skis. Now, landing a bobsled filled with three other horrified Olympic athletes, that takes real skill.

Ultra-G

Much more dangerous than Super-G, Ultra-G combines the mind-bending speed of a flat-out downhill run with a circle of ice that looks like a gigantic Hot Wheels loop at the end of the slope. The winner of this event is usually a qualified fighter-jet pilot or astronaut. Losers will be immortalized by a generation of traumatized television viewers.

Short-track chainsaw speed skating

You think short-track speed skating is exciting? Wait until the athletes have to carry live chainsaws at the same time. (pictured above)

Figure skating biathlon

Yes, firing a rifle after cross-country skiing a few kilometers is tough, but what happens when you have to do compulsory figures first, and fire while you’re in mid-air? All we can say is that it makes being in the audience a lot more interesting.

*There is also a death benefit for athletes killed during competition, ranging between $20,000-$100,000, depending on how “exciting” the incident, to be decided by a panel of judges.

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