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Ask General Kang: How much time should I be spending on Social Media every day?

By on October 26, 2011 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangNone.

Next question.

No, seriously, what is the right amount?

It depends. Do you have other things to do? Like, I don’t know, a job? Let’s assume yes, and let’s assume it’s about eight hours a day. Okay, so that leaves you 17.

17?

Sorry, I keep forgetting your stupid Earth day only has 24 hours. So, yes, 16 hours. Let’s book eight for sleep, which is average, so we’re down to eight. I’m going to assume you have an hour of commuting to get to work, because that’s the average here in Canada too.

Really, you’re living in Canada?

Crap. I really shouldn’t have said that, though I’m sure the RCMP are already tracking my activities. I have noticed an inordinate number of cube vans circling the block of late … anyway, let’s give you four hours for eating, drinking, personal care and household activities such as cooking and cleaning.

That should leave you with four hours.

So I can spend four hours doing social media?

Only if you’re a total knob. And don’t have children, pets, or anything else to care for. Also, you may want to leave yourself some time to exercise you gelatinous bastard. And what about a little community service? How about that?

Yes, I’ve got kids. And a cat. What if I’m writing a novel too?

Then you’re fucked.

But don’t worry, as soon as I take over the Earth none of these decisions will be of any concern. I’ll put you down for something in the uranium mines — the exercise will do you good, and you’ve probably built up a healthy resistance to radiation from all those years in front of a CRT.

Next time: If you are the last member of an elite and esoteric order of zen-like control freaks with mental powers, how would you go about recruiting new members? Would Twitter be a good idea?

Alltop is an elite and esoteric aggregator of humor. Originally published October, 2009.

Blogger dies of exposure

By on October 25, 2011 in Monkeys!, Parody & Satire

skeleton at deskLONDON, ON (The Skwib) — Yesterday the writer of the popular blog, Prawned! was found draped across his keyboard, unconscious.

Patrick Jones, aka Dedred S., was pronounced dead at the scene by the medical examiner.

Jones was known as an insightful and amusing commentator on the gaming and shrimping industries, and appeared as a regular commentator on many television and radio programs. He was also quoted extensively in Shrimper’s Times, the magazine of the shrimping industry.

Sorrowful family and friends are still trying to understand what happened to Jones. The blogger quit his full-time job as a successful lawyer to follow his blogging passion less than a year ago and everyone said he seemed “incredibly happy.”

“His blog was doing so well,” his sister Bethany Jones told The Skwib. “It was getting tons of hits.”

More than hits. According to the web experts, Prawned! was in the top 100,000 sites on Alexa (a website that tracks traffic on the web.) It received hundreds of comments on a regular basis, and had an inbound link score of more than 1,000.

“How could he die? I mean, he appeared on CNN!” his baffled sister asked.

“I was worried about him,” Felicia Jones, his mother said. “He seemed to be getting thinner and thinner, and his color looked terrible. ”

In his report, the medical examiner cited the cause of death as “blogging exposure”, though he noted that the physical cause of death was starvation.

Note: this post was originally published in June, 2009 BEFORE I saw District 9. Alltop has been cleared of any wrong-doing in the death. Photo by Adi Setiawan.

Writing: driving you slowly mad

By on October 24, 2011 in Hinky History

This is an image of The Isolator, purportedly invented by Hugo Gernsback the science fiction pioneer, and clearly, loon.

I haven’t dug into this, so it’s possible this is a hoax, but at the source website, this madness is taken at face value:

The “Isolator” is designed to help focus the mind when reading or writing, not only by by eliminating all outside noise, but also by allowing just one line of text to be seen at a time through a horizontal slit. via A Great Disorder

As the author at A Great Disorder points out, this “solution” for the problem of distractions perhaps takes the solution a little too far. Only allowing the author to see through one tiny slit seems especially mental. Particularly for those of us who, in the 21st century, have atrophied memories, and are incapable of keeping the previous line in our head. How can we maintain paragraph continuity, let alone the continuity of an entire novel?

I imagine The Isolator is the perfect piece of equipment if you want to write some kind of dadaist masterpiece.

Or, if you suffer from even minor claustrophobia, a complete breakdown.

On the other hand, the air supply arrangement does offer certain possibilities…

Alltop has one of these in its bedroom.

Where Have All the Readers Gone?

By on October 21, 2011 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

The Way of the DodoI spend a lot of time thinking about the death of print, the digital revolution and the massive changes we’re in the midst of, but sometimes it pays to remember that media shifts have happened before. So, I’ve taken a page out of Mad Kane’s book, and tried my hand at a song parody. You should know that I also tried to record this, but I have decided to spare you my ham-fisted attempts to sound like the Kingston Trio. Probably for the best. I already feel badly about mauling Pete Seeger’s song.

Where Have All the Readers Gone

(Sung to the tune of Where Have All the Flowers Gone, with apologies to Pete Seeger)

Where have all the readers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the readers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the readers gone?
Radio took them every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where did all the radio go?
Long time passing
Where did all the radio go?
Long time ago
Where did all the radio go?
All are watching the TV show
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all TV shows gone?
Long time passing
Where have all TV shows gone?
Long time ago
Where have all TV shows gone?
Now reality every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the viewers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the viewers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the viewers gone?
Gone to weblogs every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the weblogs gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the weblogs gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the weblogs gone?
Gone to Facebook every one.
When will we ever learn?
When will we ever learn?

Alltop can harmonize with itself! Photo thanks to net_efekt Check out Mad Kane’s page for more song parodies. Originally published October 2009.

Star-crossed lovers

By on October 19, 2011 in Skwibby fiction, Toulouse Le Grandfig

The being had crossed all of known space to find her, Lola LaBozla, the smartest woman on Earth. It had tracked her from Earth orbit using the prototype of her own wearable artificial intelligence unit and spaghetti cleanser (AIUSC), that while bulky, had a certain caché and definitely worked with her fish-net stockings. Of course, she realized right away that a being from another star system was using the AIUSC to track her movements, and she was intrigued. Who was this person? Was it a person, or was it some kind of hive mind that inhabited a pile of pasta bacterium?

She was relieved to discover that it not only an individual, but he had a form that was more or less humanoid. She felt this was further evidence of the Anthropic Principle. He had two arms, two legs, and a giant mouth in the middle of his face that had possibilities. His reflective bug-like eyes and claw like hands were a little off-putting, but she was encouraged by the size and girth of his cranium.

She just hoped he wasn’t too attached to wearing the shower cap.

Alltop is never without its ablutions hat.