Flannigan's
Phanerogam Rendering Tube, circa
1850
Commonly known as "The Nautch",
this was one of Michael Flannigan's most successful, if uncelebrated,
inventions.
Though an outwardly repressed people,
the Victorians were fond of their fun. At least, Victorian gentlemen
were fond of their bit of crumpet on the side, which accounts
for the staggering number of prostitutes and brothels (one in
sixty houses) in London. The female population in 1851 was more
than half a million (or about 4 per cent) greater than the male
population, and it seemed like most of them spend their time earning
a few bob doing Bob. (Bob preceding the current slang: John. Also
the etymology of the phrase: Bob's your uncle.)
It goes without saying that syphilis
was a real problem. That strange prognosticator Malthus had already,
and unaccountably, condemned the sheath, or floopyphellos,
as doxies and nautch-girls were fond of describing them. (An 1854
sex manual written by a Dr. Hoops Sie Drysdale had this to say:
"...the sheath dulls the enjoyment, and frequently produces
impotence in the man and disgust in both parties, so that it is
both injurious and ludicrous.") The spirochaete Troponema
had a field day.
Enter Michael Flannigan to save the
horizontal entertainment industry. His Phanerogam Rendering
Tube was the answer to every English gent's problem. Simply
purchase "The Nautch", conveniently pre-rendered for
your enjoyment, light it on fire, and stick your John Thomas in
the superheated mixture of tallow, lyme and plaster. (After the
fire had gone out of course.) The cure rate was phenomenal –
virtually none died of syphilis, though many were driven mad by
the intense burning that followed not only the first use of a
Nautch, but the subsequent intense aftereffects of the lyme application
on their members. (Flannigan had presciently combined that base
ingredient with both tallow and plaster, making it nearly impossible
to remove the admixture before the Nautch could do its good work.)
Some deviants swore by the Nautch,
and wives were even known to buy their errant husbands Flannigan's
invention by the boxload. Flannigan sold enough Phanerogam
Rendering Tubes to finance his ill-fated trip to Tibet
in 1852.
--"Scholarship" by The
Squire
