Chapter 3
Flannigan at Trafalgar
England confides every stinking sack of sea-scum will do his duty.

"Ah yes, I remember the Victory. The lads buggered me senseless. Taught me a thing or two though."
Rear Admiral (retired) C. O. R. Neole, 1856

There can be no doubt that the first few days on board the HMS Victory were a wretched time for the young inventor, Michael Flannigan. After the wildly successful test of the first locomotive in London -- a success that we are certain was the result of Flannigan's own inventing prowess -- a jealous Richard Trevithick and his behemoth of a cousin Andrew Vivian, had the young Irishman drubbed into service with the Royal Navy (RN). This was a particularly dirty trick, since England declared war on Napoleon's France a scant five days later (1).

But how lucky for the British navy that the Cornish ruffians felt so inadequate next to Flannigan's manly apparatus!

For not only did Flannigan survive his first few weeks at sea, he went on to play a vital role in the ensuing campaign in which Britain defended herself from the ravages of Napoleon's ambition, and not only because he discovered a way to hide rum rations inside the pants of the bosun's mate (2).

Flannigan was enlisted under the whimsical name of Thomas Whipple.

As Whipple, Flannigan discovered that his ingenuity, his facility with mechanical devices and his manual dexterity were valued on the Victory as much as his ability to turn an oily tube of grog, mealy hard tack and two corn rats into a reasonable facsimile of Irish stew.(3)

Many patriotic RN historians will deny it, but during his first voyage to the West Indies in the merchant ship, Bugle, the senior officers referred to the young midshipman as "Felatio Nelson."

After leaving Britain, the Victory joined the rest of the fleet and sailed with Admiral Horatio Nelson to the Mediterranean where they blockaded Toulon. When Flannigan finally acquired his sea legs and stopped heaving up his delightful "Whipple Mix", he discovered the truth of life at sea. It wasn't much fun. The food was bad, the sleeping accommodations terrible, and there was complete lack of room service. Not to mention the cursory, daily floggings. (4)

After the lash, Flannigan settled into life on the Victory, content to be popular with his messmates and the other seamen. In particular, Flannigan enjoyed it whenever the Victory pulled into port. Like many other of the impressed sailors, he wasn't allowed on shore for fear he would desert, but the captain was always good about allowing practitioners of the horizontal entertainment profession on board. It was about this time that Flannigan developed a healthy interest in both the ladies in question and the details of their profession, and this is when he invented the first of many of his sexually derived devices, the Whipple-It-Out. (5) This invention sealed Flannigan's popularity with the men, and prevented many a sliver in a doxie haunch.

Perhaps it was this mutual admiration that led Flannigan to create the invention thatsealed the British victory at Trafalgar. Hoisting of heavy barrels of both powder and water was the source of great pain for many sailors. The popping sound as bits of much-abused intestines poked between stomach muscles could often be heard on the decks of the Royal Navy, turning able-bodied seamen into so many herniated non-combatants. It was a serious problem, and up to 4000 trusses were issued to sailors every year.

Enter Flannigan and his brilliant mind. From his fascination with steel and iron, the navy had turned his talents to soft tissues. He created the Seamen's Vessel, a truss-like device that anticipated weight-lifting belts by more than a century. The success of this device was astonishing; not only did it prevent the endemic hernias in the navel population, but it allowed British sailors to increase the frequency of both between-gun coital interludes and the speed with which they could fire both types of weapon. (6)

This invention and its success brought the young Flannigan to the attention of Captain Hardy, who made "Thomas Whipple" his secretary. It was in this capacity that Flannigan made his final contribution to the battle of Trafalgar on October 21, 1805.

While the other officers and men were mourning the demise of Nelson (inconveniently shot in the spine) Flannigan arranged the "death" of Thomas Whipple, by throwing himself overboard.

When Nelson decided to signal the fleet, he requested that it say: "England confides every stinking sack of sea-scum will do his duty." (7) Flannigan, a democrat and republican at heart, was taking notes for the captain and translated this offensive phrase to something a little more palatable to his compatriots: "England confides every man will do his duty." (8)

In the ensuing action, Victory butt-humped the French ship Bucentaure quite thoroughly. While the other officers and men were mourning the demise of Nelson (inconveniently shot in the spine) Flannigan arranged the "death" of Thomas Whipple, by throwing himself overboard. He did, however, have the foresight to inflate a Bosun's Bar to use as a floatation device while he kicked his way to shore, landing somewhere south of Cadiz at Cape Trafalgar, and ending his undesired career in the British Navy.

--"Scholarship" by The Squire

Next: From Cadiz to Canada: Flannigan and the War of 1812

Notes:

(1) on May 15, 1803. [back]

(2) This device was known as the Bosun's Bar, and consisted of a long tube of canvas the inside of which was coated with Grizzle's Real Oil of Gar (hence the etymology of the famous term, "grog"). The tube was then hidden down the bosun's voluminous breeches. (The midshipmen were well known to be terrified of this serpentine bulge.) [back]

(3) He was known among his mess mates -- the seamen of the time were divided into groups of eight sailors who cooked for one another and ate together called "messes" -- as "Jolly Whipple" for his ability to turn unpalatable RN fare into an almost edible food called "Whipple Mix". [back]

(4) Flannigan had his first introduction to the cat of nine tails on September 9, 1803. How he managed to avoid punishment for so long, and especially early in his time with the Navy, we will never know. What we do have, is his terse recollection of receiving six lashes for referring to the lieutenant as "a miserable sod": "It was fuckin' painful." [back]

(5) Hammocks were not really suited to the activities of these ladies and most preferred to work in the spaces between the guns. To make this space more comfortable, Flannigan crafted soft mats made of discarded rattan canes, which were used in great quantities by the officers in 'starting' the men. The device was a clever one, which could be deployed quickly and surreptitiously by flicking the cord that bound the mat with one hand. (Flannigan notes in his journal that one hand is all that could be seemly occupied with this task at such times.) [back]

(6) Royal Navy vessels had a much higher rate of fire than both Spanish and French vessels, and contributed to its victory at Trafalgar and other engagements.

It should also be noted that this invention was the genesis for the Semen Hammock, a device he created later in life (well-documented in the excellent monograph, Flannigan: The Flaccid Years.) [back]

(7) As Wellington viewed his soldiers as "the scum of the earth", so Nelson thought of his common sailors as "stinking sacks of sea-scum". [back]

(8) Unfortunately, Flannigan did not know his signals very well, and so did not realize that "confides" is not in the flag lexicon. Lieutenant Pasco changed that word to "expects", which did cause some confusion and resentment in the fleet, though clearly less than the original message would have done. [back]