“Taking the Waters”

I found this old ad via Donklelephant, via Fark (yeah, sometimes I’m weak). I love the sales features: no diet, no bath, no exercise! –Wait, no bath?

I’m sure they mean the notion of “Taking the Waters” for weight loss and the curing of other ailments. This quaint European custom is still practiced today in such places as Karlovy Vary (Carlsbad) and Baden Baden (literally, Bath Bath). If you’ve never had the opportunity to “Take the Waters” I’d recommend keeping it that way. Generally speaking, the “Waters” are loaded with sulphates, sulphides and other combinations of salts that will make you wish you we never born.

I stayed at one spa that had telephones in the toilet (restroom or bathroom for all us North Americans). When I checked in, my thought was, “what the hell? Who makes a call when they’re on the crapper?” Then I “Took the Water” and a few hours later, while attempting to eject all the major organs in my body cavity through an opening clearly not designed for such use, I understood.

“Ah, the phone is there in case I need to call for a paramedic. Or perhaps to dictate my Last Will and Testament.”

Seriously, walk around Karlovy Vary, and you’ll be able to spot the people who are “Taking the Waters” and who have already learned why there are phones in the toilets. They’re the ones shambling around like zombies (the slow, dopey kind), clutching their little porcelain cups to their chests, dreaming that one day, they will have visited all of the evil sulphur springs in town — consumed the vile, spurting aquia wretchia, and then they will be done, “Taking the Waters”. With any luck, they will die before having one last go at the room with the other porcelain instrument of torture (and phone).

So, yeah, tapeworms. If I can avoid the “baths”, why not?

If you enjoyed this, or found it revolting, or it made you feel all squingy, why not let everyone know?

You may continue your quest to find the funniest blog at humor-blogs.com, or perhaps alltop. But you’ll just come back here…

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Tags: Baden Baden, Karlovy Vary, taking the waters, weight loss, weight loss via intestinal distress