BEIJING, CHINA (The Skwib) — In the lead-up to the opening ceremonies, the Beijing Olympic Committee unveiled one final demonstration sport for the 2008 Summer Olympiad.
Administrative Detention Triathlon promises to be an exciting new sport which combines the “sweet science” of boxing with the Greco-Roman thrills of wrestling and the Orwellian logic of the Beijing Olympics.
As in any multi-sport event, the “athletes” will have several events in which they’ll compete. First off, they will have to run through the streets of Beijing. How long is up to them, really, but when they stop or are caught — whichever comes first — that’s when the next event begins. (Note: most of the “athletes” who plan to compete in this event have been training in some of the most polluted environments available — Mexico City, Los Angeles and Rush Limbaugh’s underpants — thought it is worth noting that the Chinese competitors have been working out in Linfen, Shanxi Province.)
So assuming the competitors manage to survive the breathing difficulties of Beijing’s “blue skies”, they will eventually be caught, when the next event starts. The host country has gallantly volunteered its “police services” to help with this event, in which the competitors are “made to see the light” and “shown the error of their ways.”
Inevitably, the competitors will find themselves shackled, and then they’ll be whisked away to an un-named location where a court of International Olympic Committee (IOC) functionaries will put the demonstrators — I mean competitors — under house arrest. If they logged really good times, they’ll be sent to IOC headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland, where they will begin their “re-education.” (No doubt this includes a regimen of punctuality, yodeling and doing nasty things for money.)
Note: the smart money is on the Chinese team, though the Algerian, Egyptian, Syrian and US teams are also expected to do well. Canada is not fielding a full team, though several Metis from Winnipeg are expected to compete.
Funny? Outrageous? You tell us.
For readers who’ve only discovered The Skwib in the past couple of years, you may have missed the series we’ve done on the Beijing Olympic Mascots, and a number of demonstration sports planned for Beijing this summer. We will be running them again this week, just in case.
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