Propaganda Alert: Vikings were not metrosexuals!

noodly norsemenAs the leader of the Noodly Norseman, I feel it is my duty to alert you all that a terrible lie is being spread by the Daily Telegraph (in the UK) that the Vikings were metrosexuals.

The Telegraph is merely the press organ of a group of mendacious researchers at Cambridge University, who have published a guide that they hope will recast the Vikings not as the violent rape-and-pillage performance artists they were, but as a group of peaceable long-haired metrosexuals, more interested in personal grooming and poetry than sharing their deep and abiding love of hitting things.

As is the case with all effective propaganda, the story is littered with truthful elements. It is true that Vikings washed on a regular basis. It is true that Vikings did not wear horned or winged helmets. It is even true that many Norsemen spent a large part of their time in “peaceful activities such as farming, building, writing and illustrating.”

However, it is the big lie, you have to watch out for:

The guide reveals that Norsemen were also stylish trend-setters: “Contemporaries who met individual Vikings were struck by the extreme bagginess of their trousers.

A tenth-century Persian explorer described trousers (of Vikings in Russia) that were made of one hundred cubits of material, and a number of runestones depict warriors with flared breeches.” . . .

“The truth is that their culture was very artistic and they were keen to make an impression because they want to cultivate a certain look. They were very concerned about their appearance.”

You see what they’re trying to do here? They’re trying to distract you with stories about fancy trousers. They’re trying to say the Vikings were concerned primarily with the appearance, not “preoccupied with raping and looting.”

If the Vikings spent any time primping, it was to ensure they were properly terrifying when they came on shore. No doubt if we follow the money behind this new “research”, we will discover that it is funded by a group of global warming deniers. Without a resurgence in Viking population, the Earth is doomed. But they must be real Vikings. Skull-splitting, village pillaging, monk-raping Vikings.

Dr. Maximillian Tundra is the leader of the Noodly Norseman, a sect of the Pastafarian religion, which posits an omnipotent creator-being called the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM). Unlike the heretical followers of Bobby Henderson, the Noodly Norseman believe that global warming is caused by a lack of Vikings (not pirates).

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop also wear complicated pants. And don’t get me started on how ridiculously complex the leg garments of these people are: it’s Insane.

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3 Responses to Propaganda Alert: Vikings were not metrosexuals!

  1. The Hussy Housewife October 28, 2008 at 7:23 pm #

    Dam people always trying to change history to make it more “politically correct”

  2. Alex L. October 29, 2008 at 2:38 am #

    I miss the days of Monk Raping… erh I mean, Monk ra… ah screw it.

  3. C. Fraser October 29, 2008 at 11:44 am #

    Doesn’t the media know that we prefer our Vikings with the blood of a thousand innocent childrendripping from their beards? What’s wrong with that?