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Pirates, Vikings and The Lost Boys

By on January 25, 2011 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Norse PastafarianismAs he watched the proceedings unfold in court, Dr. Maximillian Tundra was starting to understand how Mohammed or Jesus might feel if they could see what had happened to their teachings.

Of course, all great prophets someday have their ideas formalized and turned into religions, but Dr. Tundra had just not been thinking about that when he formed his own sect of Pastafarianism, the First Church of the Noodly Norsemen.

Like other Pastafarians, they believed that the universe was created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. But while other worshipers thought it was the declining number of pirates that has caused the increase in global warming, hurricanes and earthquakes, Dr. Tundra had been preaching that, in truth, it was a lack of Vikings.

And now a radical sect of his very church (popularly known as the Norse Pastafarians) had been arrested for planning an extensive terror campaign against the misguided pirate-based version.

They called themselves the Lost Boys and planned to eradicate the pirate-believers. And they had been caught, because of Dr. Tundra.

He’d really had no other choice. The lead terrorist, who called himself “The Peter”, had been unwilling to listen to Dr. Tundra’s arguments.

“Peter –” he had started.

“THE Peter,” The Peter had interrupted. Continue Reading →

Norse Pastafarianism — an interview with its leader, Dr. Maximilian Tundra

By on December 3, 2009 in General Skwib, Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

The Norse Flying Spaghetti MonsterThe Skwib: Thank you Dr. Tundra for agreeing to chat with us about your controversial new sect of Pastafarianism. Could you explain to our readers, in case they don’t already know, what the differences between your group and other Pastafarians are?

Dr. Tundra: You’re welcome. Well, as you know, Pastafarianism is about worshiping the great Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), in all its noddly goodness. In most respects we follow the teachings of its Prophet, Bobby Henderson, but in one important aspect, we differ. We believe it is Vikings, not pirates, that cause the multitude of ills that affect us: global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters.

So, naturally, instead of wearing full pirate regalia, we like to trick ourselves out in Viking gear.

The Skwib: Yes, I was going to say that is a very impressive horned helmet you are wearing. My understanding is that it’s a myth that Vikings wore them, though

Dr. Tundra: It’s true — the historical Vikings rarely wore them, and we would never wear them if we were going into battle. But the FSM said we should make it easy to see we were the true religion.

The Skwib: Are there any other differences between you and the pirate-loving Pastafarians?

Dr. Tundra: Oh, we love pirates too, but they are not the cause of global warming. Much of our new creed is still being revealed to me by the Great Pasta. But we believe it is more than natural disasters that are caused by the lack of Vikings. The increased number of orphaned socks, for example.

Now, one of the first missions of the First Church of the Noodly Norsemen is to increase our numbers.

The Skwib: Really, the Noodly Norsemen?

Dr. Tundra: We’re still working on the name for our Church. What matters is that we follow the Prophet’s teachings.

The Skwib: So what drew you to Pastafarianism in the first place?

Dr. Tundra: Initially I was drawn to the flimsy moral standards, but I also like the Friday religious holiday.

The Skwib: So you got into it for crass personal reasons? We note that you have a rather suspect career. Is it true that you have lost your license to practice medicine?

Dr. Tundra: Ah, ah, I’m having a vision …

The Skwib: And is it also true that you have a, shall we say, somewhat avant garde approach to the use of pharmaceuticals?

Dr. Tundra: The Great Pasta is speaking to me … O’ ramen pasta yum! O’ ramen pasta yum!

Alltop and humor-blogs.com believe global warming is caused by a lack of laughter. Believe it or not, this post was originally published in August, 2005!

New sect of Pastafarians believes it is Vikings, not pirates, that cause global warming

By on December 2, 2009 in Odd Science, Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

the great pasta (spaghetti monster) in viking helmetLondon, Ontario (Ruetars) — The first schism within the Pastafarian religion has appeared in the sleepy Canadian city of London, Ontario, and it is led by the charismatic preacher Dr. Maximilian Tundra.

“Other worshipers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster have claimed that it is declining number of pirates that have caused the increase in global warming, hurricanes and earthquakes. In truth it is the lack of Vikings that has caused these ills, indeed, most of our problems are because we lack Vikings,” Dr. Tundra, the self-proclaimed Prophet of the Pasta told Ruetars.

Tundra is an unlicensed physician, best known for his avant-garde work in the pharmaceutical and plastic surgery industries. Though he does not come from an evangelical background, Tundra has gathered an impressive number of worshipers of the Great Pasta.

“I have communed with the Great Pasta at length,” Tundra said, “and it has told me that we must produce more Vikings or the Earth is doomed. It also said that I should really reduce my peyote button intake.”

The new sect, called the Norse Pastafarians, have suggested that the false religion fell into the trap of thinking it was pirates that have caused so many disasters because they do not take a “long, historical view” of human history. They also do not believe in redundancy.

When asked if there would soon be a “mongol horde” version of Pastafarianism, Tundra ran away, shouting: “I cannot say more — the Lord has told me you are on the South Beach Diet!”

Alltop and humor-blogs.com wish they were vikings. More details at The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Less biased info at Wikipedia. Originally published in August, 2005 — that’s like 30 years ago in web time!

Propaganda Alert: Vikings were not metrosexuals!

By on October 28, 2008 in But is it art?, Hinky History

noodly norsemenAs the leader of the Noodly Norseman, I feel it is my duty to alert you all that a terrible lie is being spread by the Daily Telegraph (in the UK) that the Vikings were metrosexuals.

The Telegraph is merely the press organ of a group of mendacious researchers at Cambridge University, who have published a guide that they hope will recast the Vikings not as the violent rape-and-pillage performance artists they were, but as a group of peaceable long-haired metrosexuals, more interested in personal grooming and poetry than sharing their deep and abiding love of hitting things.

As is the case with all effective propaganda, the story is littered with truthful elements. It is true that Vikings washed on a regular basis. It is true that Vikings did not wear horned or winged helmets. It is even true that many Norsemen spent a large part of their time in “peaceful activities such as farming, building, writing and illustrating.”

However, it is the big lie, you have to watch out for:

The guide reveals that Norsemen were also stylish trend-setters: “Contemporaries who met individual Vikings were struck by the extreme bagginess of their trousers.

A tenth-century Persian explorer described trousers (of Vikings in Russia) that were made of one hundred cubits of material, and a number of runestones depict warriors with flared breeches.” . . .

“The truth is that their culture was very artistic and they were keen to make an impression because they want to cultivate a certain look. They were very concerned about their appearance.”

You see what they’re trying to do here? They’re trying to distract you with stories about fancy trousers. They’re trying to say the Vikings were concerned primarily with the appearance, not “preoccupied with raping and looting.”

If the Vikings spent any time primping, it was to ensure they were properly terrifying when they came on shore. No doubt if we follow the money behind this new “research”, we will discover that it is funded by a group of global warming deniers. Without a resurgence in Viking population, the Earth is doomed. But they must be real Vikings. Skull-splitting, village pillaging, monk-raping Vikings.

Dr. Maximillian Tundra is the leader of the Noodly Norseman, a sect of the Pastafarian religion, which posits an omnipotent creator-being called the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM). Unlike the heretical followers of Bobby Henderson, the Noodly Norseman believe that global warming is caused by a lack of Vikings (not pirates).

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop also wear complicated pants. And don’t get me started on how ridiculously complex the leg garments of these people are: it’s Insane.