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Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner

Everyone’s a critic

By on September 6, 2011 in Skwibby fiction, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Most Unconvincing Bear Award-winnersHank didn’t care that act had won the Most Unconvincing Bear Award six years running. He had been practicing on his flugelhorn, and he was sure that this season would be different.

The crowds were going to love the new routine: the breathtaking flugel-glissandos, the ursine feel to the dance, and his hat. God, they were going to love the tassly bits on his hat.

Carl had no such illusions. He did, however, pray for the sweet release of death.

Sign up for a regular collection of deadly absurd fiction at The MonkeySphere. You’ll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop loves tassly hats. Thanks to Foxtongue for the pic. Originally published April 2009.

Taking one for the team

By on September 5, 2011 in Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Snorting weaponized splenic feverIt seemed unlikely that Janet was an “anthrax tester” for the Department of Defense, as she claimed.

It just didn’t seem possible that she could snort a gram of weaponized splenic fever each and every hour for weeks on end and not show any effects.

(Apart from the tremors, vertigo, muscle twitches & paranoia.)

For more stimulation, sign up for a regular collection of absurd commentary and fiction at The MonkeySphere. You’ll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop can also make you snort. Thanks to Foxtongue for finding this pic. Originally published April, 2009.

Stiff Upper, and So Forth

By on September 2, 2011 in Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

I have London on the line, sir.“I have London on the line, sir.”

“What do they want?”

“They’re asking about the penguins.”

“The penguins?”

“Yes, remember, penguins is the codeword . . .”

“For what?!”

“You know, sir, the uh, devices . . . the prophylactics. . .”

“The prophylactics?! What the hell is that supposed to be?”

“Oh, sir, please. The rubbers. The con-domes…”

“Ah, yes. Well, tell them we’ve got that situation under control. And Jenkins?”

“Yes sir?”

“I’m sorry I snapped. It’s just that I’m fused to this desk, and . . . well, you know . . . It puts one off one’s game.”

“Very good sir.”

Stiffen your resolve, monthly, with The MonkeySphere. If you sign up now, you’ll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop is fused to its computers. Thanks to Midnight-digital for the brilliant pic. Originally published, April, 2009.

The Smears of a Clown

By on September 1, 2011 in Toulouse Le Grandfig

BibbiThey were never going to give him a Nobel Prize for Buffoonery.

The Pulizer committee had told him in no uncertain terms that there wasn’t a category for astonishingly narrow, rakishly worn top hats.

And he’d been shut out of the Oscars for years, even though the critics had not condemned his broad portrayal of Adams, Taylor, and Taft in his “Flatulent Presidents” series of movies.

Still, at the end of the day, Bibbi the Intestinal Distress Clown was happy with his Genie Award.

Sign up for the award-winning* MonkeySphere, a monthly hatfull of clowning around. You’ll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop is also interested in winning awards. *no actual awards were won. Originally published April, 2009.

Somewhere in the Heartland

By on August 31, 2011 in Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

the Mustard Gas and Swine Flu Enthusiast's Club

The economic downturn and subsequent collapse of civilized society was not welcome by most people.

But for the Pesquahoddy Mustard Gas and Swine Flu Enthusiast’s Club, the collapse had been a panacea.

Membership was way up, and their annual soiree, the much-anticipated Gas Masquerade actually turned a profit this year!

Membership in The MonkeySphere is also climbing. When it reaches 500, I’m giving away a Kindle. ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop is also a porcine enthusiast. Thanks to Foxtongue for the pic. Originally published April, 2009.

Belgium, circa 1906

By on August 30, 2011 in Hinky History, Skwibby fiction, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Dr. Malifico and his home-made robotDoctor Hans Christian “Liver-and-Favva-Beans” Malifico standing next to the prototype of his first business mechanical, the famous Red Juggernaut, Mark I (with claw and hook attachment).

Though it would be several years before he founded Juggernaut Business Mechanicals (JBM), and at least another decade before the technology was available for his “chainsaw and boom stick attachments”, Dr. Malifico had already changed the world. The Mark I was perfectly capable of terrorizing the two dozen cheese-making Flems at the Annual Limburg Stench-Fest, thus giving the hated French — his client — the chance to win the Palm de Pong with their inferior, though admittedly eye-watering Roquefort.

In the 1960s, the Red Juggernaut (Mark XX) became JBM’s best-selling business mechanical. Though primarily used to terrorize non-compliant nation-states, evil overlords have found many other uses for the Red Juggernaut.

Modern business collections agencies have found it especially effective, and it is a standard piece of equipment in hostile takeover bids.

Sign up for a regular collection of absurd commentary and fiction at The MonkeySphere. You’ll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop also has world-takeover plans. Thanks to Foxtongue for finding this Belgariffic photo. Originally posted March 2009.