Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Sir Thomas More Edition)

Sir Thomas More, painted by Hans Holbein, circa 1527Sir Thomas More presents “The Religions of Utopia” (circa 1515) –> slide three

  • several religions
  • sun-worshipers, moon-worshipers, Uranus-worshipers (the worst of them)
  • but the best religion worships an incomprehensible Deity.

Sir Thomas More presents “The Religions of Utopia” (circa 1515) –> slide five

their most ancient law:

  • no man ought to be punished for his religion
  • not even the evil-smelling Uranus-worshipers.

Sir Thomas More presents “The Religions of Utopia” (circa 1515) –> slide six

  • liberty needed so they can decide:
  • which religion is true and which is false
  • also, dignity of human values more important than religious dogma.

Sir Thomas More presents “Burning Lutherans” (circa 1530) –> slide 5

  • heresy against Church is a disease
  • started with burning Protestant books
  • now onto followers of Martin Luther
  • (but I only burned six).

Sir Thomas More:

“A man of an angel’s wit and singular learning. I know not his fellow. For where is the man of that gentleness, lowliness and affability? And, as time requireth, a man of marvelous mirth and pastimes, and sometime of as sad gravity. A man for all seasons.” ~ Robert Whittington (1520, before More’s “pyro” phase)

In addition to being an all-weather dude, More also was burner of heretics, or Lutherans as we know them now. Alltop is burning hot with humor. Originally published Dec. 7, 2007.

Municipal Investment Strategies for the Technological Singularity

The Singularity ArtsAn Open Letter to Town Council

Dear Councilors:
Your town may have an emergency plan, a development plan, a health plan — it may even have a plan for how to fix the potholes (though I doubt it).

But does it have a plan for how to respond to the technological singularity? Is it preparing for all the new economic opportunities? I suspect not.

Now, some have complained that that technological singularity is the “rapture for nerds”, but this couldn’t be farther from the truth. It is the municipal investment opportunity of the ages! Forward-thinking municipal governments can start preparing now, and be ready to reap the rewards of the point in human history when human intelligence is not only exceeded by machine intelligence, but when human intelligence is merged with (or eradicated by) machine intelligence.

You’re thinking: “well, sure I’d love to help get ready for this, but realistically, how do we plan? We don’t even know if regular flesh-and-blood humans will be around to experience the singularity.”

Of course we will!

Ray Kurzweil believes that we’ll be able to model the human brain by 2029, and create algorithms based on those models to allow computers to gain human-like intelligence. But is anyone working on a way for computers to go to bars and get drunk and hook up with other drunken computers so that they can “make a mistake” and then squirt out new computers? I doubt it.

So there you go: invest in light manufacturing. There will definitely be a need for humans to help create our new overlords.

But there’s so many other possibilities! What if the technological singularity is based more on nanotechnology than it is on the gross, large-scale electronics of our current era? Here too, prescient town councils can make good investments for the future. It will certainly be easier for the new machine overlords to replicate themselves in mass quantities if our human immune systems do not fight them at every stage. This leads to so many possible avenues of fruitful research: immune-suppressing drugs, radiation, surgery, bio-engineering, even psychology might (finally) prove itself useful by producing a technique by which humans could allow supra-intelligent nanomachines to use their bodies to reproduce.

We’re only scratching the surface here, obviously.

Many municipalities invest much of their resources in policing and this is an area where they will find huge savings, but only if there is a good interface between humans and our new machine overlords. Apart from the aforementioned research opportunities, municipal governments should begin looking at some kind of cybertronic peace officer corps now, to acclimatize citizens early — after all, an easily controlled citizenry is a productive citizenry! This could be as simple as implanting some kind of control chip in police headgear (hats, caps, flak helmets) to something more radical, such as embedding a semi-live police officers in a mechanical exoskeleton armed with rapid-fire pistols and a loudspeaker-augmented voice.

Municipal leaders should prepare for the darker predictions of how a technological singularity plays out. What if the new machine overlords simply wish to rid themselves of the human population?

There is a simple solution for this problem, and it is summed up in two words: rotating knives.

We’re pretty sure that would never happen, but even if it does, what if you’re the first town to think of it, and sell the process?

Think of the revenue. You could cut taxes. Contact us for more details.

Yours Truly,

Genghis Toon,
President,
Oberdyne Industries, “The Helping Corporation”

Alltop has an investment strategy for funny. Originally appeared on Grasping for the Wind, Aug. 9, 2010.

Celebrating six years of The Skwib with free stuff


In celebration of this event, The Skwib’s giftmonkey offers you a free copy of The Amadeus Net, a chance to win a Kindle, and yesterday’s un-flung poop.

The Skwib is officially six years old! The first entry in this archive begins in May 2005, and I’m celebrating with free stuff.

As you may know, in addition to writing this blog, I also pen novels of a satirical and absurd nature; in fact, I started the blog as a way to let people know about my books, but I’ve found The Skwib is its own reward. I hope you feel so too! So to celebrate, I’m got a couple of giveaways to share. You can get my first novel for free, and you have a great chance to win a Kindle eReader too!

My first novel, The Amadeus Net, is a futuristic satire that asks the obvious question, would an immortal Mozart have his own “sprouter” snipped off? Do sentient cities fall in love? Find out more at The Amadeus Net, and if you’re already ready to read it, you can go download the PDF for free (until May 31), courtesy of my publisher ENC Press.

And if you’re already sold on the whole e-book thing, then you may be itching to get a Kindle. If you buy my second book, Marvellous Hairy, you’ll have a great chance to win a Kindle Wifi (the $139 version) in a draw. All you have to do is buy the Kindle edition (or paperback), and then forward your purchase confirmation to me at marvellouskindle-at-gmail (dot) com. One-in-75 wins! (If you already have a Kindle, there’s a draw for Skins too. And Canadian and UK orders also count!)

The full details and contest rules are listed here.

You can also get entered in the draw by signing up for my newsletter, The MonkeySphere, or liking my Facebook page. When the latter reaches 2,000, I’m giving away a Kindle to one lucky reader. (And if you’re already signed up, you’re already entered.)

On a personal note, if you’ve enjoyed The Skwib over the years, I’d like to thank you for your time!

And I’d appreciate it if you gave one or both of my novels a try too. I guarantee, they’re MUCH better than the dreck I’ve been slinging around here:

And now, a picture of a monkey, wearing a hat, riding a goat. Caution, your head may explode from the awesome:

monkey riding a goat

Alltop wouldn’t be what it is today without The Skwib. Awesome chimp shot by Riley and Amos.

Ask General Kang: How do you beat high gas prices?

Ask General KangI have never owned one of your quaint “internal combustion engine” vehicles, so I have not had to worry about the high price of gas, but I have been getting nailed on the cost of most foods appropriate for the Thringian Keg-Beast that I ride to work every day.

On my home planet, I fed my Keg-Beast leftover hyper-bananas from the über-chimp orgy the night before, but since I’ve been on Earth, there has been a dearth of both hyper-bananas (apparently they won’t grow in your frigid Earth climate) and über-chimp swinging events (this explains why I am so cranky). So, I’ve found alternatives; the Keg-Beast works best on a mixture of corn syrup, mescaline and the sweat of writers living in a state of quiet despair. Most of those elements are plentiful and relatively cheap, but do you have any idea how costly corn syrup is?

You humans are stupid! You’re burning fossil fuels to grow corn, which you turn into ethanol to burn along with your fossil fuels. Why don’t you just cut out the middle-man and take a flamethrower to your cornfields when they’re ripe? You will lose only a fraction of the energy value and most of the vegetable matter will end up adding to global warming. As an added bonus: big fire!

Then your planet will be able to grow hyper-bananas, and all will be well.

… Assuming we can get a few female über-chimps down here too.

Next time: I’m trapped in the Andromeda galaxy because my hyper-drive engine is asking for a better benefits package — how do it get it back to work without giving it full dental?

Alltop would try this, but it’s allergic to bananas.