Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner

Ten spurious facts about Queen Victoria

By Mark A. Rayner on May 17, 2011 in Hinky History, Parody & Satire

Queen Victoria, Laser Beams powering up Yay, it’s almost Victoria Day — one of my favourite holidays, mostly because it’s so necessary. For those of you who don’t live in Canada, in many provinces we celebrate the birthday of Queen Victoria, Regina Atroxica, who was born on May 24th, 1819. (Thus the holiday is known here as the “Two-Four”, which is also, incidentally, the term for a case of beer in hoser. Beauty, eh?) Though the origins of the Victoria Day holiday are shrouded in mystery [wiki], it is worth noting some pertinent facts about the eponymous queen:

Victoria was born of German descent: her father was Prince “Schnitzel-Boy” Edward, Duke of Kent and Strathearn and her mother was a stein of Pilsner.
If she had not been 18 when her uncle (The King) died, then her mother would have acted as regent, provided the Household Guard could prevent her being quaffed by thirsty staff.
Victoria was the youngest and first Queen of England who had the ability to fire laser beams from her eyes.
She was the first reigning monarch to live in Buckingham Palace, which was paid for entirely by taxing the consumption of well-cooked food. (Thus explaining generations of atrocious food in the UK.)
Her uncle was King Leopold I of Belgium (her mother’s brother); he spent most of his days eating chocolate, waffles, and attempting to drink his sister.
Her husband, Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, could not speak a word of English and was her cousin.
Most people are surprised to learn that Victoria had the ability to speak through her genitals.
Her favourite genitals were (in order) Lord Melbourne, Lord Beaconsfield and Lord Salisbury.
Her husband died of typhus, contracted because of the primitive sanitary conditions at Windsor Castle, and because he did not believe in “washing, per se”.
Distraught after the death of her husband, Victoria went on a world-wide rampage, incinerating all who resisted her, founding Canada, New Zealand, and conquering the lands of Ireland, Scotland and India.
Prior to her death, she uttered the famous, but often misquoted phrase: “I am not amused.” What she actually said was, “If you do not worship me henceforth, I shall not be amused, and I my revenant will consume your children and beer as you wail in agony as I cook you where you stand.”

And now you know why we celebrate Victoria Day.

Alltop and was not consulted in the making of this post. Our apologies to all the hard-working contributors to Wikipedia. Originally published, May 2009.

They Might Be Monkeys

By Mark A. Rayner on May 16, 2011 in Monkeys!, Skwibby fiction

Tip o’ the hat to ENC Press for finding this. Now, go reward them by downloading a free copy of my first novel, The Amadeus Net. Seriously, for the month of May, you can download a PDF of my first book for free.

Alltop is always free.

The Tragic Story of Larry and Wanda Pogo

By Mark A. Rayner on May 16, 2011 in But is it art?, Skwibby fiction, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Larry and Wanda Pogo ... Unlike all the other inhabitants of Planet Heliumbag, Larry and Wanda were unable to levitate at will. This was a genetic problem that could not be cured with standard DNA Invasion (TM) technology, and so, they had to go through life, drearily trudging around their homeworld, which was not designed for “terrestrials” as they were so cruelly called by the indifferent, bloated citizens of Heliumbag. (Most entrances to buildings were at least thirty feet off the ground, so both Larry and Wanda learned how to climb walls and scale smooth surfaces at an early age.)

It was inevitable that Larry Pogo would one day meet Wanda Stiltskin, that they would fall in love, and find solace in one another. But nobody could have predicted that they would share their lives sixty feet up in the air, balanced precariously on SmartPoles(TM) made from a kind of nano-tubing Wanda had developed. (Ironically, Wanda invented this while she recovered from a fall trying to get into the Levitation Institute, which helped other Heliumbagians float higher than thirty feet. The fall had shattered her legs and left her paralyzed from the hips down.)

Larry was able to manipulate his SmartPole(TM) with his feet, while Wanda had a special “adaptation” for her SmartPole(TM) that she usually hid with an elegant, deeply shadowed dress or skirt. So long oblivious to their struggle to maintain just an ordinary existence, the Planet Heliumbag now made celebrities of the mercurial Larry and always-smiling Wanda. A Grand Tour of the Corporate Imperium was suggested and it was a huge success, leading to a gala performance on the homeworld of NaziWorks 3000 (The Caring Company).

Unfortunately, their SmartPoles(TM) put them at perfect snacking height for the gigantic, flesh-rending CEOs that roam the planet at will.

Alltop is also lifting. Originally published, June, 2009.

From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future | photo by OzJulian

How to Play Monkey-Robot-Pirate-Ninja-Zombie (moropinzee)

By Mark A. Rayner on May 15, 2011 in But is it art?, Monkeys!

Here is the new version of rock-paper-scissors, or rochambeau, as it is sometimes known. As you can see from the schematic below, each thing can beat two other things, and is, in turn beaten by two other things.

The players both count to five (three), though it is obviously better to repeat the name of the game (Monkey! Robot! Pirate! Ninja! Zombie!). Each time you raise your fist and swing it down. On the fifth (third) count, you form your hand into one of the five gestures. (It is recommended that in addition to the hand gesture, you also add an aural component to this — see below for suggested noises.)

So, what beats what, and what are the gestures? What?

Monkey

Monkey fools Ninja
Monkey unplugs Robot

Suggested noise: ee-ee-eek!

Robot

Robot chokes Ninja
Robot crushes Zombie

Suggested noise: ex-ter-min-ate!

Pirate

Pirate drowns Robot
Pirate skewers Monkey

Suggested noise: arrrrr!

Ninja

Ninja karate chops Pirate
Ninja decapitates Zombie

Suggested noise: keeee-ah!

Zombie

Zombie eats Pirate
Zombie savages Monkey

Suggested noise: braaaaaaaaaainsss!

There is a logic to the hand gestures provided, and with any luck they are perfectly obvious. Now, you may be wondering, “Mark, are you totally insane? Are you procrastinating, perchance? Or are you just bored?” The answer is yes.

Update: based on a scientific survey of the comments, Twitter and Facebook updates, “moropinzee” seems to be the easiest name for this game to remember. Someone also had the excellent notion that there could be a full-body dance to celebrate a win.

Alltop and is easy to beat because they always choose monkey. Swirlee.com had the original concept, and I’ve come up with the signs, graphics and sound effects.. Originally posted in March, 2009.

Tragedy plus time equals comedy, or why you shouldn’t trust Wikiquote

By Mark A. Rayner on May 12, 2011 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

Warning: while this post may be about comedy, don’t expect it to be comic.

I would consider the quote “comedy is tragedy plus time” an old saw, but it’s still an interesting idea. Could every tragedy become funny, given enough time? The British comedian David Mitchell seems to think so. (His video rant, which tries to explain why Vikings raping and pillaging in the Dark Ages is funny, but the Soviet takeover of Berlin in 1945 isn’t yet, is embedded below.)

The quote should really be, tragedy plus time allows comedy. Depending on how you portray events, you can still achieve either a laugh or tears, and sometimes both. That’s what art is all about, right? But can you imagine taking a scene say, Schindler’s List, and turning that into a rip-roaring farce? Wait, no! Don’t even try to imagine it, because, as they say in another cliché: “it’s too soon. ” You can make jokes about Nazis (not much fun in Stalingrad), but please, no jokes about their atrocities. Personally, genocide strikes me as one of those events that is impossible to turn into comedy, no matter how long ago it happened. (But perhaps I’m not really trying. Maybe there is some good humor to be had in the Church’s elimination of the Cathars, for example.)

Proto-goth and journeyman of the bon mot, Horace Walpole once wrote to a friend, “The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.”

I think I like that quote even more, because it gets to the heart of the difference between the two. Of course, it may be that I remember the quote: “Comedy is tragedy plus time” as coming out of the pie-hole of Alan Alda’s character (the abrasive Lester) in Crimes and Misdemeanors, and not from Carol Burnett, as the Wikiquote would have us believe. (Crimes & Misdemeanors was a 1989 Woody Allen film, and Burnett’s quote is attributed in 2004 in Wikiquote. I’ll let wiser heads sort the provenance out.)

I definitely don’t agree with Lenny Bruce, who said: “Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.” The beauty of satire is that you can go for it right away. It might not get any laughs if it’s too early though.

Of course, none of these sharp observations are as funny as Mel Brook’s 2000-Year-Old Man (1961): “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”

If you’re still looking for help on this one, you may find the tragedy-to-comedy conversion chart useful:

(via Comics vs Audience)

Now, as promised, here’s Mitchell on why the Vikings aren’t funny. I do agree with him on one thing for sure: the Vikings didn’t wear horns on the helmets.

It would be tragic if you didn’t enjoy the comedy at Alltop . HT to Renal Failure and Unfinished Rambler for helping me waste time on a Saturday morning. Thanks to Xoxé Tétano for the vintage viking. Originally posted in June, 2009.

Twitterpocalypse

By Mark A. Rayner on May 11, 2011 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Writer’s note: The username links do not work, but others do. Some readers may prefer to start this short story at the chronological beginning, but I recommend starting here:

LandingPartyONE Displeased we did not demolish Twitter servers instead of using them. Activate sterilization protocol.
less than 5 seconds ago from TweeterProbe

Happybriefs I’ve destroyed all them in my house with a fern spritzer and my son’s SuperSoaker. I know, it’s stupid, but water does it! #pocylpse
less than 5 seconds ago from web

Bovatime The goats have thrown in with them.
We’re fucked.
less than 5 seconds ago from TractorTweet

Beanlover They’re all devastated by water — robots, monkeys, zombie-mushroom-people. All of them. RT, RT, RT! #pocylpse.
less than 5 seconds ago from web

SeePeeOh Thank god I got that RT. Flying monkeys are carrying blasters! Laser beams. Whatever. RT! Follow the discussion, people! #pocylpse.
less than 5 seconds ago from mobile web

Normalman RT @Rockrchick @UberPR Flying monkeys are also carrying some kind of beam weapon! #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 5 seconds ago from web

Rockrchick RT@UberPR Flying monkeys are also carrying some kind of beam weapon! #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 5 seconds ago from TweetDeck

ThumperB I’ve decided there is no God.
This is bullshit!
less than 10 seconds ago from Twirl

UberPR Flying monkeys are also carrying some kind of beam weapon! #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 10 seconds ago from web

HappybriefsBasement no good. Mushroom things can dig man! Water is their kryptonite though. Isn’t that gay? #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 10 seconds ago from web

Chknlady Managed to get away from shroomers — kind of like zombies, eh? In stairwell with only one bar. Just in case, I love you Dan!
less than 10 seconds ago from mobile web

Ballbearing12 Their skulls crush so easily.
Sweet.
less than 20 seconds ago from TweeterProbe

Captnjojo @CreamGirl It means the apocalypse. More of a war of the world scenario, really. Suppose fire from landing ships is #biblical. #pocylpse
less than 20 seconds ago from web

50sMama Why there are flying monkeys stuck in my chimney? The little creatures outside really do look like mushrooms. They’ve eaten my cat.
less than 20 seconds ago from web

LandingPartyOne Release cybermorphs!

less than 20 seconds ago from TweeterProbe

Bovatime Goats are negotiating with mushroom people . Cows making a run for it. Both udderly disgraceful.
less than 20 seconds ago from TractorTweet

Handbaglady Flying monkey grabbed new purse. 🙁 Mushroom person eating foot. Looks like Kuato with leprosy and long teeth. Yes, I’ve seen Total Recall.
less than 20 seconds ago from mobile web

ThumperB This sucks. Clearly, I missed the Rapture. I think the mushroom people are devils. #pocylpse
less than 20 seconds ago from Twirl

CreamGirl What does #pocylpse mean?

less than 20 seconds ago from web

Chknlady Weird crtures bitng me!

less than 30 seconds from mobile web

Chknlady Just got up and going for jog.

1 minute ago from mobile web

Captnjojo Looks like this might be an article to read quickly. I don’t like the look of those shroom-dudes. #pocylpse
1 minute ago from web

Happygrrl > @Blobbob You’re OUTING someone at the End of the World? You’re so UNFOLLOWED. #pocylpse
2 minutes ago from TweetDeck

SeePeeOh @DrTundra No. Monkeys. I don’t think you needed to take peyote today. Plus the parking lot is crawling with mushroom people. We’re doomed!
2 minutes ago from mobile web

Blobbob The whole house is shaking. The monkey screaming! I think this is it. I’ve been dying to let everyone know Darren is gay. #pocylpse
2 minutes ago from web

Captnjojo @BolandOR I like the idea of occupying a WalMart. Kind of like Born in the Great WalMart Stand. Story here: http://bit.ly/cImX
2 minutes ago from web

HappyBriefs Won’t be back online for a while. Going to basement! #pocylpse
3 minutes ago from TweetDeck

DrTundra Should the sky be that color? What is that flying through the air? Should I have drunk that peyote shake this morning? #pocylpse
3 minutes ago from web

ThumperB @BolandOR You shouldn’t make fun of the Bible’s prophecies. The Word is real. The Whore is among us!
4 minutes ago from Twirl

50sMoma I think one of those things just attacked the postal worker. Isn’t a shame we can’t say PostMAN anymore?
4 minutes ago from web

DonnaVinci @50sMoma What kind of mushrooms do you use in muffins? Shitaki?
4 minutes ago from web

50sMoma Baking muffins and watching strange things run down the street. Look like mushrooms with legs.
5 minutes ago from web

LandingPartyONE Unleash ground forces.
Keep your fingers away from the cages!
5 minutes ago from TweeterProbe

BolandOR @Beteeee Seriously, a #monkey# apocalypse. What about something #Biblical, like frogs?
6 minutes ago from web

Handbaglady Just bought the most darling handbag at Saks.

6 minutes ago from mobile web

Happybriefs@ Beanlover How about #pocylpse?

6 minutes ago from TweetDeck.

Beanlover What’s the hashtag for this?

6 minutes ago from web

HappybriefsNot an earthquake. But there’s something weird going on out there. Look at the sky!
7 minutes ago from Tweetdeck

LandingPartyONE It is time to release aero-forces. Ensure their “Lasers” are armed.
8 minutes ago from TweeterProbe

Beteeee@BolandOR I am getting SO tired of blithe references to the zombie apocalypse. What if it’s not zombies? What if it’s robots, or monkeys?
7 minutes ago from web

BolandOR Excellent article about how to survive coming zombie #apocalypse. http://bit.ly/SyzBo
8 minutes ago from mobile web

Penguinlover Hi everyone. Just got up and gonna get me some brain food. And coffee!
8 minutes ago from web

LandingPartyONE Set up account.
We are happy.
8 minutes ago from web

UberPR @Happbriefs Yeah, we got it here in Manhattan too. Earthquake?
9 minutes ago from web

Happybriefs Did anyone else in Schenectady feel that shudder? It was like an earthquake or something.
9 minutes ago from Tweetdeck

Bovatime Cows are acting weird.
Goats too.
10 minutes ago from TractorTweet

Alltop would probably side with the goats. You can follow the author at http://twitter.com/markarayner. Thanks to Bolandtor and Bete for some of the icons. Originally posted on April 23, 2009, but I wanted to post it again because I’m teaching some journalists-in-training how to use Twitter today.

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