Paleo-anthropologists were thrilled when this ancestor of today’s human beings was recovered from the Ice Caves of Washin Ginton, but they were ecstatic when they were able to actually thaw the creature and restart its biological functions.
The creature dates from the early Information Age, and it appears to be brain damaged. Experts believe he had the profession of something called a “politician”.
Bertram was unsure what the “device” was supposed to do.
Its inventor was a man of some animation, and despite his total lack of nasal hair (and a nose, for that matter) Bertram believed he was trustworthy. But the “device”(always the inventor referred to it with the “air quotes”) was a concern. The wires made Bertram distinctly twitchy, as did the high-pitched whine (reminiscent of his third wife before her afternoon “dosing”) was starting to get on his nerves.
Also, Bertram was somewhat concerned about how much he had started bleeding from the eyes when near the “device”, but this worry was offset (somewhat) by the gargantuan increase in the proportions of his “happy place”.
His son, Jemmy, looked calm and free of fear, despite being tied to a post in the Altdorf market square. He’d seen his father shoot and he knew that he was in little danger, but Wilhelm was nervous.
Normally, he’d have no trouble shooting the apple off his son’s head. But Hermann Gessler was a nasty piece of work, and Wilhelm had no doubt that he had something up his sleeve.
He cocked the crossbow as slowly as he could, making a big show of how difficult it was. He’d brought his lighter weapon to the trial — the one with just a wooden prod, not the heavy laminate he usually took to war with him. If the time came, he could cock it, place the quarrel, and fire almost as quickly as regular bow. He had several bolts with him, hidden in his shirt, but because everyone knew it took forever to prepare a crossbow to fire, nobody had thought to check him.
While he cocked the crossbow, Wilhelm looked around the for the trap. He spotted the other bowman, partially hidden in a window overtop of Jemmy; the other crossbow was aimed at Wilhelm and it covered him. So that was it — if he did not split the apple, then his execution would be swift. And if he tried to turn the bow on that bastard Austrian bailiff Gessler, he would be shot down immediately.
So Tell knew what he had to do. Shoot the other marksman, and then hope he could cock the bow quickly enough and shoot Gessler before his soldiers could react. Perhaps the people of Uri would come to his aid — nobody liked the Austrians ruling their Canton, and there was talk of rebellion. Continue Reading →
I think it was probably Colonel Mustard, in the Study, with a pipe wrench. (Col. Mustard also has an MBA, and probably asked about the ROI in the first place, just so he could launch his murder spree.)
Whatsit 2.0 had been so popular that Dr. Tundra did not waste any time getting started on 3.0. It would be ready by the next quarter.
And then there was the new Danglybit PX he was working on. If he could capture the men’s market and the women’s market at the same time, his practice would grow ten-fold. No, a hundred times!
And the best part was that there was little actual surgery. Most of the enhancements were based on a combination of chemistry and “gentle” electrical stimulation. Yes, they were painful, but quite a bit cheaper than standard surgical interventions.
Did Dr. Tundra wonder why so many people wanted to alter their genitalia?
Not at all; he had re-grown his foreskin during medical school, just to see if he could. And besides, people should be allowed to do whatever they wanted, right? As long as it didn’t hurt anyone else.
Though, the extension he’d done on Mr. Johnson, using the old Danglybit 4.0 program was a bit on the radical side. Still, it was up to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson how they used the added dimensions.
I find my iPhone is particularly zealous with its auto-corrections, and it’s good to know I’m not the only one.
