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Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner

The Future Is Frenzied

By on November 14, 2011 in Odd Science, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Chad gets ready to test the Frink Dojigger 12...Professor Albedo-9000 Frink (the Third) was justifiably proud of his invention. It had taken him nearly 300 years of his genetically enhanced life to construct the Frink Dojigger 12. (Experimental models 1-11 proved un-viable.)

Using only the finest Moussorgsky rodent filaments and all the heavy element Poutinium available in the Liquid Fermentation Galaxy, he had constructed the first Pan-Dimensional TeleKinetic Operating System known to man.

It wasn’t perfect yet, by any means. The Moussorgsky rodent filaments only worked when fed a steady diet of Hermelin cheese and light Russian opera. And the Poutinium was playing hell with the customized Evacuation Module he’d purchased from Googlishus Industries.

And of course, he had no idea what the Frink Dojigger did yet, but he was pretty certain the twelfth model the wouldn’t de-molecularize its operator.

Pretty sure. He still thought it prudent to get his latest grad student, Chad, to try it out first.

Alltop loves light Russian opera! From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future | photo by Victoria Peckham. Originally published in November, 2007.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides
(Battle of Vimy Ridge Edition)

By on November 11, 2011 in Hinky History, The Lost PowerPoints

Battle of Vimy Ridge -- a painting by Richard JackGeneral Ludwig von Falkenhausen presents “The Week of Suffering” (circa April 2-9, 1917) –>slide 2

  • Artillery relentless
  • I’d guess about a million shells
  • Somehow can target our artillery, even though they’re hidden behind ridge
  • We ran out of aspirin, earplugs.

Allied General Arthur Currie presents “Better Creeping” (circa April 9, 1917) –>slide 4

  • first wave attacks behind creeping barrage
  • continuous line of shells
  • improve on what we did at the Somme.

Corporal Gus Sivertz (2nd Canadian Mounted Rifles) presents “Nervy” –>slide 7

  • a macabre dance
  • nerves vibrated
  • thousands of shells, machine gun bullets whizzed overhead
  • advanced over no-man’s land
  • if you put your hand up, you’d touch a ceiling of sound
  • and probably lose a finger or two.

French soldier learns of victory at Vimy –>slide 1

  • C’est impossible!

French soldier learns four Canadian divisions fighting at Vimy with one British division–>slide 2

  • Ah! les Canadiens! C’est possible!

Notes: The shelling at the battle began April 2, 1917, and the battle itself began on April 9, 1917. Vimy marked the first time that Canadian troops fought together on a a corps level, and they took the ridge with casualties of 10,000. Previous attempts to break the strong-point in the German line had cost French and British troops more than 150,000. Vimy is often seen as a defining moment in Canadian national history, and as Pierre Burton wrote in his book on the battle, it quickly attained mythic status. This seems like an appropriate post for Remembrance Day.

Photo by Andreas-Photography. Alltop and humor-blogs.com are in the trenches of comedy. Originally published November 2008.

Squirrelly

By on November 9, 2011 in Hinky History, Odd Science

I'm in UR garden, plotting UR demiseIt is the Season of the Doom. The days darken. Temperatures drop. And the Black Rodents of London are out for blood. Or nuts, at the very least.

I remember reading once that the term “squirrelly” was coined during the pioneer days, and it was used to describe homesteaders who had been forced to live on a diet of squirrel. I believe the explanation was that squirrel meat is almost all protein so the complete lack of fat caused the rodent-munching pioneers’ brains to misfire, causing them to say things like: “rasfram, gfrrnarlgm chagnm, ghum!” as though everyone could understand it. Though it may just have been the taste of tree rat drove them mad.

Another explanation would be to watch their behaviour during the month of November, right before the snow flies. Not that they aren’t devilishly clever too: man’s greatest enemy. [clip here if the embeddy thing doesn’t work]

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Alltop is also all protein. Thanks to No-Frills Marilyn for the LOLSQUIRREL. Originally published November, 2008.