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Harper asks the Governor General to pirogue parliament

By on December 4, 2008 in Monkeys!, Parody & Satire

Harper asks GG to pirogue parliamentIf any of you had any question in your minds, you should know now that Stephen Harper really is not fit to govern Canada.

Today, he is going to ask the Governor General (GG) to pirogue parliament.

This is the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard. How in the hell are you going to fit 413 members of parliament into one dugout canoe!

Besides, why the hell would a Canadian parliament opt to use a small, handmade boat commonly used in West Africa, instead of a canoe is totally baffling. He’s accusing the Liberals and NDP of being treasonous and anti-patriotic by entering into a deal with the sovereign-seeking Bloc Quebecois, and HE wants to squeeze the entire governing body of Canada into a tiny, hand-made watercraft that isn’t even built in Canada.

Shame Stephen Harper! Shame! At the very least you should be asking the GG to “canoe” the parliament.

You can find more information about Canada’s latest constitution crisis here. Thanks to Ecololo for the pirogue pic. Non-baffling, non-parliamentary humor may be found at alltop and humor-blogs.com.

Propaganda Alert: Vikings were not metrosexuals!

By on October 28, 2008 in But is it art?, Hinky History

noodly norsemenAs the leader of the Noodly Norseman, I feel it is my duty to alert you all that a terrible lie is being spread by the Daily Telegraph (in the UK) that the Vikings were metrosexuals.

The Telegraph is merely the press organ of a group of mendacious researchers at Cambridge University, who have published a guide that they hope will recast the Vikings not as the violent rape-and-pillage performance artists they were, but as a group of peaceable long-haired metrosexuals, more interested in personal grooming and poetry than sharing their deep and abiding love of hitting things.

As is the case with all effective propaganda, the story is littered with truthful elements. It is true that Vikings washed on a regular basis. It is true that Vikings did not wear horned or winged helmets. It is even true that many Norsemen spent a large part of their time in “peaceful activities such as farming, building, writing and illustrating.”

However, it is the big lie, you have to watch out for:

The guide reveals that Norsemen were also stylish trend-setters: “Contemporaries who met individual Vikings were struck by the extreme bagginess of their trousers.

A tenth-century Persian explorer described trousers (of Vikings in Russia) that were made of one hundred cubits of material, and a number of runestones depict warriors with flared breeches.” . . .

“The truth is that their culture was very artistic and they were keen to make an impression because they want to cultivate a certain look. They were very concerned about their appearance.”

You see what they’re trying to do here? They’re trying to distract you with stories about fancy trousers. They’re trying to say the Vikings were concerned primarily with the appearance, not “preoccupied with raping and looting.”

If the Vikings spent any time primping, it was to ensure they were properly terrifying when they came on shore. No doubt if we follow the money behind this new “research”, we will discover that it is funded by a group of global warming deniers. Without a resurgence in Viking population, the Earth is doomed. But they must be real Vikings. Skull-splitting, village pillaging, monk-raping Vikings.

Dr. Maximillian Tundra is the leader of the Noodly Norseman, a sect of the Pastafarian religion, which posits an omnipotent creator-being called the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM). Unlike the heretical followers of Bobby Henderson, the Noodly Norseman believe that global warming is caused by a lack of Vikings (not pirates).

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop also wear complicated pants. And don’t get me started on how ridiculously complex the leg garments of these people are: it’s Insane.

Will the world end on Wednesday?

By on September 8, 2008 in But is it art?, Odd Science

End of the world, in green mood lightingLook out.

It’s CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC), and it’s going to nibble our bums — to infinity!

In just a couple days, CERN is going to turn on its nifty new gadget — the world’s most bitchin’ particle accelerator, which is kind of like a really powerful toy train, except instead of a toy train, the LHC sends two tiny particles of matter hurtling along the track at nearly the speed of light. Yes, it is the ultimate demolition derby! With any luck it will reveal what all that dark matter nonsense is about, give us more information about the origins of the universe, explain why we don’t have any antimatter to power our warp drives, complete Newton’s unfinished work (on mass, not alchemy), and with any luck, give the particle physicists enough to do for a while, so they can stop disturbing my sleep with nightmares about strange quarks and cats that may or may not be dead.

Then again, it could destroy the planet.

I wouldn’t count on that though. There is a really slight chance that the LHC could produce micro-black holes (but they should evaporate almost immediately). If they don’t they’ll eat us alive.

The LHC could also tip us in to a vacuum bubble. This is not what happens when you try to suck up gum with your Hoover. This is an hypothetical state (ironically, more “stable” in terms of physics) in which the Earth would cease to exist. IN layman’s terms, this would be bad.

Strange quarkSo too would magnetic monopoles — I won’t even try to pretend what the hell they are — and strange matter. Strange matter is the stuff that is found in your mouth after an evening of drinking peyote and avocado milkshakes. Nasty, yes, but is it enough to cause the end of the universe? CERN thinks no. Personally, I’m hoping a few globs of it land in my brain and give me superpowers. (Particle telekinesis and omniscience would be my choice, but I’d be happy with the ability to read minds or turn all easy listening music into psychotropic mushrooms.)

You may want to read about why humans are fascinated with the end of the world in this BBC story, but I prefer the outline from CERN. The “safety” questions are particularly entertaining.

Now, if all of this wasn’t frightening enough, there is also the Carnival of the Insanities to visit, and more weird quark-filled strangeness at humor-blogs.com and alltop. Thanks to julkastro for the end of the world shot.

Sincerely submitted, Dr. Tundra.

Update: Has the Large Hadron Collider destroyed the Earth yet?

Juggernaut Business Mechanicals — Evil Overlords Rejoice

By on July 30, 2008 in But is it art?, Odd Science, Parody & Satire

Cyborg from JBM Corporate WebsiteFinally, JBM has launched its corporate website. Though it is ridden with problems, evil overlords, interstellar overlords and meglomaniacs worldwide will be relieved to know that JBM is open for business again.

From the JBM corporate website:

JBM — Famous for our Juggernauts, but expanding

Ever since Dr. Malifico founded JBM, we have been known world-over for the quality of our business mechanicals. They are not only gargantuan in scale, and lethal when required, but they are well-suited to modern business environments as well.

With the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989, JBM underwent a major restructuring, and instead of catoring exclusively to would-be evil overlords, bent on extorting a large percentage of GNP from both the free world and the Communist Bloc, JBM started catering to large business.

Our state-of the-art RED Juggernaut is still our best seller, and few business would be better served by other mechanicals. However, we are expanding our range, and creating LaserBots, TaxCrushing Servo-motors, and we are moving into industrial applications as well.

JBM corporate logoIn a statement released to the press, our CEO has sated: “with a modicum of talent, ruthless efficiency and some element of surprise, JBM should be in a position to destroy the competition and own the juggernaut business mechanical sector..”

As I said, their website is a complete disaster, but their product offerings will be of interest to any up-and-coming evil mastermind bent on world domination.

It would appear that both Alltop and the funny blog aggregator, humor-blogs.com, are out for world comedy domination.

Vote for this post, or General Kang will send a Red Juggernaut after you.

A Meat-Stealing, Advice-Ridden, Vomitus O-Rama

By on July 27, 2008 in General Skwib

The ever-vigilant Mr. Snitch recently noticed an interesting story about a New Jersey man stealing $100 worth of meat by stuffing it down his pants. This is not a phenomenon restricted to the Garden State. I happen to know on good authority that our local ValuMart (here in sunny Wortley Village), has suffered the same indignity of pant-stuffing meat-lifters. They are easily apprehended because most men are not adept at running with large pieces of beef slapping around in their pants. (Present company excepted, I’m sure.) However, Mr. Snitch then goes on to ask the obvious question: what happens to the meat afterwards? Is there a discount for “slightly used meat”, or do the police hold onto it, so to speak, pending trial?

The verdict is in on The Dark Knight (it’s the feel-good movie of the year), but until I read this Compendium of Killing Jokes, I thought it was supposed to be laughing AT The Joker, not WITH him .

While we’re on the topic of movies, you’ll want to run right out and get some of the Exclusive X-Files Merchandise available from NeonBubble. I can hardly wait until my David Duchovny’s The X-Files: I Want To Beekeep kit arrives, but I’m a little anxious about what the “8-inch hive tool” is for.

I’m not nearly as concerned about the delightful brain of the historian Rob MacDougall; it’s recently applied its wattage to a trio of world-building exercises of the steampunk variety. I especially liked “The Kinematrix Has You”.

What can Brown do for you? Well, it can help you if you’re caught short, but only if you’re a damn fast folder.

Mean Ol’ Meany has more advice for everyone on how to avoid other kinds of intestinal distress, though nothing to cope with the kind of idiocy in the clip below, which is reminiscent of my last peyote bender. (Warning: This Family Guy segment may make you feel a bit squingy.)

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Once you’ve recovered from that, you may want to learn How to be #1 on Humor-Blogs.com. Advice from LOBO, who’s deranged blog is a constant worry to the authorities. (Incidentally, The Skwib was once #1 on Humor-Blogs.com, but that was before the new voting thingy. You can help The Skwib crawl its way back on the leaderboard by signing up for an account and voting here. Don’t make me get the ipecac! )

Did any of that unhinge you slightly? Well then perhaps you’re ready for the Carnival of the Insanities now.

You’ll find more meaty links many a funny blog at Alltop as well.

Total(ly rocked) lunar eclipse

By on February 21, 2008 in But is it art?, Odd Science

Total lunar eclipse, Feb. 20, 2008My dog, Calypso, and I braved the twenty-below temperatures last night so that we could enjoy the total lunar eclipse. (Actually, the dog was more interested in the trash left out for garbage pickup the next morning, but she was into the spirit of a long walk/refuse buffet.)

First of all, this was a total lunar penumbral eclipse. Not one of your wussy partial eclipses. (You know it’s a total, full-on, sexy eclipse when the moon enters the earth’s penumbral shadow — it’s so dirty.)

As I watched the bright moon turn a kind of weird rusty-orange color, Calypso found a chicken bone. After a short fight in which we both growled excessively, she was relieved of said morsel. I looked up, and what could I see, but two bright stars, Regulus and the planet Saturn, who were also kind of turned on by earth’s penumbral shadow.

It was getting freaky!

Then I noticed something strange happening in the south — was some weirdo trying to shine a spotlight on the moon? No a whole bunch of spotlights. Why were they changing? Why so green-looking? Then it was obvious what was happening, it was the northern lights. And there they were off to the east, and north as well.

Either that or the peyote was kicking in.

A spectacular time-lapse video of polar aurora:

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Similar to polar aurora, humor-blogs.com is produced by the collision of charged particles from the humor-sphere with Earth’s blogo-sphere. Photo Credit: Rhondle. More on auroras and last night’s lunar eclipse [wiki] You can also watch 13 more time-lapse wonders at Fogonazos.