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Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future

By on June 15, 2007 in Skwibby fiction, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future

In 1933, Toulouse Le Grandfig disappeared.

To this day, no one has ever documented where he was or what he was actually doing, but it is worth noting that his collection of photos and stories, “The Land of the Future” was published the next year by Placenta Press (Paris). In his short autobiography, “Burning Monkey Tales”, he claimed that he travelled to the future, where he witnessed (and recorded) all kinds of wonders:

“After my morning grapefruit-and-sandpaper ablutions, it was customary for me to dogpaddle upstream to visit my ancient hominid ancestors in Paris. But on that particular day, I was caught in a maelstrom — a whirlpool of such savagery that my cufflinks all but ate my eyebrows — and I must have blacked out from the pain. When I awoke, I found myself in a world as alien as mustardseed ungulate pie … the Land of the Future.”

Of course, this was typical Grandfigian hyperbole, but there are still no satisfactory scientific explanation for how he came to take some of the photographs in this collection.

Our selection from this groundbreaking work includes the following:

Warrantee-Free! | The New Clone 12000 Helmet Finally Comes to Market | Truculent Guitar Blastocyte | Tonight on “Survivor: Sumo” | Nude Clanking Down a Staircase | Ancient Hominid Thawed! | E-nnui | Groin-eriffic! | Zoological Wonders from Planet Earth | Bathtime Follies | Bringing Good Things to Life | Red Juggernaut | Giganto-Schism | Greetings from Bonodminton | The Tragic Story of Larry and Wanda Pogo | Does your robot rule, so to speak? | A Mysterious Dream | Survival Tips for Tiny and Polite Humans | Joel and the Corporate Ziggurat | The Six Million Dollar Pleasure Borg | The Cannon

Credits:
Thank the good folks a Flickr for creating a ready source of artwork under the Creative Commons license, and in particular the following artists for allowing me to use their work under the Share Alike provisions: The Alieness GiselaGiardino | Abux77 | roBurky | sparktography | djwudi | monettenriquez | will pate | Alan Trotter | wintersweet | doc ido | balaam | Bjarte | Aune Olsen | litmuse | C!b0rg5 | SpooSa | Elsie Esq. | Chris Chappelear | jonhmuk | Dplanet | lhuiz | nabeel | scurzuzu | kingpest | tiptoe | mvandrew | squacco | crowolf | doctabu | jstar | blaster219 | Max Sparber | Kurainisei | misfitgirl

Grandfig: Gridlock!

By on April 30, 2007 in Toulouse Le Grandfig

Gridlock!Larry couldn’t believe it! Not only was he late for an appointment with his Fretardo, he could feel a period of rumination coming on.

“Shit, no, no, I don’t have time for it. I just can’t …”

Besides that, he was stuck in the middle of the worst gridlock London had seen in years.

While he waited for traffic to begin moving again, it slowly dawned on Larry that he was a mammal of the genus Ovis, of the family Bovidae, and probably related to the goat that just crapped on his foot.

And that he had no idea what a fucking Fretardo was.

Part of the Toulouse Le Grandfig collection. Photo by Mundocuardro

Grandfig: A Life of Adventure

By on April 17, 2007 in Skwibby fiction, Toulouse Le Grandfig

A life of adventureemptyHe was born Jars Peeblefrench, son of Bjorn and Nellie Peeblefrench, of the Stavenger Peeblefrenches — a family of well-established merchants in the toenail clipping district. Jars was tired of being Norwegian, and he left his family for a life of adventure and creeping insanity on the high seas.

Frustrated by his eternal desire for lutefisk and herring, eventually, he tamed the Turtle-Beast of Neepneep; he then conquered most of the Japanese Islands through a combination of terror, sheer chutzpa and cartoons that had no discernable plot or coherent narrative.

Later, he was bronzed while riding the massive reptile, and is now known simply as “Barry.”

Part of the Toulouse Le Grandfig collection. | Photo by QbiT

Grandfig: Letters from the Apocalypse

By on February 25, 2007 in Toulouse Le Grandfig

Chester sabotages the oscarsChester had been fucked over by the Academy one too many times. First they hadn’t even nominated his brilliant short film, “Meat Puppets” and then they completely overlooked his feature-length avant-garde romantic comedy, “The Fetus Follies”, despite several endorsements from notable Hollywood luminaries such as Fatty Arbuckle and Wily Costello, the Norwegian star of “Confessions of a Vice Baron”. But today he would have his revenge.

The Academy was about to be traumatized as they had made Chester suffer. It was true that every one of the bodybuilders the Academy had hired to portray their precious Oscar on the awards night had stuffed their gold lame swimming trunks, but that was not Chester’s plan. He had left gelatin capsules in their shorts. By now, the Oscars’ body heat should have melted the containers to sufficiently weaken them, allowing the burrowing ticks (species name: ixodes hollywoodicus) to escape.

It would be a kick line for the ages.

From the Toulouse Le Grandfig Collection.

Grandfig: A Portrait of Chauncey Migswith-Piggerton

By on January 29, 2007 in Toulouse Le Grandfig

Chauncey Migswith-PiggertonOccupation: Professor, Arse-Elbow Differentiation, UBS

Marital Status: Married to the unfortunate Alison Migswith-Piggerton.

Offspring: Daughter, Jenny, 24. And the loathsome Peter, son, 27.

Hobbies: Angling, rat keeping, and touching “things.”

Nationality: English, though he claims to have a little Irish in him. Giggles insanely every time he says so.

From the Toulouse Le Grandfig Collection.