Little Billy Treepanning was in big trouble. This time he was going to get more than a “time out” and no dessert.
This time it was serious.
Not only had he vaporized the third nanny in as many months, sold Lazzie for scientific experimentation, and destroyed much of the Plexiglass Nebula, he’d used his father’s imported Klaas Natu hemorrhoid cushion for his silly costume.
Vlastic Tesla was the illegitimate son of Nikola Tesla, inventor of the alternating current system, the induction motor, lightning rods, electro-mechanical oscillators, the Tesla coil, the Bifilar coil, robotics and the electronic logic gate, wireless technology, radio astronomy, the teleforce particle beam weapon, and known for his theoretical work in rotating magnetic fields, telegeodynamics, space data transmission systems, weather and climate modification and electrogravitics; and he was really keen to turn himself into a light bulb.
He succeeded. Unfortunately, before he could reproduce.
It had been an off-hand comment. Passionate, but completely unrehearsed.
They’d just finished watching the opening show of the new Mad Men season, and Bob turned to his wife Janice, and said, “you know, I really don’t think you could improve upon this show. This really is the best thing on television right now. No scratch that. The best thing NEAR television. There’s no way you could make it any better. I mean, it’s historically accurate. It’s dramatic. God-damned it Janice, it’s just fucking exciting. It’s the best thing ever, I tell you!”
Grinding her teeth, Janice thought, “Wait ’till you get back from work tomorrow … I’ll show you exciting…”
[phone rings]
Sumiko: Soto Noodle — you will want to suck them fast!
Godzilla: So you serve noodles?
Sumiko: Yes sir, we are noodle shop.
Godzilla: Excellent, I’d like an order of noodles, shaken not stirred.
[pause]
Sumiko: I’m sorry sir, what you say?
Godzilla: No, wait I’ve changed my mind. Is your refrigerator running?
Sumiko: Of course it is sir.
Godzilla: Then you’d better go catch it! No wait, say “is your refrigerator running!”
Sumiko: Fuck uh you, sir!
[sound of Gozilla screeching in city-rending rage on other end]
As readers of The Skwib, you may be aware that I am also a novelist releasing his second work, Marvellous Hairy – a novel in five fractals. It’s available online from the publisher now, and in stores in the Fall.
But I’m also podcasting this bad boy, and they are well underway. I’ll be listing them all here, at iTunes, or you could check out the episodes on my writer’s blog:
Episode One (chapters one and two)
Episode Two (chapters three to five)
Episode Three (chapters six to eight)
If you’d like to join me for the podcast of my second novel, you can find the listing of them as they’re released at the Marvellous Hairy website. While you’re there, sign up for my newsletter to catch all the news as it happens.
The first episode (which is about twenty minutes long and covers the first two chapters) can be found at my other blog, on my author’s site. I’ve added the second episode now too. You can also subscribe at iTunes, and soon at Podiobooks.com.
Or you could just go get your own copy to read yourself. Just sayin’.