Navigation

Archive | Monkeys!

Ask General Kang: I believe my boyfriend is an alien. Do you think I should move in with him?

By on December 2, 2008 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangI guess it all depends on what kind of alien. If he’s like one of those friendly nice aliens — say Jeff Bridges in Starman — then I’d say go right ahead.

On the other hand, if he is like one of the aliens from Stargate, you know, the wormy guys that take over your body, then you might want to give it more thought. Eventually, he may need your body in a way you don’t find very appealing (such as giving it to his wormy alien girlfriend).

On the other foot, something about an alien like that is they are motivated. And forceful. Powerful even.

I know that women tend to like that in their guys, but then you have to understand that you’re not really in a relationship with your boyfriend’s body, you’re actually in a relationship with the six-inch tubular thing that inhabits his brain.

Of course, that’s the case for most human males anyway, isn’t it?

Next Week: I may have inadvertently started an intergalactic war with the Bleugzag Imperium. Do you think this might be held against me when I apply for college?

Further tubular delights can be found at humor-blogs.com and alltop.

Congo: a chimp, an artist, a cautionary tale

By on November 25, 2008 in But is it art?, Monkeys!, Skwibby fiction

Congo the chimpFrom the archives: August 9, 2005

The little-known abstract expressionist, Congo the chimp, has art going up for sale at Bonhams, an auction house in England. Three of Congo’s paintings are being sold alongside such masters as Renoir and Andy Warhol. (Not that Congo isn’t a master in his own right.)

Congo began his artistic career when he worked with Desmond Morris, anthropologist, TV presenter and writer of such books as The Human Animal, The Naked Ape, and Chimps-r-Us. Initially, Morris gave Congo the paints just to mess with the poor ape’s head, but after a couple of years, Congo got the hang of it, and he found a dealer in NY.

What happened to poor Congo thereafter is a cautionary tale for all artists.

The dealer knew Picasso, and the famous swordsman was enthralled with Congo’s “primitive” aesthetic. News of Picasso’s approval spread, and soon Congo found himself in a group show at MOMA, alongside the likes of Andy Warhol. (So it is fitting that his work is auctioning along with Warhol’s now.)

The NY arts scene in the late 50s was wild, and a little bit more than the young Congo could handle. (He was only six when he arrived.) At a party, an impish Truman Capote introduced the impressionable chimp to the banana daiquiri, and from there it was all downhill.

PicassoAfter a few lukewarm reviews from the MOMA show, Congo felt he should be more experimental, and changed artistic medium : he started working exclusively with canvas and his own fecal matter. This aromatic work was received rather coldly from critical circles, and even his patron, Picasso, withdrew support. (Thought it must be noted, this was after a wag commented on how similar the famous artist looked to congo.)

As his fortunes changed, Congo could neither afford his loft in Soho, nor even continue to support his daiquiri habit. Instead, he found solace in a slow degradation of fruity beverages: slivovice, ripple, and finally, Aqua Velva laced with vanilla extract.

Nobody knows exactly what became of Congo thereafter.

Putting an upbeat coda on this sad story, a spokesperson from the auction house Bonhams said:

Paintings by apes may be seen as humorous or as a derisive commentary on modern art. However, Morris’s studies were a serious attempt to understand chimpanzees’ ability to create order and symmetry as well as to explore, at a more primeval level, the impetus behind our own desires for artistic creativity.

Original CBC story | Chimp Rehab Fund. You will find other monkeying around at humor-blogs.com and alltop. You can vote for The Skwib as best Canadian humour blog here.

… naked men marching … Welsh singing … ice cream trucks … sausage … A Heap of Trouble!

By on November 19, 2008 in But is it art?, Monkeys!

A Heap of TroubleIt is a quiet Welsh neighbourhood. Children play in the streets. An ice cream truck does a desultory business while parents chat in the foreground. This calm of this suburban street is rudely disturbed by the distant mellifluous sound of a Welsh choir singing, “four naked men, five naked men, and six naked men…”

The sound gets louder: “… and … seven naked men, and eight naked men,” the singing is nearly here. Everyone looks frightened. And then then we hear: “and nine naked men just walking down the road would cause a heap of trouble for all concerned.”

This is a brilliant (multi-award winning) short by Steve Sullivan, filmmaker, Welshman, composed of trillions of atoms bound together by the miracle of nature and perry.

Warning: Not Safe for Work if your co-workers are uncomfortable with brief shots of sausage and/or Welsh singing.

You can find the full film, A Heap of Trouble, here. More about Mr. Sullivan here.

Thanks to Spencer Evans for point this out. Humor-blogs and Alltop are also a heap of trouble.

Odd Fiction: The Monkey’s Tail …

By on November 14, 2008 in Monkeys!, Skwibby fiction

The Monkey's TailThe Monkey’s Tail, as Told by Marcel Duchamp the Day After Charles Lindbergh Landed at Le Bourget Field

by Mark A. Rayner

I had this friend who was obsessed with having a monkey tail grafted to his ass. Actually, to call him a friend is stretching the truth. Toulouse was more of a colleague. An ex-colleague, if you get my meaning.

He went to great lengths to achieve his ends. At first, he was convinced that it would be possible to grow a tail. After all, we used to have them: they are part of our vestigial anatomy. He knew a biologist from Pigalle who was willing to help pull out his tail bone. Not literally. No, he would attempt to stretch it outwards by digitally manipulation.

Oh yes, it was quite painful, but Toulouse was bent on it. He was mad for the monkey tail, wasn’t he?

Eventually, Toulouse accepted the anatomist’s ministrations were not going to work, and went in search of other answers. He tried occult methods: spells, potions and unguents. It was about this time people started to avoid him. The unguents were too pungent by far. Yes, even for Paris in summertime.

Read the rest of this story …>

Ask General Kang: I Have No Hair Follicles On My Head. Will This Hurt My Ability to Reproduce?

By on October 27, 2008 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

General Kang -- a portraitThis is a touchy question, particularly for a hirsute (and handsome) bugger such as myself.

The answer is no. I can think of no instance when hair follicles are any way connected to reproductive organs. If you actually mean: “will it hurt my odds of having a chance to reproduce,” then I’m afraid I have a different answer.

A lot of it depends upon your species. If you’re a fish, then my guess is the lack of hair will not impinge upon your ability to score.

If you’re a human, then yes it will. Quite badly. Particularly if you’re a human female. Human males, on the other hand, have been known to plant their seed, so to speak, without a decent head of hair, but they often have to compensate in some other way. Fame. Power. An extremely large . . . bank account. All of these may work on the curious human female.

So go find some of that, is this is your case. But there is a caveat. Quite often those bald-headed males will instead have a luxuriant coat on their back.

This is a major turn-off for most human females. But catnip for other primates, if you catch my drift.

Next week: I have slipped into another dimension. Will this prevent me from getting a good job?

Find more hairy eyeball humor at alltop and humor-blogs.com.