Otherwise, flying fecal matter!
Yes, a Japanese tavern has monkey waiters.
Other simian delights are available at humor-blogs.com and alltop.
Archive | Monkeys!
When do we get some ice cream? (Which we’ll get on our fake moustaches.)
Some of you may not be aware that Canada is having an election too. Isn’t that cute?
The cool thing about Canadian elections is that they can happen practically anytime. Well, not any time, but when whenever the ruling party decides that it can win another election. Yep, you read that right. The people in power get to look at all the data — the polls, where we are in the hockey season, the relative curl and humidity of the beaver-shavings found in Ottawa — and decide, “yes, we can win an election, let’s DO IT!” (Even if you’ve promised that you won’t call an election for another year.)
But the really cool thing is that the election only lasts a few weeks. That’s right, loyal readers from the US, weeks. Not months. Not years. Weeks. And there’s more than two parties from which to choose. (I believe the rest of you native English speakers probably hail from a Commonwealth country, where the system is similar.)
Unfortunately, that is where the coolness ends, and the childishness begins, as so ably pointed out by Rick Mercer:
Update:
If you want a nice collection of quotes on the nature of democracy, check out Head Wide Open. Here’s one of my faves:
“Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.”
–George Bernard Shaw
And if you want to prevent a Conservative majority, here is a website that can help.
Thanks to Corey for finding this one. More childishness (the funny kind) at humor-blogs.com and alltop.
Ask General Kang: What do you do when your planet runs out of resources?
What do I do? Shouldn’t you be asking what will you do?
What I do is charge up the power cells in my Interstellar Ape-arda, fill the ships with hordes of uber-chimps hungry for adventure and loot, and set course for the nearest planet that hasn’t used up all its resources.
From there, it’s a simple matter of subduing the local sapient population (if there is one), and then setting up shop. Literally. The second major phase of any decent conquest is building the consumer infrastructure you need to plunder a planet. You’d be amazed how many societies are content to live within their means. Sustainable development is no good if you’re in the pillaging business!
Once you have them selling things bought or processed, or buying things sold or processed, or processing things sold or bought, then you’ve got an economy you can sack.
But that’s what I’d do (if I still had a fleet of space ships capable of faster-than-light travel and crammed full of bonobos with a jones for gold-plated walking sticks).
You can barely reach your own planet’s orbit, so you’re going to have to come up with a more creative solution.
Next time: What’s the etiquette when an alien bursts out of your dining companion’s chest? Do you wait for them to excuse themselves, or do you say “God Bless”?
More inexcusable horrors are available at humor-blogs.com and alltop.
Ask General Kang: Could I BE more sexy?
Yes, yes you could.
You could be a female chimp of a certain age and inclination, and you could be in deep, chattering, pheromone-rich estrus.
But I suspect you’re actually asking, how could you be more sexy —
No, I’m asking it kind of rhetorically, actually. Sort of like the way Chandler might
What kind of nimrod asks a rhetorical question of an advice columnist? And who the hell is Chandler?
No don’t answer you hairless skin-sack, THAT was rhetorical too. How do you like it? Not so much I bet. Could you BE more of a fully bipedal over-craniumed wanker?
I will answer your question: think before you say something. Most people don’t find gross stupidity very appealing.
Next time: You seem like a very angry individual, yet you’ve been remarkably successful in your profession. How do you manage your all-encompassing simian rage and a career?
More laughable hominid rage available at humor-blogs.com and alltop.
Grandfig: Karl groks the ‘English disease’
Karl Gustav the German Hat-Wearer never understood why the French were always going on about the ‘English disease’.
For Gott’s sake they were French! Degenerate snail-eating, malodorous, cravat-tying, frog-frying French. The French had killed his son at Ypres, they’d fornicated with sheep, whose brains they proceeded to cook with wine and fungus. The French. The French and their worries about the ‘English disease’.
Then he met Baden Powell.
Humor-blogs.com and Alltop are also concerned about the French. You will also find a few people concerned about things, French or not, at the Carnival of the Insanities.
Grandfig: Beaver Travels with Toothbrush
Claude was having an existential crisis.
He’d tried to deny it, but just as Brother Sartre had suggested in a recent penmanship competition, it was becoming clear to the strapping Greco-Roman enthusiast that his life was devoid of meaning, unless he could give it some himself.
But where to look for meaning?
Then Serge put him in a sleeper hold. A delicious, overpowering sleeper, pungent with Russian vodka, sweat, and dare he say, import?
From the Toulouse Le Grandfig collection. Other existential crises seen at Alltop and at thisfunny blog aggregator too.