In retrospect, justifying his wardrobe by time-traveling back to the Eighties and starting the leather tie fad seemed a tad self-indulgent.
Alltop and humor-blogs are like, totally not, like, self-indulgent or grody or anything.
For those of you who’ve never read the original Watchman, or seen the movie, Dr. Manhattan is the only superhero in the story who has actual superpowers. He was originally Dr. Jonathan Osterman. Through a horrific accident, Osterman is annihilated in an “Intrinsic Field Subtractor”. Osterman’s mind continues to exist in a quantum state, and he then reconstructs himself as a muscular, hairless, glowing blue naked man (with heavy indigo eye shadowing.)
For those of you who’ve experienced both book and movie, you may have had the same reaction when the OTHER blue-skinned character appears in the film. “I don’t remember an azure trouser python from the book!” I jest. Of course I’m referring to Dr. Manhattan’s massive blue manly bits.
But I wasn’t wrong. In the original comic the issue of Dr. Manhattan’s quantum-generated genitals was handled quite deftly and with style. Dave Gibbons, one of the creators of Watchmen said:
We were very careful about the way we introduced the nudity, though; it didn’t happen in the bedroom scene but while the good Doctor was alone in the desert. I was careful to give him understated genitals, like a piece of classical sculpture, too. I’m sure some people didn’t even notice he WAS nude for a page or two and by then, it was too late!
The movie jettisons this care with the same sang-froid that one might take a flame thrower to a dog-cart filled with cerulean smegma.
But like the other major change to the original story, I actually think this reimagining of Dr. Manhattan’s sapphire sexual apparatus makes some kind of sense.
You are Dr. Jonathan Osterman (or you were, before you were disassembled molecule-by-molecule in the “Intrinsic Field Subtractor”). But yet, you remain conscious, and you discover that you now have the power to rebuild your body as you see fit. Are you going to saddle yourself with a tiny little thing, just because you had one in your previous existence, or because, you feel some Puritanical need to not shock the public? Understated genitals? Screw that man, you’re going to deck yourself with a gigantic glowing man-stick that will cause women and gay men to gasp, and cause the straight men around you to do one of several things:
You are Dr. Manhattan baby! Check it out! You want superpowers? I’ll give you superpowers!
Alas, approval of this elementary change to the Watchmen is not universal, though some critics have positive things to say, and a number have even given Dr. Manhattan’s giant blue wiener “glowing” reviews.
One also imagines that there may have been some problems on the set :
Alltop and humor-blogs.com are not intimated. Not one bit.
You can find the full interview with Gibbons here. Snarky Gawker story about Film-makers begging Fanboys to see Watchmen again here. Thanks to Bronwynlewis for the bisexual blue dudes.
Alert readers will notice that I did not use the word “penis” once in this whole post.
Okay, I knew this question was going to come up eventually, but I wasn’t quite prepared for how rudely it would be asked.
Essentially, I am way smarter than you. Sure, I LOOK like a chimpanzee, but on our planet, humans never appeared. Chimps are IT, you puny human, they are the apex. And we’ve done some things you less hairy hominids can barely understand. (Interstellar space flight among them.)
So, yes, I may not know all of your “human” customs and rules, and so forth, but I’d be willing to bet the banana farm on my having a better read on the various customs, your idiotic systems, and so on, that most merely homo sapiens columnists. (For example, I’m baffled that you are surprised your economic system is collapsing.)
If nothing else, my advice will serve you well when my armies eventually arrive to dominate your planet, you pathetic, rude, hairless ape.
(That was an insult, in case you’re tiny brain can’t figure it out.)
All that said, there is hope you will get smarter. If something BAD happens to my first invasion fleet, you still may have some time to evolve into a formidable enemy.
That would be better. I like a challenge, and let’s be honest, right now, you’re too easy. You can’t even handle your own environment. (Though I’m somewhat afraid the place will be wrecked by the time my fleet gets here.)
Alltop and humor-blogs.com are highly organized, super-evolved laugh monkeys.
I suppose it’s not a problem if the person is a Nazi, but I can’t think of a lot of other circumstances where it would be helpful.
Presumably, you’re doing so to damage their reputation in some way, but consider this: if the person is a Nazi, either because they are still somehow a card-carrying member of the National Socialist party, or because they sympathize and wish they could go back in time to join the party, then perhaps they might not be insulted by you’re calling them a Nazi.
I mean, you can call me a diminutive simian intergalactic overlord and I won’t get upset.
If you want to damage their reputation, there are much better ways of doing so. For example, pick on a quirk of their personality or appearance and make an insulting allusion. When I was taking over on Neecknaw (my home world) I faced a number of political opponents, and this was always a successful tactic. Here are a few insults you could try:
Or you could always call them a racist. That ALWAYS works.
Alltop and humor-blogs.com had to move to Argentina.
The Phrase Freak is a column in which The Skwib questions the phrases that we hear or read in the media, and encourages you, the gentle reader, to mock people who use said phrases. “Shovel-ready” is the most recent neologism that is causing my ears to bleed. (My eyes just roll when I read it.)
Apparently this phrase has been around for some time, but it reached the dim consciousness of the media when President Obama used it on Meet the Press in early January. Since then reporters and talking heads have been repeating it like OCD parrots after too much espresso. (Yes, I’m saying that parrots drink espresso.) Clearly, this is the big BO’s first major gaffe.
The loathsome phrase crossed the border and infected the Great White North in the run up to today’s budget announcement. CBC Radio has an especially bad case. I seem to be hearing it about every other minute on CBC One. (And yes, all of the blood gushing out of my ears is making a mess of my office.)
It would be more bearable if just occasionally a reporter explained what he or she meant by the phrase; if you do a little digging (sorry), you’ll discover that it means infrastructure projects that are prepared for immediate action — all they need is the funding. It’s a buzzword, and the reality is that most “shovel-ready” projects are going to take a little while to get going, even if governments do find a way to cut through some of the red tape that wraps up most public works projects like a straitjacket of crazy-making (and intensely itchy) bureaucracy.
You know what’s shovel-ready? The face of anyone who says it. Bong!
Freak Level on this phrase: 6 gobsmacks out of 10.
specific timetable | full patch | IED | on the ground| Thanks to tanakawho for the shovel pick.
The Washington Post examines the etymology of shovel-ready. Alltop and humor-blogs.com and Christy Moore say “don’t forget your shovel if you want to go to work.” 
If any of you had any question in your minds, you should know now that Stephen Harper really is not fit to govern Canada.
Today, he is going to ask the Governor General (GG) to pirogue parliament.
This is the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard. How in the hell are you going to fit 413 members of parliament into one dugout canoe!
Besides, why the hell would a Canadian parliament opt to use a small, handmade boat commonly used in West Africa, instead of a canoe is totally baffling. He’s accusing the Liberals and NDP of being treasonous and anti-patriotic by entering into a deal with the sovereign-seeking Bloc Quebecois, and HE wants to squeeze the entire governing body of Canada into a tiny, hand-made watercraft that isn’t even built in Canada.
Shame Stephen Harper! Shame! At the very least you should be asking the GG to “canoe” the parliament.
You can find more information about Canada’s latest constitution crisis here. Thanks to Ecololo for the pirogue pic. Non-baffling, non-parliamentary humor may be found at alltop and humor-blogs.com.